Dear lostcloud:

I think that the best way to get to know a man is to look for certain things first: is he telling me the truth or is he lying to me, does he keep his word or break it, does he behave respectfully  toward me or is he abusive toward me?

If the answers to these questions are: he lies and/or he doesn’t keep his word, and/or he is abusive- then end the beginning relationship quickly, before it gets physically intimate. This way you don’t get confused by the glimpses of the child locked inside him.

Every cruel person has that child locked inside, including murderers in prisons. Scary, isn’t it?

Of course one’s childhood doesn’t excuse lying, breaking one’s word, disrespecting another, etc. This is why I suggest- end contact once you notice these behaviors.

My point is, distinguish between the two: the man he has become and the child locked in. Most of the time the child who  is locked in, is locked in for the rest of the person’s life. You can’t save that child and you can’t redo a person’s life so that he doesn’t become the man he has become.

I don’t know if I am explaining myself adequately, am I?

anita

Lostcloud – It is so strange that I should have happened upon your post this evening given what I was searching for.

I had the near-on exact same experience to you. Reading your story was like reading my own, give or take a few differences. So many things resonate and reading it has helped make more sense of my own story in a way that trying to understand my own hasn’t, for which I thank you.

So, in return, if it’s any help to you, here’s my two penny’s worth (which is also a pep talk to myself!):

Find strategies to stop your thoughts turning to him – and in turn bringing all your emotions up. It’s for him to figure out why he is the way he is, and for his current gf to find out herself that he’s a no good piece of crap. None of that serves you or helps you move on.

Believe me, I know it’s easier said than done. You have been wronged and hurt on a big scale and it’s difficult to move past that when your thoughts and emotions keep taking you back there, raking through the past and planting imaginary conversations and stories in your head.  I have said and felt the same things as you about my ex and his current gf (now wife! – whom I know he cheated on because there’s online evidence) and I’ve been trying to get him out of my head for more than a year now. And I feel like I’m finally making headway! I noticed how many times my thoughts take me back to him and it is literally 100s of times a day. Not of wanting him back (though even now there is still a tiny emotional pull that hopes he has finally realised that I am THE one) but reassessing what happened, imagining scenarios where we bump into each other, imagining how he’s now cheating on his wife – or how he’s not and maybe he’s finally changed his ways (and the emotional trauma of ‘why couldn’t he have figured that out for me’). When I notice this, I drown it out with one thought, repeated again and again until it stops. Mine is ‘I love myself’ – something else that I’ve figured out that I need learn to do following this whole episode.

Be prepared for him to keep trying to reenter your life – and have strategies that keep you strong so that you don’t cave because, your emotions will want you to and if he calls you in a weak moment then you’ll spend another few months getting back to where you are now. Last year my ex contacted me and asked if I wanted him back, in the next breath he told me he was getting married. Classic manipulative behaviour, trying to see if he could still pull me in. And tonight, the reason I came upon your story, he called me out of the blue for the first time in 6 months. I didn’t answer but still he is able to kick start my anxiety. I don’t want to spend the whole weekend wondering ‘what does he want’ and playing all the possible scenarios out in my mind. So I was looking on TinyBuddha for tools or advice that would help me delve into the anxiety and deal with it once and for all.

As others have said, use this as an opportunity to look into yourself. I’ve been seeing a counsellor for sometime now and I’m discovering so many things about myself that have provided a lot of insight into why I stayed in such an emotionally abusive relationship for so long and allowed someone to treat me so badly. I hate to say it, but yes, some of it does stem from my childhood and I also had a very happy and secure upbringing. It has also helped me by showing me that my ex was a symptom of that, which helps push back the importance or impact of him on my life, if that makes sense (?) I can’t think of a better way to describe it just now.  Counselling has also highlighted my lack of self-esteem and self-love, which was compounded by my experience with my ex. By building my self-esteem and self-love, I’m starting to put clear boundaries in place that will make sure no-one is ever able to treat me like he did again.

You are not stupid. As others have said, emotions lead us into situations we would never normally have dreamed we’d accept, especially when our emotions are manipulated. My ex had two children with two different women while we were ‘on breaks’, one of whom he was seeing behind my back for quite some time. Of course, I didn’t find out about them until later, but when I did, I still stayed (can you believe!!). Yeah, I haven’t quite managed to stop feeling like a prize idiot on that one yet but I am starting to forgive myself. After all, as I’m now learning, I didn’t really have the tools, self-esteem or emotional strength to see it for what it was at the time. And even if (and I know this having gone back many many times), this isn’t the last time you walk away from ‘Dan’, don’t beat yourself up too much. Sometimes life just keeps banging you on the head harder and harder until you take notice or have the strength to.

