Dear Mish:

You shared that recently you started chatting via Facebook with an old school mate who currently works overseas. About a month into the chatting, the conversations changed “and became more personal and sexual in nature”. You later found out that “he is in a relationship with this girl and in fact they live together”.

After that finding, you felt hurt and upset and there were “no more sex convos and we just chat as mates”; he messages you every day, asking you how your day was and if your kids are okay, even after he returned to his girlfriend from overseas (if I understand correctly).

You developed an emotional attachment to him. You feel that he too feels emotional attachment to you and that he is giving you mixed signals: on one hand he says that he wants you as his best friend only, and on the other hand, you feel that he wants you as more than a friend. You don’t want to lose the friendship, but .. you are not clear about the nature of the friendship.

“am I making myself too available for him?… I just don’t want to be taken for granted. What should I do?”-

– my answer: because you are not clear about the nature of the friendship, because, as I understand it, you are wondering if he is unsatisfied with his current relationship and perhaps considering a love relationship with you- better ask him. I imagine it will be scary for you to do so, but if you prepare how to ask him, even write it down, and then ask him, you will be less scared.

Once you ask him, you have to carefully listen to his answer and later figure out what his answer means. If it is not a clear answer, you will need to ask him follow-up questions.

Here are possibilities as to his motivation to keep the contact with you while having a relationship with another woman (based on the very little information you provided and on my understanding of people in general):

1. He may be dissatisfied in his current relationship, but then, he may have been dissatisfied in any relationship he ever had.. and if he was in a love-relationship with you, he may be dissatisfied as well.

2. He may be a man who likes variety. He doesn’t want to be.. stuck with one woman. Even if he only talks with another woman, that gives him a relief from that being stuck/ trapped-with-one-woman feeling.

3. He wants out of his current relationship but is afraid to end it. He is currently.. building the foundations of a new relationship, with you, to replace the one he is not yet ready to end.

— asking him the right question/s will help you figure out if either one or a combination of the above is true, or if it is something I didn’t mention.

If you would like help in asking him question/s, or you would like to continue to communicate with me otherwise on the matter, please do.

anita