Confused & Heartbroken

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This topic has 23 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 7 years ago by Anonymous.

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November 4, 2017 at 6:31 pm #176517

Wanderlust16
Participant

Hi Louise,

I know you are hurt and feel regretful that the relationship is over. Stop blaming yourself. One person can’t be responsible for making a relationship happen. You’re too focused on what you could have done differently, but what about his role in this? Have you thought about what he could have done differently if he really wanted this relationship to work? You haven’t lost the love of your life because it’s not love if he’s jealous of your job and being verbally and emotionally abusive.

November 5, 2017 at 2:48 am #176521

Louise
Participant

Thankyou for your replys. I have gone through a period of complete self blame. I know I triggered him and caused him to react this way, I know he is a good man deep down as I have seen it, although I’ve heard this is an act and it’s how these men hook you. I feel very traumatised and unsure of anything right now. He told me I’m crazy, a physco and paranoid all in one sentence, but he’s actually right!! I don’t feel normal right now?

November 5, 2017 at 4:55 am #176523

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Louise:

You wrote yesterday: “Love means making an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person”-

When he told you that you were “crazy, a psycho and paranoid” and when he shoved the computer too close to your face, when he raised his voice significantly, these are all unacceptable imperfections on his part. He is responsible for those unacceptable behaviors, not you.

On the other hand, it is possible, and it does happen in relationships, that one of the partners is angry with the other but expresses it in subtle ways, ways that do not seem alarming, but are nonetheless abrasive and in total, abusive. When the other explodes the subtle one points the finger at the blatant one and declares: Abusive!

And then shares the partner’s clearly abusive behavior with others and others quickly declare: Abusive!

Subtle aggression, like blatant aggression, is an unacceptable imperfection.

If you started arguments with him repeatedly, if you expressed your anger at him in subtle, dishonest ways, poking at him, then this behavior on your part needs to be worked at, so that you can have a loving relationship.

anita

November 5, 2017 at 5:36 am #176535
Louise
Participant
Anita I feel like all couples argue, and everyone in the world can get angry with their partner unless you are a saint! I would not class that as subtle abuse.
I feel like you should be able to express yourself to your partner without them blowing up in your face. It sounds to me you are suggesting not saying anything when you have an issue in case it causes him to become abusive

i do not find your advice very helpful to be honest, that’s my opinion.
- This reply was modified 7 years ago by Louise.
November 5, 2017 at 5:47 am #176539

Louise
Participant

I am not trying to share his behaviour to encourage people to call him abusive. I know this man and deep down he is a good guy, and I do agree that I provoked him and I have already expressed my regret in doing so. I did not do this in a malicious or abusive way, I just was completely shocked my his reaction.

November 5, 2017 at 6:59 am #176543

Eliana
Participant

Hi Louise,

You have had several caring people all express that this man is emotionally and verbally abusing you. Time and time again, you have been on denial. I don’t know why this is, and it saddens me. I don’t know if he has manipulated and controlled you to the point where you actually believe his untrue opinions of you. Of course you are not crazy, Psycho or Paranoid. Hurt people, hurt people, and somewhere along the line, perhaps starting in a dysfunctional family or childhood this originated. Opinions are just that, opinions. They are not based on fact, therefore, how can they be true? Is he a Psychiatrist?

Sometimes, people can give you all the advice and caring in the world, but in the end, if you don’t want to accept it and keep your eyes closed, it is only up to you to help yourself, and I hope you will. You deserve better, and deep down..I think you know that too.

November 5, 2017 at 7:08 am #176547

Louise
Participant

I don’t know, maybe he has? I just feel like I could have handled things a lot differently and that’s where the regret from my part comes from. Anita is right.. I did project past insecuritys on to him when he never gave me any reason to doubt him. He was a good man and treated me with respect and care apart from the episodes in which I triggered him. I did not do this intentionally and have learned my lesson from this. I feel guilt for doing that to him and causing him to loose his compure completely and turn into someone he is not. He hates himself for reacting like that and feels as if he cannot be around me now as he doesn’t want to be that way .

November 5, 2017 at 10:48 am #176569

Louise
Participant

I am so in Love with this man. I realise we both have our faults and there is work to do. But I don’t know how I’m going to be without him now! He was my best friend and I adore him. I can’t imagine ever loving another man as much as I love him now. I don’t know what to do, my body aches without him, I can’t take the thought of never seeing him again. I can’t believe I’ve lost him and I hate the way I handled things, I know ‘this can never be fixed and I’m finding that extremely hard to come to terms with. I’m in so much pain, everyday hurts and it’s not getting easier.

November 5, 2017 at 12:06 pm #176587

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Louise:

You wrote to me earlier that my advice to you was not helpful, so I abandon previous such attempts. What I want to express to you here is that I feel sorry that you are in so much pain, that you suffer such great distress. I wish it wasn’t so. I wish you were engaged in a loving relationship right now instead of hurting as you do.

Please take good care of yourself, treat yourself well at this time, be gentle and kind to yourself.

anita
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