Dear Louise:

You asked: “Is he an abusive man or is it all my fault?”- at times he was abusive to you. It may also be that at times you were abusive to him, although not in the same ways. I don’t know. He clearly has trouble controlling his behavior when angry and his behavior is abusive.

Usually there is fault or responsibility on both sides of a relationship. For example, you mentioned arguments, if you start most or all of them, then you are responsible for those. You are responsible for your participation in the interactions with him and he is responsible for his.

Who started some or most of those arguments and what were they about? Can you give an example of one and how it proceeded?

anita

Dear Louise:

Reads to me that you are taking more responsibility for the ending of this relationship than is yours. When we take more responsibility than is ours we do get Confused (in the title of your thread). If you shared one example of an argument that you believe you are responsible for, I will be glad to give you my feedback.

anita

Dear Louise:

I suppose this is an example. And the last one, actually, the last in the relationship.

He had your photo as his screensaver because he liked it. You didn’t but he did. Because it is his computer, better if you let him have the photo he chose. Better if you did not comment on the photo: his preference, his computer, his choice.

Then you expressed a doubt in him, that was wrong of you because he gave you no reason to doubt him previously and there was no reason this time. You projected your past experience of mistrust into him. Better if you didn’t voice your mistrust in him and let him be.

He should not have shoved the screen so close to your face, shouldn’t have called you names or raised his voice. Instead, he could have told you that he felt hurt that you mistrusted him. He could have ended the relationship without acts of aggression.

If he felt triggered by you, triggered to act aggressively, it is wise of him to have ended the relationship. He is still responsible for his acts of aggression but it is to his credit for having ended a relationship where he felt triggered him to act that way.

anita

Dear Louise:

I am sure that there are “far worse things (you) could have done”, but what you did do was more than he was able to endure. Better not aim at doing worse things but instead not do any bad things at all. Aim at it best you can. There is a lot of abuse people encounter in life, better not add any to it, small or big. The … little bad things do add up.

In life you get debited for doing wrong; you don’t get credit for not doing worse.

anita

Dear Louise:

You wrote that “that is not how a relationship works”-

I hope you feel better soon enough, that you find some peace of mind regarding this very recent relationship. When you do feel better, calm enough, and you would like to, please let me know how a relationship works, will you?

anita

Dear Louise:

People are imperfect, of  course. Making an unconditional commitment to another person before and without learning who that person is, that is very unwise. Outside of a parent’s duty, legal and ethical, to provide for and not be abusive to their minor children,  unconditionally- as adults, we should choose what imperfections we can and should endure. Do you disagree?

anita

Hi Louise,

I know you are hurt and feel regretful that the relationship is over.  Stop blaming yourself.  One person can’t be responsible for making a relationship happen.  You’re too focused on what you could have done differently, but what about his role in this?  Have you thought about what he could have done differently if he really wanted this relationship to work?  You haven’t lost the love of your life because it’s not love if he’s jealous of your job and being verbally and emotionally abusive.