thanks so much for your comments.

@coconut: yea on the one hand i think, hey i deserve someone’s 1000% attention and love. but on the other hand i think, no one will ever be able to put up with my extreme behaviour if i don’t change it. after all i had the same problems over and over again. even with guys who can show their feelings and do everything for me, it didn’t stop me from being overly jealous and controlling. it just got worse to be honest. because it’s like i’m constantly testing the boundaries. and ironically this is what my bf tells me. he says i’m constantly pushing his boundaries. and it’s true, i really did/do that, i think subconsciously i do that to see if he still stays. and if he does then (in my twisted mind) it means it’s real. and i think, he might not sacrifice as much as my previous bfs, but in his world maybe everything he does, means a lot. like his big steps are only baby steps for me maybe!? i don’t know.. oh regarding the family and kids thing. i really don’t need to have it right now. yes i said it to comfort him but i meant it too.

@anita: yes i was trying to find out where the fear stems from. i was thinking, you can’t be scared of “love” this is not possible? you must be scared of getting hurt when you love. after all when you open up, there is a chance that you will get hurt. when he was in my country, everything was pretty easy for both of us. nothing triggered my old fears/insecurities so i was pretty confident about the relationship. and i guess it was the same for him. it was easy because we just dated, knowing he would leave in a few months, no expectations. but at the end we decided to try it. he did want a relationship and give it a try.

oh another thing. back then i asked him several times why can’t you do this and that for me, why can’t you show me more love etc. and he said something like “yea and if i do all of that, you will get bored and you will leave me”. so i thought maybe he had bad experiences with opening his  heart for a girl only for the girl to become uninterested. and i have to admit, i used to be like that too. the more “proof” i got that someone loved me, the more uninterested i became. it’s so ironic, that i almost think, it’s indeed good that he is like that. life is strange.

@lost_star: thank you so much for your comment! you must be right about this. i have yet to google it, but it sounds exactly like me and him. and i even said it several times to him. i said it’s so strange i need something specific to feel good, when i don’t get it i get anxious. but that specific thing that i need is causing HIM anxiety. so i get mad and stress him, he withdraws and i get even more mad. it’s like a cycle. so i try to work on myself now and see how everything changes maybe. trying to break that cycle. we’ll see. i definitely need hobbies and to take care of my friendships more. i always rely on my bf to make me happy and spend his entire time with me and i think that’s not right.

the thing about this whole thing, why i definitely want to stay is, i’m sure that no one will put up with my behaviour if i don’t change, i know that i’m in the wrong too.  i try to look at it as a chance to change. like a challenge for my personal growth. i just need help and suggestions how to do it.

@coconut: yes, even though i am embarrassed to tell you guys, because i know this is not normal and not ok. i’m jealous when he talks to his sister on the phone. they don’t even see each other regularly, except for the holidays. but even the fact that he might be close to her makes me feel less important. I want to be the one whom he is closest with. i want to be best friends with my partner. and in these situations, maybe normal people wouldn’t say anything. but i can’t keep quiet and get really mad and say stuff like why don’t you call me and talk for hours? (we actually do but i’m the one who instigates the calls which makes me feel like it means less, because it wasn’t done freely by him), then he gets really mad because he can’t understand this behaviour. and then i am sad that he gets mad instead of comforting me and showing me that there is no reason to be jealous. i don’t know. sometimes i think it’s my fault, sometimes i think he should be more loving and understanding especially when i need it. it’s so difficult and sometimes i don’t know what’s right or wrong anymore.

did you do anything to change your behaviour? may i ask how old you are?! and how do you deal with it now?! i had the same problems in my past relationships, back then for some reason i wasn’t willing to change, always blaming my partners. i think i felt like i was too young to change for anybody, or maybe they weren’t “worth it” for me to change. i might find someone who understands me and will give me what i need. difficult topic. if i only knew where my insecurities stem from, maybe i could work on it… it can’t be that i need validation because even if i get it, i don’t stop. i think that i have trust issues. after all if you believe someone doesn’t love you, no matter how much “proof” there is, you still won’t believe it. so now i’m trying to  change my mind and think that he really cares about me, no matter how much “proof” there is in my eyes that he doesn’t. i still want to beileve in the good. but then the insecurity crawls back, what if i try to trust him completely and i am wrong? what if he’s talking to another girl behind my back? i wish i could get some guidance… like someone telling me what is right and wrong. what to do to have a happy relationship and make this work..

@coconut: yes it was the same with my previous relationships. they were understanding and loving (at least in the beginning like your ex bf until they couldn’t take it anymore). i did say i would change, but i never did. and i think i never really intended to. i just didn’t know how. it was too hard. my ex for example had a huge group of friends, drank a lot and went out a lot, where there were a lot of girls too. he was a nice guy who was friendly with anybody. it made me feel so insecure. now with my current bf he doesn’t have any female friends át all. it’s basically my dream circumstances that i always wished for, he doesn’t have a huge group of friends, well he does but they’re all married and seem to be family people, so no excessive partying. doesn’t have female friends. now that will sound really messed up but i have to be honest with you guys, he has a pretty small family and they’re not even close by, which i love as well. he doesn’t have a mom who gets too involved in his life which annoyed me so much in the past. i have to say – it might be wrong – but the circumstances are perfect for me. this is exactly what i wished for. even his personality and traits are what i wished for. well not the complicated part, but everything else. i had a list of how my ideal man was supposed to be like and he is almost everything of it. the one thing that he doesn’t like to show feelings. someitimes i wonder if it’s so important, isn’t it enough when i can feel it (when we’re together)? do i really have to hear it?

yes it might be true, i only accept his behaviour because i feel guilty. i’m not perfect either so who am i to expect a perfect man. maybe it’S true what people say. you only accept the love that you think you deserve…. to be honest, sometimes i think i really deserve exactly this. we will see… and about the happy/unhappy thing. but what if i change and just make myself happy without relying on anyone else to make me happy. and everything concerning him is just a plus in my life?! maybe this is the way to go? hmm we will see how it goes. i wanted to wait and see how it goes the next few weeks.