you’ve been through a lot.. and here i am thinking im nearly going crazy with my predicament…..
have you tried pampering yourself? even just a bit? a manicure? or a pedicure?. things that will make you feel good.. if you cant bring yourself to leave for a while… maybe you should try a little bit everyday.. do something for yourself that will make you feel good.. that’s a start right?

Hello Alyce,

It sounds as if you didn’t really have a chance to grow up, before you already started taking on a lot of responsibility over other people. I remember reading this one psychology book with all the phases of growing up and that there is kind of a requirement to go through all of the phases sooner or later. If you postpone them for some reason, they will still be there, waiting for you when you’re older.

I’ve seen it in myself and in other people how difficult it gets over time, when more responsibilities start to pile up, but the capacity to handle them hasn’t grown. All the while the inner child is asking “What about me? What about my needs?” Then you feel bad about thinking like that and feel like you need to give more, but you can’t.

Do take your own time, but instead of trying to escape the reality or ruminating over the thoughts that you’d be bad (you’re not), take time to nurture that inner child. Meditate, get in touch with nature, draw or paint, give yourself the nurturing, attention and love that you need. When you get your needs met, you’ll find that you have so much more energy to be there for others as well. What now feels like a chore can start to feel like a blessing.

You also really have to stop telling yourself that you are bad, because that just takes up even more energy and causes even more emotional outbursts. If you can’t say anything nice to yourself, don’t say anything. Just nurture yourself and love yourself unconditionally.

Alyce,

In addition to TRs heartfelt and wise words, consider that you can’t control others. Your heart is so strong, it wants to run to the aid of every family member, as a superwoman, a champion of love, justice. But they don’t see it, make choices that scare you, seem wrong, foolish, whatnot. Ick, what to do? The conflicts can quickly stack up, leave impressions on us, until to see our children, loved ones, is to see a mess. Chaos.

The secret here is to let it go. You can’t control it, can’t be the anchor. Can’t stop them from making mistakes, and sometimes they’re not even mistakes, they know it better than you. But you did your best, and that’s all we can do. You brought your heart, to them, and in the closet crying. There you were, what a beauty.

To let the past go, consider forgiving yourself, others, and hoping that whatever ripples show up for them today are warm, happy, full of safety and friendship. As TR gently noted, consider saying “they’re on their journey, where do I wish to take mine” and pick up a brush and lay some paint to canvas. What do you want to see on it?

This helps us in many ways, including becoming more nourishing to our loved ones, when we feel the inspiration to give it, choose to. “I need some space, I’m heading into my cave for awhile to paint/sew/meditate/craft/whatever” is often the most loving choice. For them, and us.

With warmth,
Matt

Alyce,

There is no need for such conflict in your heart. It may help to call what you’re experiencing “burnout”, rather than falsely think something is “just wrong” with you. To much given, not enough received will quickly weary the strongest hearts.

The resentment, feeling of “get away”, all fades quite simply when we are well nourished. Our mind, body, heart, needs space and tender attention. My teacher described this as caring for our own air supply, before trying to be steady enough to help others skilfully. The resentment is like a jealousy, as a starving woman may feel for others who are eating mindlessly, wasting food. If we take some time to grow our own food, nurture and care for ourselves, we often find the path before us looking much brighter. Instead of “gosh, people want something I don’t have, leave me alone”, it becomes “whew, look at all that I have! Do I share it? With myself, others?” Light, simple.

In the meantime, sometimes the skillful choice, when the phone is ringing, is to answer. Such as being tired, seeing the dishes, then choosing to do the dishes first so the rest is more authentic, peaceful. Answer the phone, accept the role of lighthouse for a while, then when you hang up, really hang up. Be done. Move on, back to the canvas. That way, when you get there, you’ll know you’re in the spirit of giving, and just rightfully aiming that gentle light toward your own path.

Sometimes, just don’t answer the phone. Let the bees buzz, their free honey pot closed for business. “Oh, I was painting, turned off my phone. I’m going to do that now sometimes.” “Oh, but, oh, but, you’re on call 24/7” “Sorry, nope. Wipe your own butt if I’m not around, you’re a big girl/boy/husband.”

Finally, sometimes when we spend a lot of time feeling like no one is loving us back, the world can appear shadowy, as though our loved ones don’t share love with us. This isn’t it. They feel safe enough to confide their stress, ask for help, see you as a goto being. That’s their heart, underneath, saying “with her, its real, go there”. Said differently, sometimes if the night looks shadowy for us, but bright for others, we just have to look down at our chest. Chances are the love there is a lighthouse, and you’re just too busy shining to notice. Take the time to notice, you’re worth it! I bet they do, underneath whatever distractions they have.

Namaste, dear sister, less cleaning, more playing! 🙂

With warmth,
Matt