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Cheated on, dumped and heartbroken

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  • May 6, 2015 at 5:35 am #76224
    Lesley
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    I’m new to this site and my first time ever posting anything like this before. Suppose I think that it might help if anyone can offer me some advice and it might be therapeutic to get it off my chest (even if it is just typing it out!). I’m 30 and have just broken up with my ex, we were together for only 6 months but I really thought I had found the one. I’ve a history of bad and short relationships and this person I felt completely comfortable and happy with like never before. He had just come out of a year relationship where he lived with his ex and then met me 3 weeks later. I was skeptic at the beginning, telling him it was too soon and he should be single but he convinced me that his relationship was over months before they broke up, he had actually wanted to break up with her 6 months previous and so I went in head first. I now know, regardless if the relationship was over with her, he needed time to adjust and not dive into something else so soon.

    So anyway, 4 months into the relationship, he slept with someone else while I was at home sick. He told me 3 weeks later saying it had been killing him, he had never cheated on anyone before (he had told me this before he did anything and I believe him, he was just a passing conversation). I forgave him as I was (am) completely crazy about him. But things just didn’t work, he became distant as if I did something wrong but after I said this to him, he begged for my forgiveness for behaving the way he was and he would change everything. Yet when we had an argument a week later, and he became distant again, I said a relationship shouldn’t be like this and we should let things lie. He agreed saying that he just didn’t want to be in a relationship and that he really cared for me and was the happiest he’d ever been with a girl but after what he did, he couldn’t get past it. I know that if he hadn’t of done what he did, we would still be together and I’m just so sad that this thing has happened.

    I know there’s no going back now but I’m so upset, lost, heartbroken. I miss him so much, I honestly feel like I’ll never get over him, I was the happiest I’ve been with anyone and in such a long time. I feel like I’ll never feel that way again and I’m also scared I’ll never trust a man again, I could of sworn on my heart that he’s never cheat after all he had told me before.

    Anyway I know it will take time, I’m not the first person to be cheated on and we were only going out for a short period but it still hurts like hell so suppose thought it might help getting some words down as I don’t want to burden my friends with this. And sometimes strangers advice can be more objective so any advice would be appreciated or similar stories!

    Thanks for reading, sorry it’s so long! 🙂

    May 6, 2015 at 6:07 pm #76307
    Pakros
    Participant

    Hi Lesley,
    Firstly thanks for sharing. Secondly I’ve never been in your situation.

    There are a couple of things though i wanted to chime in on. The main thing is we don’t know what we don’t know, as in if the event hasn’t transpired we can’t say for certain what will come to pass, we can only assume. I have this habit too and am only starting to be aware of the stories i spin to myself to justify feeling a certain way. Don’t fall for that style of thinking (easier said than done right?)

    It honestly sounds like he hasn’t forgiven himself, and just writing that down i’m seeing some advice i can follow myself relating to another post i made earlier!

    I’m currently seeing some one who has been in your situation, and she is telling me very similar things, “want to love again but after being hurt like that not sure if she can”. This relationship has been a huge opportunity for growth in myself and for her. Patience is key, so for every emotional obstacle we come across there is a huge opportunity for growth, and that should excite you. For me it’s like going to the gym and working out a weak muscle, the weaker the muscle, the more i stand to gain from training it.

    I’m your age, and one thing i’ve learned is that if you feel a certain way for a particular person, don’t for a second doubt you can’t find that again.

    A lot of the happiness you found in that relationship was sourced from you. So you should be happy you felt that way, because going back to what i said initially, you were happy, you can be happy again, it happened, so you know it can happen again.

    Accept what you’re feeling, let go, make sure you’re not harboring any guilt because the reality is he cheated on you. People deserve better than that. Time will help, and realize that there are billions of other men out there, and you can find something better and completely different as long as don’t close your heart. For now focus on you, doing the things that make you happy, laugh with your friends, go dancing, and before you know it things will be amazing 😀

    Best of luck 🙂

    -P

    May 11, 2015 at 10:47 am #76593
    Pallas
    Participant

    Hi Lesley,
    Reading your story is very similar to looking at my own!,, I’m 33 a lot of failed relationships and met a guy that I thought was very honest and just loved spending time with him. I thought he felt the same!, since we met we spent every weekend together and most days during the week. We lived about an hour apart and for the last month he partly moved in with me when his lease was up. He seemed though when looking at his oast to jump from relationship to relationship .. And did seem to be someone who falls easily .. However not for me it seems! I found out mid March that he had been cheating on me for a month! He hadn’t slept with the girl but had met her out kissed her and messaged and met her twice over the month. And looking at the messages if she had been more opened to it Id say there would have been more!
    I kicked him out and was devastated ,,, wanted answers and so let a few weeks of long emails back and forth. He said the passion was gone In our relationship due to my constant dragging up off his past and over thinking, which I am aware I do! But nothing drives someone to cheat! He should have walked away. Anyhow I eventually tried to give it another go.. Lasted a couple off weeks it destroyed me, I needed a break,,, told him this and he agreed,,, while on our break after two days he met a girl who he seems to have fallen for! Told me our relationship was too damaged and he didn’t and wouldn’t love me! It was soul destroying to hear, after five weeks off him promising the sun moon and stars to turn around and do this.
    So same as you Im worried I’ll never trust again. It’s still relatively raw… Has only been a few weeks ,, but I compare everything to him. I saw my future with this guy.. And now I’m just broken over it. I keep wondering what iff… I feel I wasnt myself with my insecurities and I did drive him away… But then I think off him texting another girl for a full month..while lying beside me every night. I just wish so much that none of it ever happened, but it hurts me so much that he can just move on so easily!
    Just wanted to share! This website has been amazing for me… And has helped so much.
    Chin up Lesley…. At the end off the day everybody deserves someone who is mad about them and would do anything to be with that person! Hopefully some day we’ll both find it!

