Dear Anamika:

You shared that you (35) have been married for 11 years, an arranged marriage. When he was introduced to you by common relatives, “he seemed like a good guy- nice human being, calm and understanding”, appreciative of your “career goals/ education etc.” A courtship of 9 months ensued, you had doubts about the match, there was “lack of conversations”, and the two of you “just killed the courtship time without getting to  know each other”. And then, you got married.

During the honeymoon period, the two of you argued a lot, about his drinking and smoking and preference of different activities. Following the honeymoon, you lived with his parents, and “it never felt like we were married.. we just kept going.. never being open or ever communicating with each other… never felt loved by him, not a single compliment in these many years of marriage, not once he sat with me and talk heart to heart”. At one point, after you gave birth to a son, your husband left his job, and you were worried about a huge loan taken in 2010.

In 2012, you “stumbled upon the world of online stranger chatting” and liked it, enjoyed the opportunity to express your feelings with strangers, “chatted with few guys- nothing physical ever happened but emotionally, I was invested.. did some sexting at times”.

Your husband found out about this activity and confronted you about it, seeming “emotional and sentimental”. You apologized to him, but felt no remorse. Later that year, your employer sponsored your visa to work in the U.S., and your son and husband, who was still unemployed, came with you to the U.S. You looked down at your husband, feeling angry at him, for not being like your “other established male colleagues”- for not being “the one financially leading this family”.

At that time, you felt attracted to one of your male colleagues, an accomplished, ambitious man who treated you respectfully. You told him that you liked him and he rejected you. A couple of months later, you told your husband about what happened and he said nothing, “but his anger was shown in other ways- like leaving me and my kid alone.. bashing out at me in front of other people”. At some point, he got a job and left for another state, and out of the 7 years in the U.S., you lived 4 years apart from your husband.

In the last 2-2.5 years, your job and your husband job are in the same place, so you live together but sleep in separate bedrooms. You tried to “break his walls” and let you in, but “he is just not emotionally available for me at all”. When you cried in front of him, “his reaction to it was a blank face”. You suggested going to therapy but “he is of an opinion that he doesn’t need therapy. He is ok with the way things are”.

“Throughout my life, I was always rejected.. I am not a good looking person… I always dreamed of having that perfect married life with my life long companion.. I am not a bad person… I don’t know what love is.. never experienced it and looks like never will”-

– I understand that you shared your story as a confession (title of your thread), to express yourself and feel better for it, and I hope you do feel better having expressed yourself. I am sorry to read about your miserable marriage. Sorry to read that he is not willing to open up to you or to go to therapy, and that he is okay with the way things are.

But you are not okay with the way things are.

You are only 35, and I am sure that you are prettier than you think you are, and that there are a few men out there (you need only one!) who will want to make a life with you, a life of honest, respectful and loving emotional exchange. Why not separate from him and then find a man who is capable of love?

anita

Hi Anamika,

Wow, you are really mature. Love it.

I feel like you know yourself really well, too.  Just make sure you’re not punishing yourself by choosing to stay in the marriage, you know?  Sometimes we can put ourselves in a kind of purgatory when we feel like we’ve done something “bad” because we think we deserve it, and in doing so we lose so much precious time, rather than reflecting on why we did the “bad” thing in the first place – not saying you are of course! So just remember to forgive yourself first. I mean, you didn’t kill anybody. You’re just figuring things out. We all are.

Feel free to drop a line whenever you like. I’m here.

Good luck girl. Sending you good vibes:)

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