Dear ilikeskiingandmovies1993:

i am not sure I followed: I am tired myself. Let me see if I understood the core problem: you joined different groups of peers and it didn’t work for you. The casual group you mentioned last: two drunk friends of friend sitting in front of the TV. You mentioned suffering from ADHD. You take a psych drug and see a counselor for depression.

I think you spread yourself too thin for years in college. I wouldn’t repeat that. Instead, think before choosing and then choose one project at a time. Smae with friends. One friend is a good goal, doesn’t have to be a group.

I know other people in college seem happy but I know appearances are often deceiving, very deceiving. To some you are one of the happy looking “others.”

Maybe do a lot of relaxing activities such as yoga, meditation, solo things and limit your social endeavors, try for less and relax into what you can get. Reach out for fewer social goals and take it at a slower pace so you can pay attention, evaluate and learn from your experiences.

Am I hitting any valid points here, for you?

anita

Dear ilikeskiingandmovies1993:

I didn’t understand your sentence about straight As and Cs. As to where do you draw the line, you mean pushing yourself but not too much? I am thinking: one thing at a time. You start one thing and stick to it all the way. I am thinking Tai Chi, that discipline, slow, purposeful movements, slow motion like, very skillful, over time can help you greatly, help you with the symptoms of ADHD. One of the things I was taught in Tai Chi is to complete each move before starting the new move. Not all Tai Chi-s are created equal.

If you are interested, I can recommend a type of Tai Chi. I think it can do wonders for you, if you … give into the slow, slow pace of it.

anita

yo ilikeskiingandmovies1993,

I’m sorta in your position, in the sense that I struggle to fit into ‘cookie cutter’ groups and cliques. I was just thinking about how i failed this semester in really putting myself out there, and then i realized that i was going for quantity and volume rather than quality. From reading your post and correspondence, i think you want a lot (not that this is a bad thing), but really all you really want and need is an intimate connection with others, something that is meaningful and actually makes a difference to your life. When i mean intimate, i don’t necessarily mean romantic.

Also, something i discovered, much as you are now, is that just because you ‘hang out’ and go to the same school doesn’t mean you are actually friends. For 7-8 years I stuck with a bunch of fellas that i really enjoyed hanging out with. When it came to graduate high school i sort of started to question whether or not we actually had anything in common. Besides the same classes, our interest in video games and other stuff we had nothing else. Maybe this is the case with yourself? I actually feel i too missed out on forming stronger bonds with people outside my so called ‘friendship’ group, but hey, that’s life. You go left, they go right.

As others have mentioned, it’s not to late to meet new people, but i guess it’s hard because you have to release yourself from your current mindset. That you are going to die alone. Quite frankly, it doesn’t matter whether its a great thing or the most horrible experience imaginable….it always comes to an end. So try not to think of this part of your life as ‘definitely’ over. Just try and start again.

Secondly, you need to apologize to yourself. Clearly you feel that you haven’t spent your time wisely. You also want to have the same interactions as others who have best of mates, have cool stories to tell your kids, reminiscence with your partner about poor life choices and laugh them off. Maybe you want to be that guy who can walk through the yard and have peeps shout your name out and say “what’s up?”. But the limited time i had of this experience i felt on fire, like i was just feeling a head taller and confident as hell. But these relationships weren’t really…well ‘real’. At best i was an acquaintance at worst i was just someone in their class that made them feel less lonely and anxious. It’s not difficult to meet people who are deep and reflective like you are. It’s way more difficult for people to just open up and be deep and reflective, it’s like you have to show people that you respect their views and give them permission to do so. A lot of people may feel uncomfortable opening up. Heck, people can be in established relationships, have kids and grow old together and never really express deep and emotional opinions because they fear judgement from others, and the closer you are the harder it gets. Maybe that’s why you have moved in another direction from your other mates, because they feel that 4 years is enough that there really isn’t much to talk about. You are just enjoying each others company.

My final point, is that humans are annoyingly obtuse and complex. We say something with words, do the opposite with our actions. Our actions communicate one thing, but our words speak of another. Have you actually spoken to your mate, 1 on 1? I find that groups are the worst because you never show your true self in many of these ‘group’ situations because these groups have certain expectations about how you act in them. Try just having a chat, be honest. If he is being a dick about it, nothing you say will change his mind or your own. I guess it’s easier to cut your losses then continually trying to smash your head against a wall hoping to make lemonade.

I hope this helps, if you have more to add, please keep posting 🙂
MAtty