Anita,I ve kind of moved past that phase but yeah you are right. It stemmed from a dysfunctional family. I am recognising the need to be assertive. 15 years of picking up some habits, now I am working very hard to reverse them.

I am fanatically working on positive thinking. I want some good material on CBT.

I am just so annoyed I got myself to this point. I won’t give up though. I’ll keep trying.

Social norms! Sigh! What stood in my way for several years.

It’s better now Anita. It’s the belief system that I have to let go. I am standing in my own way.

I have made huge progress in the last few years. I am proud of myself. To be honest when I see my friends so happy, I feel what mistake have I done. I worked so hard. I read so much self help books but look at me, with obsessive and depressive thoughts now. What the hell was i actually doing. Well  I’ll keep reminding myself of how much I have changed for the better.

I wish I atleast enjoyed myself in my 20’s. I can’t think of what I did to be facing so many obstacles in my life. My shitty karma has come to the fore probably. I am just praying and praying and praying.

Lol

Because of this pain, I am so scared to get back to a job. I have 8 years of work experience. I did pretty well and fullfilled some career aspirations that I had. Last year around this time I resigned. My father passed away. My sister got married. There was some house repair/shifting etc. The next three months I applied to aa basi yoga teacher course. I volunteered as a yoga teacher for some months at a weekend rehabilitation home for adolescent girls with slight epilepsy. During this year, I have had bouts of depression due to various stuff including this pain. I ve given many interviews which haven’t got through/I have not accepted due to some reasons.

So yeah now I am scared to apply due to my pain/depression.

I know it is the stress. I am meditating, yoga, helping around the house everyday. I try to study for my job interviews but I find it tough to maintain focus..

Basically my mental health and physical health is getting unpredictable by the day.

I just want to give myself a couple of more months time and develop a proper routine.

I have kind of stopped eating at.night, stopped sugars and so on. Maintaining this discipline is a little tough. I just hope the universe rewards me..pls pls pls. I need a break.

Thank you Anita.. I needed to read that now.

Lots of hugs to you. 🙂 Have a beautiful day