coming into contact with my "core beliefs"

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This topic has 25 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 6 months ago by Anonymous.

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February 27, 2020 at 6:43 am #340272

ninibee
Participant

anita, I just typed out a whole response and accidentally deleted it all! I am writing this to let you know I have read what you said, and will try to retype what I originally wanted to say later.

February 27, 2020 at 11:49 am #340310

Anonymous
Guest

Dear ninibee:

Thank you for the note. Take your time. It happened to me many times that I lost a post. Sometimes I copy a post before submitting, but at times I don’t copy and lose a post. When that happened, I got very frustrated, but to my surprise, a second writing led to a better post, a more thoughtful post.

anita

February 27, 2020 at 5:59 pm #340360

ninibee
Participant

hi again anita,

My original (lost) response was to you saying maybe I was not cleaned up on the plane as a punishment. I think this is unlikely considering some of my mom’s characteristics. It is most likely that they were just unprepared and could not clean me effectively, who knows if I had a change of clothes or not. Knowing my parents, it is most likely that my mom was overwhelmed by this situation and put all the pressure on my dad, and then my dad was likely frantic and stressed. My mom HATES mess and is rather squeamish. She could not handle vomit or blood very well at all, and certainly would hate sitting next to a vomit covered baby on a plane. I know the car seat had to be thrown away though.

My thinking was that my mom’s very likely, very negative response (rejection and terror of me) was probably more of what had an impact on me.

February 27, 2020 at 6:26 pm #340366

Anonymous
Guest

Dear ninibee:

That makes sense, that her “very negative response (rejection and terror of me) was probably more of what had impact on ” you. It was her hysteria that terrified you and that fear she created in you got attached to the experience of vomiting.

-What do you mean by “terror of me”???

– Also, will you list 10 incidents of her rejecting you over the years?

* I will soon be away from the computer for about 12 hours.

anita

February 28, 2020 at 10:58 pm #340622

ninibee
Participant

Oh by “terror of me”, I mean she likely feel terrorized by the situation of me being sick on a plane, out of her control. She was probably horrified and disgusted, and probably took personal offense in the situation… “Oh god, how come this happened to me” is probably what she was thinking.

I am realizing it is hard and confusing to remember interactions I had with my mom. I know we argued and I know her patterns of behavior generally… but specifics are hard. Let me think…

February 28, 2020 at 11:19 pm #340624

ninibee
Participant

I am thinking it is hard to think of rejections from my mom because I was rarely so vulnerable to even share any of my self with her.

I can tell you she generally disapproves of things I do or am interested in. It is a dismissive disapproval, like she will not even engage with the topic and more so it is a matter of figuring out if she approves or not based on her level of responsiveness. I get stuck in asking for permission about certain things, which is why I am even in this position in the first place. I ask for permission to avoid future punishments. I can tell you she entirely rejects any idea or interest I have unless it is something she already likes herself or agrees with already. The best situation is for her to be indifferent towards something.

So in a way, that’s one but also many rejections. This is most often about clothes or minor life decisions, like if should I buy a bicycle or not.

I am sorry anita, I am struggling with this question because as much as I can remember, I was basically entirely rejected by my mother, aside from the circumstances of something being approved of or just something she did not care about very much.

February 29, 2020 at 8:39 am #340664

Anonymous
Guest

Dear ninibee:

“I was basically entirely rejected by my mother”- I believe that this statement is .. entirely true.

I believe it is true because of what you wrote late last year in a previous thread: “Sometimes I even felt afraid to be in the backyard, because I did not want her to see me from the kitchen window. I felt very nervous and uncomfortable to be seen by her”-

– Imagine a child/ teenager who is rejected by her mother for wearing blue shirts, so the child, to win her mother’s acceptance, wear shirts that are not blue. Or a child who is rejected by her mother for talking loudly- to win her mother’s acceptance, she talks softly.

But a child who is rejected by her mother for Everything, has no way to be accepted for Anything, so she has to hide all of herself from her mother so to avoid being rejected. So she feels so very uncomfortable to be seen by her mother.

“I would hide my dirty laundry … I would feel anxious when I realized she had come into my room and taken my laundry when I wasn’t there. I would try to wash clothes when she wasn’t home, and would even feel anxious about her moving my clothes from the washer to the dryer”-

– your clothes are close to you, and dirty clothes have your smell in them, your hair and body cells that fall off naturally and stay in the clothes. You felt so uncomfortable about her touching your dirty laundry because you knew that she rejected your very self, your body, your mind, your heart, Everything about you.

Your mother has a negative view of everything about you. Your fantasy mother, on the other hand, has a positive view of you (“Her positive view of me helps me to be in the world”.

Your mother is capable of seeing you as bad in every way. Your fantasy mother: “She is not capable of seeing me as ‘bad’ in any way”.

What I am saying here is not that she told you over time all the things she rejects about you, listing them all. What I am saying is that she listed enough things to make it clear that she rejects you in totality.

And now what, now that I know it, and hopefully you know it, what is there for you to do?

anita

March 1, 2020 at 10:00 pm #340858
gia
Participant
Hello ninibee,

I’m a bit late to the party, but I am here to respond to the post in this thread in which you mentioned the lack of responses from others other than Anita. I came across your thread for the first time today (March 1st) and in the past 15 minutes or so, was slowly savouring and digesting the intimate feelings you shared (thank you) and Anita (and others’) responses to them. I took my time, and was not thinking about responding AT ALL, because as I read, I put myself in your shoes, and when what you said touched a nerve in me because I had experienced similar stuff, I was preoccupied with processing my own feelings.

I guess I am saying that it may appear that you were talking to a single sounding board, but what you shared is helping me process and maybe give me the skills to help others in the future.

When I had posted about issues I was struggling with, I saw unfamiliar names in response to what I would think as petty issues…and those strangers’ words were kind, and I felt as if they had truly processed my plight in their response.

Anyway, I’m switching back to receptive mode. It’s what I feel like today.
- This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by gia.
March 3, 2020 at 10:40 am #341152

ninibee
Participant

anita,

To your question,

And now what, now that I know it, and hopefully you know it, what is there for you to do?

I am not sure, even reading over the excerpts you used from previous things I said, I doubt them, if they are true or not, and wonder why I said them. Sometimes it seems I am very sure something was wrong, thinking something had to have been wrong… and then other times I just get confused and can’t think of anything concrete. The only thing I can think is that it’s unfortunate that I was the way I was growing up, and that it’s unfortunate that I am the way I am now still today. (Like even right now, I’m being rather difficult)

It is hard to know what to do next, I think I am still learning the possibilities of what can happen.

March 3, 2020 at 11:01 am #341158

Anonymous
Guest

Dear ninibee:

I appreciate you being honest with me. I know what you mean, I am still, this very day, believing a little more myself that my childhood reality was this or that. When we as children close our eyes to the ugly reality of our childhood (and all children with ugly childhoods do that), it is very difficult to open our eyes and see it as it was. We may see something, believe it for a moment, and then forget it as if we didn’t see it at all.

To really know something we have to feel it. We don’t want to feel pain so we stay hovering over knowledge we don’t want to have.

anita

April 8, 2020 at 6:00 pm #348328

Anonymous
Guest

Dear ninibee:

It’s been a while since we communicated; a pandemic was declared after our last posts on your thread! How are you these days???

anita
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