Dear jsj32:

I need to understand this sentence you wrote: ” I am gentle and cautious, but its EXTREMELY important for me to say how I feel because I care so much and want this relationship to work.”

How are you gentle and cautious with him? Will you give a couple of examples?

And can you give three examples of what you told him “because (you) care so much and want this relationship to work”?

One more thing, it is important for you to say how you feel. Why is it “extremely” important to you, why the extra emphasis on important?

anita

Dear jsd32:

Thank you for the thorough response. As I see you, you are a sophisticated person, not easy to understand. So I am reading between your lines. And i will jump in with my first thought:

Separation anxiety- did you suffer from separation anxiety when you were a child, when your parent/s left to work, dreading they will not return, feeling scared and lonely in their absence… something like that? Were you left alone for to long?

anita

Dear jsj32:

I wrote that you are not easy (for me) to understand based on your writings above because you wrote that you used to talk to some people this way: ““You’re doing x,y, and z wrong”, “You need to change your ways” ,etc. etc.”

Then you realize it is not effective to do that, and wisely you talk differently now, using effective interpersonal skills well and now you will say things like: “I understand where you are coming from”, “This is not an attack”, “I’m not mad”, “I accept you for who you are” –

What makes it hard for me to understand is that since you are informed, educated and sophisticated to be using the second kind of talk, now I don’t know if your critical messages no longer clear as in the first example, if you still communicate the same message in other subtle ways.

It is possible that you don’t communicate disapproving messages to your boyfriend at all. But I don’t know. If you were still doing the x,y examples above, then I would understand the messages you are sending. But with the latter examples, it is possible (only possible) that the same messages are sent in other ways.

???

As far as the separation anxiety, that was about what was clearer to me, something I caught in your writing about your difficulties when not in your boyfriend’s physical company. I sensed you are anxious when physically separate from him. I thought of you as an anxious little girl away from a calming parental figure. (And again, the words you use, even the title of the thread, show intelligence and sophistication that mask a bit the raw parts of you)

anita

Dear jsd32:

You wrote in your original post: “No matter how careful I am with my words, I still find he gets incredibly overwhelmed and insulted by any slight problem I mention.” And here you wrote: “I have to dance around his feelings and be excessively kind…”

I don’t like it. I am familiar with that kind of interaction, walking on egg shells and the mere memory of it brings me anxiety and distress. This is definitely not healthy, how can it possibly be healthy?

I also don’t like it that he doesn’t answer your texts and storming out and you chasing him. Nope, don’t like it at all.

I will be back to the computer in a couple-three hours and then will re-read your posts and anything you will add next, if you’d like, so to get a better understanding..

Oh, and your anxiety and you not connecting it to anything in your childhood… nothing there? No memory of anxiety as a child? any memory of feeling unsafe, or rejected as a child? Or angry…?

anita

Dear jsj32:

This relationship is not promising, I agree. You wrote that you were rejected by the past 2-3 men who you fell in love with deeply, a “repeating cycle” you wrote. Would you like to examine this possible repeating cycle so to see if there is something to change on your part?

It is possible of course you just had bad luck.

Let me know.

anita

Dear jsj32:

You wrote (I am writing from memory reading your posts yesterday, so my words are not exact) that your brother was a successful professional athlete during your childhood and you couldn’t compete with him, athletically, I assume you mean. Your wrote that your parents were focused on him, not on you.

You wrote before that you turn backward for everyone, doing for others so much (as you did for the boyfriend you described on this thread), doing so much for others, expressing your love for them, trying to please and accommodate.

When one “niche” is taken by one sibling, in your case athleticism, the other siblings take other available places in the family. Maybe you took the people pleasing, people accommodating niche, competing for attention that way.

Could that be the case? If so, did it work for you in the context of your family?

Maybe it is not working in your relationships with men so far. Maybe you doing too much for the guy, focusing on his feelings and the balance is off, so it works against you… the guy maybe feeling pressured to … love you too soon, because of all that you do for him???

anita