I’m so sorry to hear of this. Cheating, for me, would always be a deal-breaker. It shows a lack of respect, selfishness, dishonesty. I also always think of the potential health/STD factor. The fact that you have children and she was willing to throw all that away for a fling of passion makes it worse. If I were in your shoes, I would go the route of divorce. You’ve already talked to her and it happened again. I don’t feel I would grant a third time for my spouse to make the same mistake.

As Anita said, your mental health has value too, especially as you move forward to parent the children. I would talk to your wife’s best friend (and the other person being cheated on) as well. Instead of a group situation where the two cheats hold the power to control the narrative, I would confront the best friend privately first to let her know what has happened, how long it’s been going on, etc. Then I would perhaps have a group meeting.

Dear nicolas:

You are welcome.

About #1, not wanting to lose your daughters, not wanting them to grow up with her because you figure that she cannot be a good mother having done what she did:

Notice that in your original post you wrote that your ten years of marriage “has been blissful… my wife had been a pillar of strength for me till now”. It felt blissful to you for much of those ten years and it felt like your wife was … an excellent mother for seven years, correct?

If she was an excellent wife before and is a terrible wife now, it doesn’t mean that she was an excellent mother before and is a terrible mother now. I think that your thinking goes to the extremes because of the emotional devastation you are experiencing.

I believe that you need time and some healing from this emotional devastation so to think correctly, that is,  to see reality as it is.

As to #2, not wanting to pay her alimony, that she doesn’t deserve that. Clearly you are angry and understandably so. This betrayal is fresh, the devastation you are experiencing is intense.

In this crisis situation I am rethinking my previous suggestion. I don’t think a group meeting is a good idea.

Instead, I think that you and your wife should be (if not already) sleeping in separate rooms and that you make an appointment with an experienced marriage counselor as soon as possible, an appointment for the two of you to attend together for the purpose of figuring out how to survive this very difficult time while moving toward a resolution.

Focus on your daughters having as much of a peaceful home as possible (no discussions or arguments with your wife in their presence, or anytime they may overhear such). Wait for the first counseling session and take it from there.

Divorcing, getting a good lawyer, all that, later.

Michelle’s advice to “confront the best friend (Mr. S’s wife) privately first to let her know what has happened” is excellent, and if there was a group meeting to be had, having it without talking to his wife first would have been a terrible idea. But again, I don’t think this is a good idea at this point to have a group meeting or to talk to Mr. S or to his wife, not at this point.

But do make sure Mr. S is not allowed inside your home.

I hope you post again, anytime you would like. Try to be as calm as you can be, taking it one hour, one day at a time, looking only at just what needs to be done next, not trying to figure out everything.

anita