Hopeful,

What is preventing you from getting more nourishing friends? Her actions surprised and disgusted me when I first read them, but as I found peace, I see her suffering. What does she have that she has built for herself, from her self? Does she have anything that she can draw upon to grow her feeling of self reliance, self confidence? She has money and cars and a house and so on, but those are material, transient, dissatisfying.

Perhaps you are afraid to confront her because you don’t like conflict. It is easier to feed her than tell her to find her own food. Said differently, if you let her walk over you, you are doing a disservice to her and to you. Confronting her is not just about you, it is about helping her awaken to her pain, her suffering.

For instance, when she says “people without money are just jealous.” Perhaps you could notice how you suffer less even though you have less money. Then it would be a simple thing to say “you have more money than me, but seem far less happy”. What a wrench that would throw! She might tantrum and wail and lament, but that is just the poison leeching out of her. “Look, simple words from a friend are enough to send you into a rage. Where’s your money now! How do the cars and the big house help you now!” By simply nodding along and letting her tread in icky waters, being afraid to tell her what you see, think and feel, you aren’t being a good friend either. Do you think she needs clean laundry more than a clear mind? More than a wake up to her pain? The way her using friends and family as a toilet to dump her stress endlessly is harming her and her relationships?

Compassion is co-suffering. Allowing our experiences to become painful for the sake of the healing of others. Sometimes this means putting distance between us, sometimes it means saying the hard truths, and sometimes it means just nodding and hugging. Wisdom comes from looking inside and being courageous enough, discerning enough to try different approaches when one doesn’t work.

With warmth,
Matt

Hi Hopeful,

Wow! I have to agree with what Matt has said to you. Your friend has her own “issues” to deal with. Sometimes friendships come to an end. It’s definitely not an easy feeling, but if it isn’t working for you anymore, it’s time to let go. Unfortunately, we can’t be everything to everyone. You can only do so much to help someone else, after that it is up to them to help themselves. More importantly, you’ve got to take care of yourself.

Even though it hurts (i know from first hand experience with a friend of my own), it can be liberating to be free of a toxic relationship. Letting go of what isn’t good, opens up the opportunities for all the good things!

Definitely let her know how you feel and just move forward from there, no matter what her reaction is. There are great people out there! 🙂