Dear Tara:

You mentioned your boyfriend’s “fragile mental state” and your own mental illness (“I would try to tell him he can’t fix my mental illness“-

– can you elaborate on what you mean by his fragile mental state and by your mental illness?

anita

Dear Tara:

You shared that you are 20, living with your parents. You are currently on a break from your boyfriend, 22,  whom you met six months ago, and with whom you lived for two months,  “but plan to get back together in the near future after I have had some counseling and figured myself out”.

He has a history of depression and you were diagnosed with general anxiety disorder. You also mentioned Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (“maybe even OCD is pushing me to think about this issue”).

You shared that recently, your “general anxiety spiked up out of the blue and turned into full blown panic attacks and anxiety”. Your boyfriend tried to help you with the panic attacks but wasn’t able to. “This deeply upset him, as he feels powerless”. Him being upset made you feel more anxious, “trying to watch what I say around him not cause an argument… fights about this same thing had ensued almost everyday.. he tells me it makes him crazy knowing he can’t do anything to help me”.

As a result, “we both agreed to take a small and short break so that I don’t bring him down with me”, and you moved back to your parents’ two days ago. A day later (yesterday), he falsely accused you of blocking him from social media, and told you that “he is confused and doesn’t know what to think of anything anymore”. You feel that he is angry at you.

My input today:

1. About anger- you wrote: “I am sure his ‘anger’ is coming from his sadness and missing me”- you placed anger in quotation marks, as if he is not really angry at you, or as if anger is not a valid feeling. Maybe you are uncomfortable with anger, including your own anger, and this discomfort plays a part in your anxiety.

Anger doesn’t come from sadness. If he feels anger at you, it is because he perceives that you hurt him and that it was wrong of you to hurt him.

2. About living with a person who experiences “full blown panic attacks and anxiety”- it is a very difficult situation for any person to be living with another person who experiences full blown panic attacks and anxiety. It is even more difficult for someone struggling with depression. Like you stated yourself, it was the right thing for you to move back to your parents, so to not bring him down with you any longer.

3. About him falsely accusing you for blocking him from social media, and telling you that he is confused etc.- it is possible that he wants to break up with you for his own mental health. For his well-being, please consider this option.

4. About your questions- you asked: “Is time apart the right thing?”- yes.

“How can I make him see this break from my point of view?”- if I understand correctly, your point of view is to have a short break from him and within that break heal your anxiety, and then resume the relationship/ live together. But what is his point of view, I don’t know. Do you?

“how can we make this time apart a learning experience and bring us closer together in the end?”-

– stay living apart, and seek professional help, the counseling that you mentioned and perhaps medication.

– don’t fight anymore (“fights about this same thing had ensued almost everyday”)- I don’t know what those fights were about. If you want to explain the fights to me, please do.

– if you want to share about when you were diagnosed with general anxiety disorder, when your severe anxiety started/ under what circumstances, please do, and I will respond further.

anita