Hello Forum! 🙂

I’m not quite sure how to begin this post…I have so much to say! Ever since I can remember I have suffered from the most horrendous self-consciousness and a lack of confidence which means that I just do not know how to let people in to my life.

I think a lot of the issues I have can be traced back to the life I had growing up, which was very unsettled. My parents divorced when I was very young, which in itself has not been a problem, but as a result we moved around a lot and I don’t really have strong relationships with either of my parents. My mother is one of those people who is trapped in her teens (anyone seen Absolutely Fabulous?!), so as a result she’s always felt more like I sister, I suppose. And as for my Dad, my brother and I have never lived with him, he’s naturally quite a quiet person so again, we don’t really have much of a relationship…I think because of this, I’ve always struggled to feel rooted anywhere, if that makes sense?

I’m naturally a very shy person, it takes a lot for me to trust people and let anybody in. On top of this (I’m whinging, sorry!), I am very self-conscious about the way that I look and this also affects my relationships with other people. I wouldn’t say I’m unattractive, plain maybe… but I have very visible scars which cover my entire body and I’m so frightened to let people see them. Someone once remarked that they were ‘disgusting’ and I think that this has always stuck in the back of my mind… the belief that my body is not normal has stopped me from having so many normal experiences. I’m in my final year of university, and I’ve never been able to have a proper relationship, because I just find myself unable to open up to people…this makes me really sad, because I know that deep down I’m not living the life I should be.

I’m also conscious about telling people that I’ve never had a relationship because of all the questioning that ensues as to why that is…!

I feel like in my head I’m a completely different person to who I really am, but I just don’t know how to let all these anxieties go.

I find it really difficult to make friends, because the way I view myself stops me from having the confidence to participate in social situations, or trying new things. Sometimes I’ll avoid going out all together, just because it feels safer. It wasn’t always this way though, a few years ago I was so much more confident than I am now…I had a really solid group of girlfriends back at home and we’re still close, but I feel like something went wrong and I’ve just retreated back into myself again. I’m worried that if I don’t start to learn to let people in, that I’ll end up alone forever!

I’m almost at the end of my degree, and I feel like now is a really good time to start looking ahead to the future and take all of these negative experiences to put towards something positive. I really want to make a fresh start and start building towards the life that I want to have…my biggest fear is that I’m going to spend so much time wallowing in self-pity that life will completely pass me by and I’ll never do any of the things that I want to do…I really don’t want to end up alone.

But how can I learn to let go of all of these anxieties and negative beliefs and just be myself? Are there things that I can do to teach myself to be more confident and eliminate all the negative thoughts I have toward myself? Therapy would help, but it’s so darn expensive! I feel like the only thing holding me back from being happy is what’s inside my own head, but its so hard to tell yourself that the things you think aren’t true…any tips or advice?

I just want to be happy and live!

Apologies for the excessive wallowing ;)!!

S x