Dear Carol:

A summary of your story: you met a man, “instant connection”, dated for a month, “totally smitten”, but called it off because you felt that he was not that into you. Next you randomly bumped into him several times over the years, one of which led to a three months relationship so far between you, 34, and he, 39.  On the first week of the current three month relationship, you asked him “how he saw this”, and his answer was that he saw you “as a friend”. You were upset but continued “no strings”. At one point you expressed to him your dissatisfaction and he expressed to you that you and him “weren’t just ‘friends'”, and the two of you “agreed to see how things go, with the intention of a relationship”.

Next, he told you that “he thought things were going well”, but not so in your mind: you are anxious and distressed, “why hasn’t he messaged? Why am I the only one making plans?.. I drunkenly text, ‘I really like you, not sure how mutual it is'”. Next, he told you that you “keep doing this and it makes him feel down.

He put some effort into the relationship: invited you to a friends’ function, a date, put a photo of you and him on his social media; you want that “excited feeling, a smitten feeling”, but instead, now in lockdown, you are overthinking, and not relieved (for long) by the fact that he told you recently that even if there was no lockdown, “the thought of dating anyone else didn’t cross his mind”. You feel that he doesn’t ring you enough, that you are always pursuing him, and you don’t want to “be impatient like last time and mess this up”.

Seems to me that you are indeed impatient. You are anxious now, lockdown and all, but you were anxious no less before in the context of relationships. You get so anxious that you want to end a relationship rather than wait for .. a gradual progression of intimacy, trust and such.

You want it here-and-now, or else be gone!

“Maybe I need to calm the hell down?”- yes, of course.

“Or maybe I’m just wasting my time with this guy?”- maybe, but in a lockdown, there is plenty of time to waste: he can’t have a new woman in his life, not if he practices social distancing like he is supposed to, and you can’t have a new man in your life.. so what’s the rush when there is nowhere to go?

“Waste” your time now with this man by not calling him often, wait for him to call you, wait a whole day and the night to come while getting busy with other things, distracting (music, movies, this website, etc.) and let it be.

I put waste in parenthesis because I don’t see the waste yet, it’s been only three months.

How were your previous relationships like?

anita

Dear Carol:

“I don’t think I’m very good at this”- you can get better. It’s all about learning in the dating/ relationship context, no less than in the career context and any other.

More important than anything regarding a man you are interested in, is finding out what motivates him, what is it that he wants, and from whom. The guy who used you for a place to live, his motivation was.. a place to live. But you found that out after the fact, after you got hurt. Better find it before you invest too much, and before you get hurt

The guy you spoke with for hours on the phone, about “dreams, kids, marriage”- you probably figured out what he wants, but did you figure out with whom he wants kids and marriage, with what kind of a woman, what does he want in a woman?

You found out that “he didn’t see that future with me”, but you found that out later than you could. You could have asked him: who do you want this future with?

(Maybe you asked and he didn’t answer you honestly?)

It’s about clarity, you ask the questions (but not in an anxious kind of way, or in a way that expresses to the man that it’s all up to him, looking up at him as the savior, the one who you hope will make it all  okay for you). Ask him questions so to get the information you need, it is your right to get information from a man you are dating. Dating shouldn’t be a guessing-and-hoping-and-waiting game, but instead an opportunity to get information, to make wise choices and to have some fun along the way.

Are you living alone or with family, at the moment, lockdown and all?

anita

Dear Carol:

“Asking if he wants these things with me seems too early at 6 months, possibly too ‘needy'”-

-you can ask a man what is he looking for, in a woman. It’s a fair question. If he answers you  honestly, you can figure out if there is a match between what he wants and who you are or want to be. Six months of dating is not too early to ask this question. It’s fair to ask it on the very first date, or before the first date (in the case  of online dating).

“the guessing and waiting game.. seems to breed over thinking and analyzing! Which stem from this fear I have of getting hurt”- we are afraid to ask and get the wrong answers, so we don’t ask and suffer from the wrong answers we get anyway, without asking the questions.

We can hide from reality,  avoid confronting it, deny it- but reality doesn’t hide from us, it will confront us eventually, and it will not be denied! So better confront it in our timing, before we invest too much in what’s not likely to work out for us.

Regarding appearing too needy for asking a question- depends on the wording and the tone. You can ask almost any question in a strong, confident tone of voice, and you won’t appear needy.

You  have an amazing 11 year old- teach her to ask questions, to word the questions correctly and use a confident tone when asking, for the purpose of getting the information she needs so to make good decisions in every context of life.

I too miss sitting with people, particularly in our local taproom which I used to visit in the afternoons a few times a week.. when will that happen again.. I don’t know. How strange it is, first time in my life.

Post here anytime, no (biological) viruses transmittable through the world wide web, and although we are not present with each other in-person, it’s still real human beings, living and breathing, behind the keyboards and computer screens, interacting with each other.

anita

You are welcome, Carol, and thank you for your good wishes, good wishes back to you and your daughter.

anita