Anyway, sorry, that’s a little longer than I intended. Thank you. This has been really cathartic for me. I hope it’s useful in some way for you. While you never wish the same pain you have felt on others, it is always reassuring you aren’t alone.

LBx

Dear lostcloud:

Most likely it impacts him, being deemed too told for the sport, as well as being redundant. It lowers his already low self esteem. Is that the opinion you wanted?

anita

Dear lostcloud:

Do you want to understand him better, now, at this point, that is understand what motivated him all along, what motivates him now?

If you do- I had a thought a little while ago: seems like he didn’t value you and he doesn’t value his current girlfriend. I think that he is looking for something in a woman that he can’t find. That he will not be able to find, therefore he dismisses the women in his life, does not commit, is not content, and he keeps looking. Sure, the mating instinct plays a part, but there is something else, beyond the need or want to have sex.

I wonder what it is that he is looking for. Do you know?

anita

Dear lostcloud:

Learning about people is not wasted time, the more we learn about others the more we understand ourselves. I will be away from the computer for about ten hours. If you want to learn more about him, you can tell me anything and everything that he told you about his mother, about his father, about his childhood at home and at school,  having been bullied and so forth.

What his mother told you doesn’t matter, it is likely to distort understanding of what really happened. All that matters is what he told you and what you observed when spending time in his home: who said/did what, as objectively as you can.

anita

Thank you lostcloud, my comrade in arms 😉 You’re so right, I’ve found this (TinyBuddha, forum, sharing) all so incredibly valuable. It has cemented a lot of things in my head and I’m feeling pretty good right now!

You know, putting aside from the fact that he’s still trying to contact me for now, I found the fact my ex got married quite freeing. There was obviously a little bit of my ego crying ‘why couldn’t he have figured it all out for me’ but then I realised what it meant, I was free. There is no way that he is able to swan back in my life ever again. He is now legally someone else problem. I went back so many times over 8 years that it was a well known and lived cycle in our relationship. Yes, I finally completely broke the cycle long before his wedding but this was its death knoll for me. I do hope he has changed; his wife looks like a nice person, but 1, it’s unlikely and 2, not my problem anymore! I am now completely focused on putting me and my healing first. And I’m surprised and pleased that it’s clearly working. I am not dwelling on his call and all the possible reasons for it (albeit that I’m on this forum talking about it 😉 ). Small battles will win the war!

I like your mantra. I’d love to hear how it works for you. I also gave my thoughts a little pep talk before I started doing it – ‘I know I was hurt, and at one time I needed you (my thoughts) to go where you often do, but you don’t serve me any more so, with the greatest of respect, when I notice you coming back again, I’m going to stick my fingers in my ears’. It brought a little lightness to the process for me too.

That fate has tried to tell you about his behaviour for a long time completely resonates. I wilfully ignored every single warning – and there were countless warnings. Each time my gut that told me something didn’t sit right but I listened to him and not my gut. Another major lesson in itself – to learn to start trusting my instincts again and put me and my needs first above empty promises and words just because my emotions wanted them to be true.

Re trying to understand why he does what he does, it is of course valuable to learn about people. But make sure you put yourself and your healing first. The mind has an uncanny way of hiding its real motives and cheating you into doing its bidding. In my case, going back to the emotional (in)security of the past, which almost became like a drug.

My ex was abandoned by his mum as a small child and brought up by his step mum. When we were together he fought so hard to gain his real mum’s attention and affection, and never succeeded. The way he treats women is a reflection of this. I wonder if  ‘Dan’ might have some similar underlying issues since you mentioned his mum expected him to look after her and his dad in their old age and he seemed to unquestioningly accept this was his role. Of course, it’s far more complex as he was also the apple of her eye. She was a strong matriarchal woman and he felt the need to please her (no questions asked re looking after them), did the fact that she only called him a ‘silly boy’ for cheating mean it was ok for him to do so? It’s hardly more than a rap over the knuckles. Had she responded more strongly would he have thought it wasn’t ok? Just some thoughts.

Thank you again for your story, your response and opening me to the power of sharing. Stay strong and true to you.

LBx