Dear Laycee:

This is an easy question for me to answer with full confidence: no, you were not wrong. It makes me think of this scenario: a child being beaten every hour of the day, from 6 am to 6 pm. Then at 6:05 the one doing the beating gets close to the child with the ever present whip and the child screams: DON’T!

And the one with the whip says: How dare you? How dare you speak to me in that tone? Didn’t I feed you today (in between the beatings)? You ungrateful, bad, rude child!”

And the child goes: “You beat me all day, but you are right, I don’t know if you were going to beat me up at 6:05 pm. And even if you were going to, maybe you had a good reason. After all I am a bad child. Otherwise I wouldn’t have screamed at you! I am so sorry. I had no excuse.

It is a long story that just came to my mind. But there is no limit to the distorted thinking NATURAL to a child who is mistreated. No limit to how much the child will take responsibility where he or she has none. And even when you are aware as you are of the abuse by your grandmother, a big enough part of you STILL take responsibility that is not yours.

All those many, many thousands of times that your grandmother was rude to you somehow evaporate the moment you are not PERFECTLY kind to her.

So, no you were not wrong. You would be wrong though if you have anything to do with your grandmother. No wonder your grandmother’s child (your mother or father) did or is still doing drugs. No wonder you came out of your childhood unwell.

Choose the right way. You don’t want to be wrong- get away from those (to use religious words since your grandmother and drug addicted father believe in god) – stay away from those demonic force, your grandmother!

anita

Dear Laycee:

Like you wrote, it is indeed IMPOSSIBLE to “never make any person upset.” But you are trying. And it is not working. Here is how you are trying in the very post above:

You first line is: “Anita, Your truly a great person! I read most of the posts and responses on here, and I am happy to say that you have helped me many times over.”

…. Then, you thought to yourself, I imagine, something like: “oh, oh, Inky must be reading this and she might be thinking: why, aren’t I great too? Didn’t I help Laycee too?

So you added: “You and Inky too”

…And then you thought something like: “oh, oh, what would everyone else on tiny buddha think? They will feel uncomfortable thinking: “What about us? Aren’t we great? Aren’t we helpful?

So you added: “and of course the rest of Tiny Buddha”.

And you proceed to explain to the rest of tiny buddha members why you mentioned only me and Inky to begin with, and not them as well: “you two (anita and Inky) are just more active.”

Now your first line was telling me that I, anita, am GREAT. In the last line of that first paragraph, you took it away from me. According to the last line I am not great, I am “just more active.”

This is what happened when you attempt the impossible, Laycee, you please no one. This is why it is so important for your well being to be authentic, to take the risk and express what you feel and think without having to augment and adjust so to please everyone. You end up pleasing no one.

Be true to yourself, Laycee. Place Laycee as THE important person in your life, not your grandmother, not ANYONE ELSE. You, Laycee. It is your comfort that is important. Every time you think about the discomfort of your grandmother, turn your attention to your own discomfort and what you can do to make yourself comfortable- not by trying to please her, but by being true to yourself.

anita

Dear Laycee:

“I don’t feel much… what would be the right thing to feel…should I be doing something for someone?”

You learned during your own childhood to push down your emotions, to neutralize yourself… you dissociated from your emotions because your survival felt dependent on PLEASING your impossible to please grandmother and avoiding her wrath. That was your focus and understandably so.

You have a son. You should focus on two people in your life: you and your son. NOT your mother. NOT your grandmother. This is very important- any focus you put on your mother or grandmother or anyone else TAKES AWAY from your focus on yourself and on your son. By focusing on your mother or grandmother, you are hurting you and your son- and that you shouldn’t do.

You are troubled by not feeling love for your mother. This should not be a concern. Your focus should be loving yourself and your son, not your mother. She made her choices and you repressed the love you did feel for her for a reason. Don’t try to resurrect those feelings for her. You repressing your love for her- which you did feel, I have no doubt- because of her behavior toward you. You not feeling love for her is a consequence of HER behavior. It is not an indication you are not a good person. So let your mother and grandmother suffer the consequences of THEIR actions and do not hurt your son, and yourself by trying to protect your mother and grandmother from the consequences of their behaviors. Your son is innocent now just as you have been innocent as a child.

Do not hurt the innocent, take away from the innocent in your misguided efforts to protect the guilty.

anita

Dear Laycee:

What happened to your son? This is so sad. What happened?

The other children are the bio children of you and your boyfriend? His bio?? How many?

My goodness, you really should not be concerned with the comfort level of your grandmother of all people, or your mother. Please post again…

anita

Dear Laycee:

It will probably be a good idea to explain one time for each new person that you mean a pet when you say son or child.

I like it that you and your boyfriend have pets and not human children.

Regarding Christmas, I hope you have a good time with your boyfriend and your kids! I hope you never try to please your bio family members again. And I hope you don’t try to have loving feelings for people who did all they could to squash those feelings in you. Love those who did not and do not hurt you. Such a simple concept, isn’t it- to love those who do not hurt you. It will end a lot of sickness if we stop trying to love and trying to please those who hurt us…

anita

Laycee
I want you to consider this.
Might it be possible, that your family has become poisoned by sin? By toxic evil?
I suggest you start a new life completely separate from them. I know you are young and this is hard, but I see a need in you for transformation. Turn away from these self-obsessed people who have no clue of what real love is. Find a new crowd of sincere hearts who know what “care” and “kindness” really mean. You need to be in a nurturing environment in order to sow healthy seeds in your own heart. So one day, you can be the kind of person someone can turn to, that you need now.
God bless.

* No, you, Jack, YOU welcome back! I know!
anita

Dear Jack:

I missed you. Not the same without you, so it is for me. Just the way it is.

Be here as often and for as long as there is a positive value for YOU being here. Your own well being is what matters the most.

anita