What do you mean by co-dependency first of all? is it human or material?where withdrawal is involved sometimes it is the answer as well as the problem: a void has been created which, apparently, needs to be filled or a suitable replacement found.What needs to be attended to immediately is the feeling of neediness since it is not for certain that the fill or replacement will serve in the same capacity as the loss.substituting the feeling of need with a correct countermeasure(this will depend on what has been lost and which you in rational terms must ennumerate and accept) will both ease the pain felt as well as recondition the mind and soul for the change which has already been affected and which both need to adapt to.

In the case of a break-up it is difficult to check what has been lost if a full disclosure between yourselves has not been made, this is part of the loss which must be accepted first or you will enter a spiral of what is known as rumination, the attempt to digest past occurrences by repetitive analysis of the events which transpired,from experience Rumination can only lead to a more painful withdrawal and a loss of consciousness of your current situation.In some cases it can lead to self harm which can take place in may forms.

try also to gain a perspective of what was gained before the break up to asses what your future needs may be in light of this circumstance, hope this helps

Hello!

I attended some Al-Anon meetings after a very painful break up (he suggested it). I didn’t want to go, but I’m really glad I did. It was very helpful to not only talk about your own journey, but to listen to others (and not be allowed to comment). It was easier to see the problems unfolding before you on other people, knowing that you did the same things they did. If there are meetings close to you, I wholly recommend trying it out. I’m undecided about the 12 steps myself, but I loved the atmosphere in the meetings. To me it was a place of healing in a group setting without anyone judging.

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for nearly 4 years. He lives 120 miles away from me. I’m 42 he’s 45. At the beginning this man was wonderful charming and adored me. He bought me flowers every week and teddies and told me very early on how much he loved me. That I was beautiful and everything else wonderful I wanted to hear. Wow I thought this is too good to be true. There was something not right from the start as I see now but I chose to ignore them. I was too inlove with this charmer to see the woods for the trees. He promised that he would come to live with me and my 2 sons from a previous relationship. He never did. I kept asking him and he kept making different excuses all the time. I noticed that he told lots of lies. To begin with it was his name, I found out the truth myself. At first he told me he had 3 grown up sons, 6 months into the relationship he confessed he had a further 2, all with the same woman. He also told me he worked somewhere different, I found out myself a year into the relationship, I should of ended it then, but of course I didn’t because I was hooked. Because of the distance it took longer to get to know this man. We got engaged after 9 months. He said he wanted people to see that I was with someone. After about 2 and half years the real him started to emerge. My dad wasn’t well so me and my sister had to start looking after him and my mum, she is in a wheelchair so they both needed a lot of help. It was only temporary, but he hated the fact that I couldn’t go down and see him. He wasnt the centre of attention. This different side of him I wasn’t liking.
More and more weird behaviour came out. He never had any empathy for me. He would lie an awful lot. He would beef himself up so much I felt sick just listening to ehim. He tried to tell me what to do and what not to do. I couldn’t go out with friends. He tried to control me from 120miles away. I started to realise that this man was no longer making me happy. He was making me unhappy. He wanted to see texts in my phone. On 2 occasions he put the blunt side of the bread knife to my throat and said that if I do anything across him that is what I’ll get. I asked him to stop it and he said take a laugh I’m only joking.
He always tells me he’s the best man I’ll ever get and that I’d miss him.. He has grabbed my ears in rage and shouted in my face. I was scared. He makes comments about me like ooh you have a big nose, ooh you have a big bum,ooh you have lines around ur mouth, when I ask him to stop he says take a joke.
When I ended it once he got a woman to call my phone telling me to leave him alone as he’s not interested anymore. He won’t tell me who that was.
I realise that I wanted out of this relationship. Up to date I have ended it about 10 times and he keeps coming back. But wen I end it he gets very nasty horrible and evil. He sends horrible texts and letters saying that he has met another woman and that I have a body like crime watch but a face like bay watch. And that it’s poor me that I have lost a very good man and that I’ll regret it Then he will ring me saying he loves me and that he needs me and that wants me back. Wen we get back I ask him about the texts and letter, he says they’re not true it’s just because he’s so angry and raged. He says I’d rather do that than kill someone.. It’s his way of getting the anger out. I have been attending a counsellor to try to help me understand why I keep going back to this awful toxic relationship and I have just realised I am codependant.
So I am going to do work on me,now I understand how I got into this relationship and why I keep getting hooked.
I just couldn’t understand myself and the addiction. Now i do. I haven’t off him in 2 days. So hopefully I won’t again. I have to be strong and never contact him again omg I’m sorry this is so long but I could write a book about it.
He’s made me anxious walking on eggshells,scared,my head is fogged. No confidence. Exhausted drained. God he’s damaged me.
He’s says I’m a nasty and vile and good look to any an who gets me.
Help!!

I have been married 7years to a man who was married 4 times before. I am a nurse and he is a retired stock broker who once was a millionaire. He is a passive man, who never said much but seemed to follow my lead. He embraced my two Sons, who are adults, and even helped my younger son to find a spiritual path. I became frequently ill during the marriage and finally had to stop working and consider surgery and perhaps not go back to work. My husband tried to handle our dwindling finances, and we lost our beautiful home, and he sold his car. I spent a great deal of attention and money towards helping my Son, and my husband put his foot down and said enough. He withdrew his bank account and moved out, stating he wanted a separation. He moved back in a year later. 4 months ago he packed up and moved away again, wanting a separation. I went ahead with my surgery, and had a difficult recovery, due to pain medication withdrawal and weakness. I found a roommate to help with expenses and have been managing financially for the time being. My husband moved 2 hours away to a small town where his spiritual mentor lives (a female ) and has fully embraced his spiritual practice to obsession, as he did when we lived together. It was becoming bizarre, and soon he abandoned all relationships with our friends and insisted on strict hours of family visits , to not interfere with his meditation . I meditate also, but not at the expense of relationships. Soon we emotionally deteriorated, and moved to separate bedrooms and separate lives. I became angry and hostile, he became more passive and lived his life independent of me, while assisting in errands and housekeeping. I felt abandoned and angry since he left, and neither of us has attempted to communicate, except by email and only business related questions. I feel like a yoyo, and burned out emotionally, but am pulled to send emails, and long for him to call. He sends obvious ” need contact” emails, and I am tiring of this game, but I’m afraid of breaking it off permanently, unsure if we just need time apart to cool off and think and get perspective, or just move on and get on the other side of this painful limbo I live in now. I got through the Holidays, wedding anniversary, and surgery without a word from him, and now need objective words to help me break this painful cycle. As I am still recovering from surgery, I am still very vulnerable and needy, but I don’t want to live like this any more. Thanks for listening…..