Just out of curiosity, how do you spend 5 years with someone and then realize that you’re not compatible? I mean, I know after 6 months if i am or not compatible with someone and I don’t think i have sixth sense or anything lol. AND i’m a guy (read SLOW). Women would usually tell me within a month or two if they felt compatibility issues.

But anyway, back to the real issue. Have you tried just not giving shit? lol. I’m serious. Just stop looking! I’ve been single for almost 8 months now and haven’t gone on a single date since the breakup. I did match.com and a couple of other dating sites before I met my ex outside of any online dating site. And honestly going back makes me physically sick. Dating shouldn’t start so superficially.. based purely on looks. Maybe i’m too old fashioned but that’s what turned me away from online dating. Instead, i’m focusing on what makes me happy like hobbies and traveling… you know… just doing my own thing. I know this sounds cliche, but the most romantic encounters I had with women usually happened in the most obscure and unexpected situations. Even though none of them worked out, I still believe that at some point one will lol. So, seriously… chill out 🙂 You’re a beautiful girl. Dress to impress. Go out. Do your thing. Someone great will show up and won’t let you down 🙂

Dear Courtney:

TriangleSun in asking how you didn’t know you were incompatible with they guy you dated for five years made me think. I think it is a good point.

In a comment I made to you on another thread this morning I asked you what you learned from that relationship. Did you read it.

You wrote there that the guy of five years metaphorically threw a nuclear bomb on what you built for five years.

But now, in the post above, you wrote that you “argued constantly”- so there were bombs along the way, the whole five years…

What I see is lack of insight. As pretty as you do look in the photo and as hard as you tried on online dating, there is something missing and that is understanding of yourself, knowing yourself… more precisely, being CONFIDENT about what you do know about yourself. You may be ignoring YOU as you try to “pass a test” to make a relationship work.

If you agree, please post again. I would like to help if I can.
anita

Dear Courtney:

I don’t think you are missing the mark as far as wanting companionship, a relationship with a man. This is natural, valid, understandable. Really, we are not meant to be alone. It is in our genes to be together, to reach out.

I asked you about Thanksgiving- how was your Thanksgiving. I also mentioned lack of insight, perhaps, you did not respond to these. I read your last post on the other post.

You wrote above: ” having one special person who cares about you and sees you in a distinctly different light than others (family, friends, etc…)… I genuinely hate not having that.”

How do family, friends etc see you and how different do you need a boyfriend/ husband to see you?

I am asking these questions for a reason. Please give them such thought. Looking forward to your replies.

anita

Here’s the thing. I love companionship. I love the nurturing feeling of being in a relationship. I love the feeling of partnership and having one special person who cares about you and sees you in a distinctly different light than others (family, friends, etc…)… I genuinely hate not having that.

Paradoxically, some things in life are counter-intuitive. I understand you love relationships. Who doesn’t? They make us dance in the rain and do crazy things because we’re so happy. The challenge here is not to be in a relationship solely in pursuit of self-worth, happiness or simply to just not be alone. Otherwise, it just backfires. You will end up hurt and disappointed when the person you’ve invested so much love, time and effort into runs off and you will only find yourself broken because you haven’t invested any of that love into yourself. It’s not healthy. You have to be comfortable and happy with yourself. You have to love and nurture yourself. Honestly, Courtney, this is exactly what i’m working on myself after my own breakup. It isn’t easy, but you have to step back and just evaluate what you mean to yourself and what you really want out of relationships so you don’t end up spending another 5 years with someone who doesn’t deserve you.

I’ve tried “just being happy alone” and I don’t like it. While I’m a lot more independent than I used to be, I don’t feel an immense amount of joy doing things alone. I try to say kind things to myself, go out and treat myself to dessert, pamper myself by doing my nails, and grabbing my favorite blanket to cuddle up with (alone) on the couch and watch my favorite movie. Maybe some people aren’t meant to feel fully happy alone? Aren’t we technically creatures that thrive in unions and closely among other humans?

Being alone doesn’t mean you have to do everything alone. Grab a friend, make some plans and go for drinks or a movie. Even if you don’t have a friend available, grab a book and go to a coffee shop. Go to a book store. Go for walks. Volunteer for some events. Go on meetup.com and see if you can find a group that you’d like to join. Travel sometimes and do something outside your comfort zone. These are the things I try to do and i’m slowly beginning to develop wanderlust at the immense possibilities that i have available to me now. I can go anywhere i want. I can move if i want to. I have nothing stopping me. I have nobody to check-in with. I’m just me. When you start thinking this way, you really become free and I think that’s where you want to be. And trust me, one day someone will drop in and it’ll be completely unexpected. So don’t force love. It’ll come when the time is right. And the time now is to work on yourself.

I feel like Anita was really searching for the deeper matters at play here when she mentioned a perceived lack of insight on your part. The manner in which you answered kept things very much at the surface and did not allow for a deeper look into what really is at play here.