Cheating still not guilty

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This topic has 3 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 5 months ago by Kirsten.

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June 24, 2014 at 12:31 pm #59481

cold stone
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I am married for 8 years … we had a very rocky boat for the first 4 years.. things smoothened out but they are still in the back of my head .I don’t want him to be too close to his parents but he just doesnt seem to get off it he talks to his mom over seas 4 times a day.I know he will choose his parents over me any moment.
I got in to a relationship with a common family friend ..married man about an year ago.He pursued me he found me very attractive… as I always wanted a friend I got into it thinking that I have a friend but things took a sex hungry turn.I unwillingly got into it thinking this will keep it alive and he might change.All along I kept giving in thinking this will turn out into a lasting friendship. and he kept insisting that this will not end he wants a lasting relation.. I knew since the beginning it will and so was very hesitant to get in. Still I chose to listen him over my own head.

Now things have ended as he has this thing that the excitement has died.

I love my husband a lot and so does he .Still I am not feeling the guilt of cheating but a void .. I am feeling alone ….I am angry at myself for not listening to myself in the beginning that these kind of things dont last long.
I dont feel that I should have not done this.
These are very strange feelings
I want to stop missing him and move on.
Please help!

June 24, 2014 at 4:50 pm #59498

Dermot
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it sounds like this is a relationship you just should not be in…..imagine ten years down the road do you really think it would be a good relationship to be in if you had rocky times from day 1?

June 24, 2014 at 10:47 pm #59514

@Jasmine-3
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Thanks Dermot.

Hi Cold Stone

I am sorry that you find yourself in this state. What is your definition of love ? How can you still say that you love your husband despite your fling over the last 1 year ? Do you think your mind might be fooling you about your feelings and commitment towards hubby ?

You might not be able to understand the gravity of the situation at present moment as perhaps, your needs have not been met fully in your married life. But hey, what about hubby ? Is he doing the same thing ? How would you react if hubby was indeed doing the same thing ?

Anyways, I wish you all the best and hope you sort your life out.

Jasmine

June 25, 2014 at 1:11 am #59516

Kirsten
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Dear cold stone,

When we do ‘wrong’ action we bring about our own suffering

Towards the very end of his speech, the Dalai Lama says that when we cause the suffering of other beings and when we do not foster compassion for others inside of us we feel very very, alone; we wrap ourselves into a cocoon, isolated from others. Compassion for your husband;for the pain you know you have caused; will bring about happiness, love and compassion in yourself. Until you do this you will feel alone, isolated, cold. Guilt is not the antidote, but compassion and love for a being you have done wrong to will help bring you peace and happiness. We cannot do something harmful without it harming us.

While we all seek our own happiness and lack of suffering; we often step on and over other people in order to get it; but this brings disharmony and unhappiness. You feel alone because of your immoral actions here.I feel compassion for you that you were very probably suffering and this caused you to have an affair. But you cannot run from yourself, your life; this will only make you suffer more.

Until you develop compassion, love; then the lonely feelings (the result of your harmful action) will continue, you will not ever be happy ans peaceful.

Love to you and good luck on your journey, what we do can be made right by neutralising the suffering in ourselves and others, caused by wrong action; this can only be done through OTHER focus, love and compassion. By focusing on the other, our own suffering turns to peace. There is no other way; the self connects to the actions we commit against others.
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