I just broke up with my boyfriend of 3 months, yes 3 months.  I’d known this man for over a year now and we started as friends first so I have an idea of who he is at least.  Without trying to make this topic super long here are the facts:

• Boyfriend is an alcoholic
• Boyfriend may be addicted to pain medication
• A year and a half ago he got into a bad accident that has prevented him from going back to work as a general contractor which set off the pills and alcoholism
• His ex roommate has a restraining order against him but ex roommate is also a coke dealer
• His firearms were stolen him from because his drug addict sister tipped off one of her drug addict friends
• His mother died 7 years ago from an overdose and his family believes she killed herself
• He’s not quite over his ex girlfriend of 10 years who married another man a few years after they broke up
• His dad has two types of cancer and is dying

And now I’m in the picture…or at least was.  In between that he’d let me know he loves me, he gave me a promise ring, put his truck under my name, gave me access to his bank account and been in jail for five days because of problems with his ex roommate.  Crazy as it is, that didn’t bother me because I believe in his innocence.

I broke up with him yesterday because I couldn’t handle how he is when he’s drunk and angry at me.  He is insecure about my friendship with another single dad and instead of admitting it he insulted me and used his disease as an excuse having shown little remorse even though he apologized.  He is upset at my 11 year old son because my 11 year old doesn’t like him (I’m divorced) as he has had a hard time with the whole idea of me dating again.  He also continues to bring up his ex girlfriend which I admit I am insecure about.

He is half sober during the week, half baked and drunk the other part of the week.  He’s constantly dwelling in the past and instead of taking the steps to move forward he stews is the “why me”.  I tried to create positive experiences for him, I tried to be there for him and support him.  I’ve driven him to the court where they give him the run around, I give him things to do around the house.

We’ve talked about rehab, which he’s open to but doesn’t really make the move, he’s taken me to his psychologist appointment so that I can offer another opinion on his behavior.  He seems to want to get out of it, but seems to want a miracle to happen.  He has taken very little responsibility over his life, as it takes my push to even get him out of bed and doing something.

His phone has been confiscated because he’s still under investigation, his car is still in the shop because someone hit it while parked, his belongings are still in his house because his ex roommate ignored a court order to allow him the one day pass to retrieve his things.  It’s been a month without the bare necessities to take charge of his life.  And all of this he’s been living with me and my two kids.

I’m writing because I just can not and will not tolerate his abuse while under the influence.  The other night he was drunk and angry at me.  He told me I smelled, said I looked stupid, tried to keep me from going back to my friend’s house where my kids are so that we can talk, then threatened to get out of the car (I pulled over and gave him the opportunity).  And that was just the other night, he’s insulted me before but now it’s getting regular, like once a week, with the same excuse of having been drunk and over reacting.  I see the pattern and I don’t want it to get worse.

I’m trying. I realize I am the classic case of being a co-dependent person.  As it stands, I feel extremely guilty because he no longer has my support and yes, I absolutely love the bastard!

When he’s sober he’s lovely.  I love the way he loves me, it’s like no other.  But to be able to take care of my two children, do my two jobs, and be a whole person, I need to count on someone who is sane and sober all of the time.  The way he loves me is wonderful but no ring, no amount of money or possessions can make me stay.

I refuse to give up my life or be dictated by jealousy because it’s happened to me before and I’ve alienated myself for an abusive man.  I know this man I’m with will never harm me physically but I see the signs and it scares the shit out of me.

I’m to a point where I’m so confused, drained, burned out, hopeless and getting weaker.  I need my strength for my children and for myself.

I’m a hot mess and I need to know i’m doing the right thing.  I also would love to hear if any of you have been through something similar and how you got through it.