Chronic obligation to be 'nice' to others

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This topic has 11 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 9 years ago by Anonymous.

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November 15, 2015 at 10:51 pm #87620

Troy
Participant

I have recently been feeling a chronic obligation to be nice to other people – usually acquaintances or people like the person that serves you at the gym.

its annoying because I can hardly bother acknowledging this person but I feel like they are expecting me to so I feel super obliged to do something. But instead of a smooth process the whole encounter just feels awkward, and i end up over thinking simple things like when should I look up. Its super stupid and I hate it.

This seems to happen when I am in a sort of improvement mode or exam mode (which tend to happen at the same time). When I’m on holidays mode and going out all the time I rarely get these feelings.

I’m really sociable person, I work in retail and always feel fine greeting customers striking up convos. I go to heaps of music festivals and social events where I fly. But for some reason with people who are not random, and not my close friends I Just always feel uncomfortable, stifled, and just not natural.

This is really reactive, but I can’t help but constantly fall into this pattern. I try very hard to not do this (through regular meditation – and trying to tell myself to not be so nice, and not care what other people think, and to focus on my own moment to moment experience rather than thinking about what they might think. But even if I am focused on me- I feel really blank—- like I got nothing to say, often when I talk to people I’m close with, it takes me a few minutes to warm up. I wish I could just carry myself consistently and not have how I feel change through contexts and how the days gone, where my thoughts are who knows what else. But it just doesn’t feel consistent and stable at the moment.

Will appreciate any thoughts 🙂

November 15, 2015 at 10:58 pm #87621

Glenda
Participant

I’ll cut to the chase. Accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour, and these minor worries will disappear like magic!
God Bless you Troy!

November 16, 2015 at 6:00 am #87631

Anonymous
Guest

Dear troy:

I believe I know this feeling oh, so very well, this distressing awkwardness at the compulsion to be …nice, to smile when I don’t feel like smiling or when I don’t know if I feel like smiling. The.. fear at times (you didn’t describe this, but let me know if it applies to you) that another can tell I am thinking negatively about him or her, and “having to” cover up what I think with a smile and a pretense of sorts. When someone looks at me a little too long, I am thinking What are they waiting for? What am I supposed to do that I am not doing? And I get angry: what does he or she want from me? Am I doing something wrong? Did they “catch” me thinking or feeling something wrong?

And THIS is happening on my healing path, still. I believe as I am thinking about this anew, that it stems from me having been rejected and negatively criticized as often as I have been, as a child, for what I thought and felt. And having been told to be …. nice and to smile to people that my mother hated behind their back. She told me how bad those people were but acted extremely nice to them, generous. And then complained to me that they were taking advantage of her. She.. made me smile and act nice to them although I was raging inside.

Do you have a history of your own that will explain the compulsion to be nice? Anything?

anita

November 16, 2015 at 2:03 pm #87671

Saiisha
Participant

I like how you called it the “chronic obligation” to be nice to others Troy – the “disease to please” – the “need for approval”. There are lots of phrases for this condition because you’re not the only one who has it! We all do – we’ve been molded over thousands of years into the civilized society that we’ve created.

Reminds me of an old blog post I had written about this, if you’re interested: http://www.nestintheforest.com/mask-off/

November 18, 2015 at 4:10 am #87827

Troy
Participant

Anita-
You described it absolutely perfectly. My latest example was in Mcdonalds drive through I ordered 2 apple pies, but because I used paypass I didnt see that I only paid for 1. When I came back around to get a second one, my friend said, tell her that it was meant to be 2 (as she made the mistake). When I went to tell her I got this instictual feelign that it would make her feel uncomfortable that she stuffed up my order and made me come around twice so I was “sorry, it was meant to be two” and she replied “thats okay”. My friend sitting next to me just stared at me like what the %#@….why are you apologizing? It made me feel so unassertive ><.

