Confused about relations in my life

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This topic has 8 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 4 months ago by Anonymous.

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November 25, 2018 at 9:26 am #248461

Victor
Participant

Hi,

Before starting of any topic, I would like to thank the Tiny Buddha family for all the support and help that I have got for issues in my life. It is a great platform.

Now, coming to my problem. I am a 25 years old male who is consfused about all kinds of relations in his life be in friendship or girlfriends. I would like to point out that I have never had a girlfriend in my life. Though I had a few girls who I was attracted to but I never took it further. I think a lot about stuff in my life, I try to analyze each and every situation and person and I tend to make sure to keep that person in my life only if it helps me grow.

Off lately, I made a few new friends. I found them interesting and thought it would be fun to hangout. I had good times with them and also helped them a lot in their personal and professional lives. One of the guy in the group became really close friends with me and we enjoyed each others company a lot. I started noticing few things which I did not like. The guy thought of himself as a casanova and always used to tell me about his relations and sex life. Being 25, I did not find those talks worth giving attention because we are no more teenagers to talk about this stuff. I believe that in life there are bigger goals to be achieved then all of this. I started to feel irritated but I tried and ignore the stuff.

Now, there is also one girl who I am very close with in the group. I started observing a few things in her as well. Whenever there is a fight in which I am involved she always tries and finds my mistake rather than anyone else. There have been many incidents in which I reacted badly but the catalyst was someone else’s behavior. But she always blames me.

I am very confused about these kind of friendships in my life. What should I do? Are they even worth keeping friends or should I just assume that they have no goals in life and I should carry on with my own stuff?

P.S: There are a lot of other incidents which I am not mentioning here since it will make this a very long post. Thanks

November 25, 2018 at 9:38 am #248465

Mangal Kavita
Participant

Hey Victor, first I wanna tell you one thing at end end of our life there is nothing more than relations or our love ones !! Whatever we achieve in our life expect name and fame,example we earn enough money which left in this beautiful earth at the end of our life ,.whatever we take with us is people blessings or place in there heart.. so relations are important or worth !!

But when some relations give us negative vibes and are not comforting is then leave there hands and move forwards and that is life…

November 25, 2018 at 9:40 am #248467

talah
Participant

Hi Victor,

If this is a constant thing and they are making you feel low all the time I think you should distance yourself from that negative energy. In order to be happy, you need to be away from anything that is limiting your happiness. You should go out and try new things, meet new people, and it does not mean you should completely cut them out of your life. Just because they have a different lifestyle than you, it doesn’t mean you don’t have to be friends with them, you can still be friends but find other friendship groups as well. If they are really close to you, you should always tell them how they are making you feel, and if they don’t understand that and carry on making you feel that way then you should definitely distance yourself. You are 25 and have so much to live for! it’s okay if you are confused, just make sure whatever choices you make, make you happy.

November 25, 2018 at 9:40 am #248469

Mangal Kavita
Participant

I have to say a hindi quote…. jindgi m sabb mil jayega or hm khud paa lenge bus ek chij h jisko nibhana or sikhana khud padta h or vo ek art h! So , when you learn this art you will be happy more and more … I’m guaranteed!!!

November 25, 2018 at 9:43 am #248471

Victor
Participant

Thanks everyone for your lovely advice. @kahani – can you translate that quote in english, I do not understand hindi. Thanks 🙂

November 25, 2018 at 10:33 am #248487

Eliana
Participant

Hi Victor,

I think what may be happening is we all have flaws, sometimes, we talk about things, that people may not find interesting..but we sure wouldn’t want them analyzing us to “end a relationship with them” like the man who talks about sex and girlfriends. You don’t have to end things with him..if he is a nice person, he may not know you are not comfortable with the topic. As many men I know..it seems that most of them talk to each other about. Maybe you could just be honest with him..but in a nice way. Tell him, you enjoy his friendship..but relationships and sex is out of your comfort zone, and if he wouldn’t mind..you both could change the subject. Or maybe politely just change the subject your self and he will get the hint after a couple of times. Sometimes we lose our relations with others, because we are so busy “being irritated” or “analyzing” when..just like them..They might find things about ourselves irritating. We are not made perfect. Not “ordering” beings, but human beings with our own limitations, flaws, insecurities..that is what makes us likeable by others. You certainly would not want someone analyzing every thing you say or do and ending their friendship with you, just over one or two conversations.

And the woman, again the analyzing and then it becomes irritation, and ultimately the end of a friendship or relationship. Try this..next time..tell yourself “I’m just going to enjoy my conversation with this person and interacting with them, and will not judge or analyze. Hope this helps..

November 25, 2018 at 10:37 am #248491

Victor
Participant

Hi Eliana,

This was a very nice advice from you. It really cleared a lot of things for me. It surely is very helpful.

But what do you have to say about the fact that the guy’s behavior is very much dependent on his needs. If he has some selfish motive from me he will keep in touch otherwise he will not. I have observed this behavior a couple of times. More than that, he has lied to me a few times when he was calling the other woman friend we have in common to his house and did not inform me when I was physically present at his house.

I came to know about that when I left and the woman told me that while talking to me a few moments later.

November 25, 2018 at 10:51 am #248495
Eliana
Participant
Hi Victor,

I think he may just need a friend. Sometimes people will make up “white lies” in order to make themselves appear more interesting. I myself have probably done it..as many people, but we can’t judge them as “being selfish” just know his quirks without judge ment or analyzing. Or you may tell him your feelings, that you really enjoy a friendship with him, but your values are those of truth..and if he is a true friend..he will know you will not put up with his lying. Maybe he is not even aware he is lying or trying to hurt you. If this is something you know you can’t accept..maybe just have him as an acquaintance. They always say..we only really need one or two real friends in life..for example if I mistakenly get put in jail..who will bail me out at 3am? If you can name one person who would do this..then this is truly a blessing and gift. True friends are very hard to find. Try to enjoy him..but don’t take it or him so seriously where you could cut someone entirely out of our lives. If we cut someone imperfect off with one or two human imperfections, we will have a lonely life. Hope this helps..
- This reply was modified 6 years, 4 months ago by Eliana.
November 25, 2018 at 12:23 pm #248519

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Victor:

Welcome back!

I was wondering, you wrote regarding the female friend you have: “Whenever there is a fight in which I am involved she always tries and finds my mistake rather than anyone else”-

what fights do you have and with whom, can you give me an example or two?

And regarding one such fight, w hat mistake or mistakes of yours did the friend point out to and what mistake/s of the other person did she not acknowledge?

anita
Author

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