Wow. Checking in during a very interesting week. I’m sure many of you remember my posts about my now ex-boyfriend and the breakup that happened just 3 days ago. I must be doing something right, because instead of hurting… I’m calm, cool, collected and very relaxed. I also have this almost child-like curiosity about the whole thing. It’s like my mind is processing the million questions that I have at this point in an effort to seek to understand, so that I may be able to move on with my life in the most positive way possible and avoid mistakes in the future. It’s amazing… Especially since the time we broke up before this we were both completely sleep deprived for weeks and having serious anxiety attacks. I honestly have no idea how he is doing right now or what is going through his mind. I hope that he is okay. But it’s not for me to know, as we have a long way to go before we figure out if we can just be friends as we had both expressed an interest in being.

My mind is just spinning with questions though. It’s not like these are going to change anything…. though the questions popping into my mind are constant and unrelenting. Why could I never get him to leave the safety and comfort of his home to do things together just as a couple? Why did he avoid meeting me to talk when we broke up until he felt he had no other choice? (I had asked him to meet me then cut off contact). Is he really so detached that he feels like he can never love again? Is he afraid to connect with anyone again after losing what he thought was the perfect relationship (with another girl, one he had a stronger connection with than he knew was possible) a few years ago? How far would this have gone if I had been content to keep it casual? Did I make him happy? Did he truly make me happy? How will this work as friends if we are barely able to communicate? What happens next? How will his child react to all of this? Was this all about sex and not much more? Should I have put my foot down and told him that he needs to date me the last time around, rather than jumping back into a relationship? Why did he make me his girlfriend again if this wasn’t going anywhere? Was that supposed to be for my benefit or his? Why am I even questioning all of this?

Congratulations to the men reading these posts in the forum… for that right there is the female mind at work.

I’ve also been working on my own issues lately. I’ve been thinking about the type of people I tend to attract in life. Not the shallow, the soccer mom, the narcissist…

First group is the rare people that manage to gain a level of trust with me very quickly. I feel safe with these people very quickly… and tend to feel safer to withdraw into my own little world (I am a pisces after all… I could swim in my little fantasy world for months and be totally ok with that). I wish these people drew out more of my personality, but sadly I guess this is something I need to change in myself. These are the people I keep. That I feel bonded to on a level that I can’t communicate. People like him.

The second group is the people who do draw me out of my shell. I feel totally alive with these people, but I don’t tend to bond to them for long, as it seems to take a sociopath/someone really looking for something to gain something to do this. Every time I meet someone that pulls out the most of me, I end up hurt very badly in the end. Every time. My ex was the longest running second group I ever stayed with. As you can see, the experience scarred me for life. I met someone else like that just after my divorce… He turned into a stalker that threatened my life.

I wish I could open up more to group one. I really do. Because those are the people I cherish… but my emotions get the best of me, and I’m so afraid of losing them that I end up in a holding pattern with them… walking on eggshells. Paralyzed. Not knowing why or how to fix it.

I’m slowly figuring out what makes me tick and what I can do to change all of these patterns in myself. How to make it all come together. How to finally be the woman I really am… and get what I want out of life. If I had a dollar for every time someone said I am the perfect woman but they never fell in love with me… Geez. I’m seeking to understand so I may one day be understood and truly loved the way I need to be. Especially now, it’s springtime… I see all of these happy couples & people having babies & getting married… They have something I have never had. That thing. That love. They glow together. I want to glow too!

I’m meditating, practicing (beginner) yoga as I have time, focusing on work and spending time talking with friends about anything possible *other than* the breakup & the guy. I’m really trying here. It seems to be helping & my thought process is becoming clearer each day. Just call me the comeback kid. Hopefully this stays on the positive end and I don’t have a relapse. Of course… it is easier that we have not interacted since the breakup, except at work. Which is not in person. Thankfully. I’m great at separating work from my personal life.

Sheesh. Mind blown.