In my history……I have always been a ‘nice’ person but its never been an issue. I think towards later high school, I started to simultanous work in customer service (Mcdonalds actually) where you constantly trying to be nice and smile and make the customer feel good. I never use to be into books I was typical kid who played games, skateboarded and saw friends. But in year 11, a girl I was dating read a lot so she got me into books. And I sortof started on a self-help book craze, where i wanted to continually improve myself and continually be better..maybe even 1 day the best. And this just compounded over time. I thought How can I make my customers the happiest (started innocently) Im like maybe they will prefer this tone. Maybe they like a bit more/less eye contact —- all things I did fine naturally started a process of over analysis. So I think it just compounded as a habit from here that im trying to unlearn? This is my best guess.

Id love to hear anyone have any strategies you have for moving past this kind of thing 🙂

Saiisha-
‘The disease to please’ – absolutely love this. It totally is a disease!
Im going to go check out your blog now 🙂

November 18, 2015 at 8:18 am #87835

Anonymous
Guest

Dear troy:

In High School, when you started getting into books, you got into a self help book craze as you called it. Why self help? Why do you think you chose this genre over any other? What part of you did you try to help (self HELP)?

* Dear Saiisha:

As I understand it, you believe in REINCARNATION. You believe that in me, as anita, there may be a soul of another person that lived before I was born, and I am carrying in me the life lesson unlearned of THAT person, is that correct? Can you clarify your beliefs on reincarnation? “Old souls” as you call it??? Do you believe in being reborn as other animals? Or as a plant? Or a … bacterium perhaps? And only through the purification of one’s life a person can stop being reincarnated, born again and again?

anita

November 18, 2015 at 5:14 pm #87870

Troy
Participant

Anita-
The girl I was dating was buy a book at the bookshop. I wasn’t into reading books….pretty standard for a lot of 17 year olds. So while she was looking I checked out the non-fiction sortof business/self-development kinda stuff. And Im like hey this stuff is cools so i bought a book. It wasn’t that i was coming from a frame of ‘I need to be better’, but rather ‘I can get ahead’ this stuff is really helpful and I just wanted to learn amore and more, it was a real interest. But these books send a message that you can always be doing more better etc one of the quotes was “In bed think about impossible things” – I’m like thats awesome. And over time, for simple situations I would go ‘how can i make the best use of my time and how can I get something out of X’. And I’m guessing that this mindset translated over to social things ‘ How can i have the best impact in this simple non-significant encounter. Hmm how can I make them feel better? whats going to be the smoothest interaction. And I really thought with practise anything was possible so I could become really good at these different things, which will help me in the future for business etc.

^ Im sure this is not the whole picture though. Im sure I got self-conscious at times for many things. I have always cared a lot about what people think of me such has not going out until I’m dressed the way i want to. But in lower high school and end of primary I got a lot of attention from girls and people in general.

It quite contextual. I can be super awkward for periods. Then other periods in summer I get a lot more comfortable and confident. And when I do army reserve training where there is a culture of ‘not trying’ literally if you tried to please someone it feels awkward. its just not about that. And in this environment I’m probably one of the most natural confident guys at army training. Then at other times I go to pay for petrol and feel like I have to be nice and acknowledge them with a smile or some eye contact before i leave even if I’m NOT in the mood. other times – that kind of shit never enter my mind. If I am with my close friends, just having them around gives me a lot of confident no matter what the environment and I feel a lot more confident than most people.

Its just so transient and changing. And because this happens, i over analyse it in my mind a lot (although I try not to and try to be present etc instead. Then sometimes i think but I have to think about it to solve it, then I got well its probably that I’m thinking is why its happening so then sometimes I start a ‘mindful’ dialogue that is a dialogue non-the less.

