HomeโForumsโRelationshipsโCompassion for ex
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February 23, 2016 at 7:39 pm #96981
Anonymous
GuestDear Mandy:
I think it would be tough to have a friendship (without benefits) with him following your history with him.
I hope you can have soon enough a boyfriend that you really like and one you think highly of. I get the impression you didn’t like this young man too much or didn’t think highly of him. Am I correct?
anita
February 24, 2016 at 12:00 am #97028Anonymous
InactiveMandy,
Nothing wrong with wanting to restart a friendship with someone you care about, that is a beautiful thing to do. Setting clearer boundaries with him, I’m sure he will be accepting of that, since he cares about you already. I’m sure him cutting a few of his friends off is nothing personal with you, as he is probably doing that as a healthy way for him to have good influences in his life. I’m sure he will discuss more in detail as to why he has made decisions to end certain friendships he had. Stay communicative with him and have talks face to face, as it appears he values the friendship/relationship with you very much. So my answer is YES! Go for it ๐
Sending love, positivity and light your way.
M.
February 24, 2016 at 2:10 am #97033Matty
ParticipantHi Mandy,
I would like to ask your opinion about whether I should, after a week or so, restart my friendship with him.
I watched my brother break up with his girlfriend and then become friends with benefits later on. It messed with him, mentally. He struggles to separate his original feelings for her and these new feelings. Now that he wasn’t in a relationship he felt that they were starting a new, a new chapter if you will. But they weren’t, they still had the same feelings for one another, but because they weren’t ‘in a relationship’ somehow they thought they were immune to one another, and would never fall in love again. All they were doing was continuing down the same road. When they were together like any relationship they had their ups and downs. And when you become close again after breaking up, you naturally only recall the good times, which will give you a warped perspective on the past and your relationship. I don’t care what people say, being a friend with benefits makes you as emotional invested in another as someone in a committed relationship. Maybe it will be different with you two, my brother’s first time relationship ended badly, your’s seems more amicable. As ElleTinker700 stated, making boundaries or at least making internal limitations to yourself about your friendship is a good start if you want to pursue a ‘friendship’.
I donโt want to cut off my friendship when he has told me I am the only person he feels he can call on
Is it your fault he is lonely? It seems to me that you are feeling guilty for your ex’s decisions and of course you shouldn’t be. Your not the one pushing people away, he is. Being a compassionate friend is one thing, but once again you need to define to yourself what that entails. Being in love and being friends are not binaries, although they are commonly seen as such. Now that you know you aren’t in love with him, what do you actually like about him as a friend? As a friend, what is their on offer? Generally, we form bonds with others because they are in essence mutual engagements. Are you both friends because you want to or because you feel you have to?
would it be too easy to fall back into old habits
Only you can answer this one. Based on your experiences and past, have you had habits that you broke (for whatever reason) and then went back on? Ultimately, do you trust yourself? Because you cannot erase the feelings you once had, they will always be there.
I hope this helped a little,
Sincerely,
MattyFebruary 29, 2016 at 11:37 am #97638Mandy
ParticipantThanks for your replies everyone, they were all very interesting perspectives. I agree especially with the fact that friendship and being in love are not binaries… I know I will always care about him and it is for that reason that I’ve decided I will not cut ties with him. It’s not what I believe in and I don’t think it would be the compassionate thing to do or make myself feel good. If it happens naturally over time, so be it. What I am going to do is set boundaries and open up more to my other friends, the problem is that I feel like he knows me so well and I feel more able to talk to him than other people at the moment but I can change that.
I know only too well by know that the only regrets I have are not keeping in touch with old friends and exes, not the other way round… I met someone the other day who told me the best friend she has is her ex-husband (aside from her current one, I presume!)…and he lives across the pond! I think that’s so great and I want to avoid cutting anyone I’ve cared about out of my life. I feel I have lost too many along the way! Thanks again!
February 29, 2016 at 11:55 am #97642Anonymous
GuestYou are welcome, Mandy!
anita -
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