Cheated on my Ex, Feeling like I Don't Deserve my Boyfriend

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This topic has 20 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 10 months ago by TriangleSun.

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December 31, 2015 at 1:21 pm #91052

Anonymous
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Please ignore the last two lines.

December 31, 2015 at 1:38 pm #91061

Emily
Participant

My mother noticed that something was wrong. She never liked this girl, and always thought she was a b—-. However, I always brushed it off to my mother, not wanting to create more problems for myself. I wanted to tell my parents, but I knew they would tell me to stop talking to this girl, which I knew would cause her to retaliate. As much as I felt afraid during the “friendship”, I was even more afraid of how she would react if I cut ties with her. I realize now that many of my thoughts and fears about the situation were immature, but we had a lot of mutual friends, and I was afraid she would manipulate them all into hating me (again, I was not very popular, so what few friends I had at the time meant a lot to me). Then again, she threatened to do that all the time, so there would likely have been little harm in ending the friendship long before I actually did, but fear is a powerful deterrent.

December 31, 2015 at 1:47 pm #91063

Anonymous
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Dear Emily:

Your mother referred to that “friend” as a b-. Did your mother use the b- word otherwise? Tell me more about how your mother talked to you, the ways she was loving to you… and tell me about times she was not so loving, times she took a break from being loving… after all no one is loving all the time. What was it when she was not so loving?

anita

December 31, 2015 at 2:06 pm #91064

Emily
Participant

My mother would occasionally use that word when she was upset or angry, though she didn’t use it on a regular basis. As I’m still obsessing over my current dilemma, I’m finding it difficult to remember anything else in great detail. My mother always supported my interests, even if she didn’t share them. She always praised me for working hard in school and told me (and other people) how intelligent I was. Whenever I told her I wanted to be something when I grew up (like many children, this changed a few times until I went to college), she supported me and told me that I would be good at it, regardless of what it was. We used to plant flowers together every spring, back when I was living with my parents. She took care of me when I was sick, held my hand when I had to get shots at the doctor’s, did everything she could to give me a happy childhood. My father was the same, and even though he doesn’t show his emotions as much as my mother does, I have never doubted that he loves me.

When I was younger, though, my mother did have a quick temper. She never hit me or anything like that, but if I did something I wasn’t supposed to (even if it was an accident, like spilling a drink on the carpet or dropping a dish and breaking it), her first reaction was to yell and send me to my room. She always apologized for yelling after she calmed down, but I remember feeling fear every time she yelled, and for a long time, even after she grew calmer over the years, whenever she would so much as speak loudly I would say, “Please stop yelling” even if she wasn’t yelling. In contrast, my father was always been very calm, and I think the only time he yelled was when I once broke a pair of glasses.

December 31, 2015 at 2:30 pm #91068

Anonymous
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Dear Emily:

It doesn’t take much to spook a child. Parents do not realize how little it takes to scare a child. Yelling doesn’t sound like much to some people: oh, your mother didn’t beat you up! You are so lucky, some may say. Or … well, she apologized after yelling at you, she is a good person. And she may very well be. You describe loving behaviors. Unfortunately, there is no denying her quick temper scared you enough to injure you. This is why the fear remained over the years, the “please stop yelling:” even if she is not yelling.

Her yelling- and whatever else is included in her quick temper of the past- unfortunately scared you enough that when you got involved with the “friend” at 13- 20, you were too AFRAID to deal with it successfully, too overwhelmed by your per-existing fear.

You wrote that you suffer from severe anxiety. And you believe that you are not deserving of love. These two problems are serious enough for you to attend good-enough therapy. Whatever you attended was not long enough or good enough, or both.

I am thinking, at this point, it doesn’t matter that much, if you tell your boyfriend that you cheated on your first boyfriend. Whatever you share with him, share with honesty, tell him everything, that is the fact that you didn’t really like your boyfriend but you stayed with him anyway… and why you did, and how you don’t believe you deserve love. And as you tell him, take responsibility for your feelings, do not expect him to fix it. He cannot make your distress go away. He can only help.

I wouldn’t still tell him that particular detail for the reasons I mentioned, but it doesn’t matter that much. Notice: you don’t need to give him the chance to leave you, as you mentioned, he always has the choice to do so. When you share with him, do it with an air of some self respect. For example: “I am afraid…” ” I feel that I am not good enough…” and not: “I am disgusting…” ” I am despicable” These are examples.

If he is a decent guy, he will help you just by being empathetic. He may even love you more for your trust in him, for being vulnerable and open and honest with him. He may feel comfortable to share with you his challenges. You will be surprised that … he is not all together either. Be prepared for that likely possibility and then, you can help each other.

You… will be surprised, but you may turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to your boyfriend: his opportunity to be as true about himself as you are going to be true to him about yourself.

Maybe, then, I am augmenting my advice: if you share with him ANYTHING at all in a way that does not put the burden on him to take away your distress, to make it all good, if you are able to allow him to be himself and share his own trouble… then maybe anything at all that you share with him is okay.

If you need more of my input, please post again.
anita

December 31, 2015 at 4:26 pm #91078

TriangleSun
Participant

I think of it this way, if you understand that you made a mistake in the past, learned from it and understand that you shouldn’t repeat it that is all that matters. I’d only bring up the past if it has direct impact on your present. If it doesn’t, there is no need to stir things up.
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