The only strategy I can think of is to try meditate more and work towards cutting the over thinking><

November 18, 2015 at 5:15 pm #87871
Troy
Participant
Saisha—–I usually don’t read peoples blogs because I already got 1000 books I want to read. But yours was awesome I actually read quite a few articles. Usually I force myself to read a good blog, because I think the info will be good. But yours drew me in. Extremely rare for me so well done. Keep up the awesome posts I’m going to read more!
- This reply was modified 9 years ago by Troy.
November 19, 2015 at 8:02 am #87904

Anonymous
Guest

Dear troy:

I just re-read all your posts on this thread and this is my understanding of what has been and is going on:

When you started reading self help books you were, over some time of reading, amazed at the potential of gaining personal power by manipulating people’s feelings, “making them” feel good, and how that could work for your benefit, in business life and with strangers. You didn’t think of manipulating close friends but strangers and business associates in the future.

This is a testimony, your posts here, to how self-help books can be UNHELPFUL.

So you were a healthy kid, emotionally, started reading these books, became fascinated by some of the principles there and started utilizing them. Utilizing the principles at the cost of your authenticity.

The solution is then to unlearn what you learned, that it is a … good idea to behave certain inauthentic ways so to bring about a certain result. Not a good idea. Focus on being authentic in the same situations that trigger your inauthenticity. Un-smile your face when the fake smile starts taking over your face… Stop yourself from apologizing when you did nothing wrong.

Come back to yourself in those contexts, and those circumstances where you learned, misguidedly, that it is a good idea to take a leave of yourself.

anita

November 21, 2015 at 8:36 pm #88079

Troy
Participant

Hi Anita-

That was an extremely powerful post your wrote for me there.

It actually left me speechless that someone else was so easily able to see this issue that I have been developed and have been maintaining.

I have always felt the sense that a lot of my ‘problems’ are not natural, but rather learned and maintained. But I never had it so clear in front of me.

Usually I think, okay I thought my way into this problem, now I’m going to think my way out of it. but the problem in the first place is too much thinking and not enough authenticity. So on a level I would go ‘stop thinking’ and maybe that will work for one day as I am very mindful. But as your mentioned because a lot of these responses like ‘smiling’ to be friendly rather than smiling because you ‘feel like being friendly, have become automatic, so to not think is to let these unhealthy habits and automatic responses play out.

So I guess my goal here is to:
1. Not to over analyse that which I already to authentically and naturally
2. Try to unlearn unhealthy patterns by: challenging inauthentic behavior and reactions.

THE PART WHERE I GET STUCK
Because I am studying psychology and just have an immense interest in these kinds of things, I have a passion for breaking things down. And in this process I often derive a lot of long term benefit. I feel like it goes in cycles though, at times the accumulation of my reflections on self, others, readings of psychology, neuroscience and all kinds of books even on spirituality contribute to a really strong foundation, to when I am in a really authentic emotionally spontaneous mind (usually in the summer holidays where i dont have to force myself to study everyday :P). However, other times, I am left in constant cycles of over analysis of everything that I cant seem to break out of.
–> The problem is that I simoultaneously value this intense analysis, and simoultaneously think that the greatest thing in life in that un-analysed flowing state of spontenoeity and integrated full experience. So currently it seems to go in cycles………so my emotional experience is very inconsistent as I become balanced and inbalanced between these two worlds.

Have you ever had any experience trying to reconcile two things like this.

I really appreciate your posts and the time your taking to chat about this 🙂

Troy

November 21, 2015 at 9:22 pm #88080

jock
Participant

those of us who study/like psychology tend to over analyse and think too much, losing our spontaneity. But I value insight. And that is Anita’s forte!

November 22, 2015 at 6:40 am #88087

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Jack:

Thank you. I wonder what came first, losing spontaneity or over analysing. I think losing spontaneity came first because when a person operates naturally according to emotions and thoughts, the two cognitions working harmoniously together, effectively, there is no reason or need to overly analyze. it is when we lose touch with our feeling-thinking selves we over analyze.

and i just did.
anita
Author

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