    May 11, 2015 at 2:02 pm #76625
    Lesley
    Participant

    Hi guys,

    Thanks so much for your input, it has helped a lot!

    Pakros, I really like what you said ‘A lot of the happiness you found in that relationship was sourced from you. So you should be happy you felt that way, because going back to what i said initially, you were happy, you can be happy again, it happened, so you know it can happen again.’ That striked a cord for me, you are right, it doesn’t feel like that though, I just feel empty right now but I know in time it will ease. I’ve been trying to keep busy but the pain is always there, nothing I do seems to ease it but I’ll just have to take it day by day. But really thank you for your kind words.

    Pallas thanks for sharing your story, I’m really sorry this has happened to you too but it did make me feel better that there’s someone else out there going through the same thing (well I’m sure thousands are!). I talk to my friends about it but it’s hard for them to understand and I don’t want to burden them too much either but they have been great. I’m making plans, keeping busy but it’s always there in the back of my mind and like you keep thinking what if… this person was also in my future and it’s so hard them not being there anymore, I miss him so much and at the moment I’m blinded by the person I thought he was and not the reality. Who wants to be with a person that cheats on them… But when it was good, it was great, I’m trying to redirect my thoughts when I remember the good stuff but damn it’s hard!Anyway it’s just something that we’ll have to deal with, life can be the pits sometimes but I do understand what you’re going through and you’re right, this site is a great help. We’ll just have to take this as a lesson and an experience we can learn from. If you ever need to chat or vent or anything, just pop me an e-mail and thanks again for sharing 🙂

    May 12, 2015 at 7:01 am #76660
    Pallas
    Participant

    Hi Lesley,
    Im glad its made you feel a bit better, same with me!! its good to know that we are not the only ones going through this. Its just so hard to get over it all..and I know it will just take time. I just get mad at myself for only imagining myself happy with him. We had been together for five months, dating to begin with but spending all our time together. as i said we lived in different cities about an hour apart, but he would message and try plan the weekend and be like thats great we have plans sorted. he’d come stay with me for the three nights over the weekend..introduce me to his work collegues as his other half. We then properly spoke about being in a relationship just before Christmas, I left for two weeks for Christmas. He tried to even buy me a different plane ticket back to we could spend new years together. January was amazing..we literally spent only a couple of nights apart, he moved in by end of January and about two weeks later is when he started cheating.. I only found out in March. But I knew there as something up. My gut told me. I asked him plenty of times..but he would just say it was work,,he was tired. I’ll never understand how he could keep spending time with me telling me how happy he was just to be messaging someone else and cheating!! And then to spend a full month after getting caught trying to make things right… just to turn around and tell me he met a girl in a bar and knew straight away it was something amazing!! im actually cringing writing all this!! why am i still pining after him!!! its crazy!!!!!! lol!!!! I still miss what we had, but i need to keep reminding myself he is a liar and a cheat and we didnt really have what I thought!!! I just will never understand why anyone would deliberately betray who they are with. what is the point! And then to say i was the one who pushed him away… he never blamed me for cheating but said my constand questioning and looking at his past pushed him away and he couldnt love me!! how to kick someone when they are down!!!
    But ya, same as you…trying hard to redirect my thoughts when i think off the good stuff!! have stopped myself checking his whatsapp to see when he was online!! all i was doing was imagining who he was messaging!!!
    It just sucks that this has had to happen to us doesnt it!!! why cant people just be honest and upfront!!!
    same to you though if you ever need to vent or chat!! drop me a line !! 🙂

    May 12, 2015 at 3:25 pm #76695
    Lesley
    Participant

    Hey Pallas,

    I’m glad my woeful tale is helping you somewhat aswell, I wish we could meet up in person and be all heartbroken together and curse men forever! lol

    Your story is so similar to mine, like you we spent all our free time together. I’m in college and working and so never really had anytime to see him during the week so it would be weekends we would see each other. However, I could of made time for him during the week but I didn’t and it’s a very big regret for me. I took a back seat and let him do all the work so to speak, he would always initiate contact, ask what we were doing, offering to come over etc I was so use to chasing men that I decided this time I was going to change my approach as things never went my way before. I’m not saying that I was cold towards him or anything like that, the opposite but I could of been more available and it’s a lesson I’ll take from this. The weekend he cheated, I hadn’t seen him in nearly 3 weeks, I spent one weekend studying and the next I was due to go visit a friend but had to cancel as I was sick. When I told him I had to cancel my trip, he offered to come over and look after me but I said no as I was too ill and he went out and did what he did (said he was really drunk and sad etc) but he didn’t use that as an excuse. I replay that conversation so much in my mind, why didn’t I just say yes!! Things would be so different, no point thinking like that but it can’t be helped at the moment.

    I did forgive him because I do believe he’s a good person and people screw up sometimes, we’re all human. He actually broke up with me before he told me, I was so confused, things had be perfect, it made no sense… we got back together the next day, he said his head was a mess and other stuff and over reacted as we had had a fight the week before. The next day I got a text saying he wasn’t man enough to tell me last night and admitted what he did, I actually felt better as crazy as that sounds, it was just that everything made sense then. But he couldn’t handle the guilt anyway and had to tell me. I really tried to make it work cause he’s been the first person in a long long time that I’ve felt that way about. Since we met, we’ve spoken every single day and I think I miss that the most, I just miss talking to him. Whenever I think about him, my stomach does a flip, the nights are the hardest when I’m alone, it’s not too bad during the day but it’s always there and it honestly feels like I’ll never get over it and nobody will ever compare to him. I remember thinking how lucky I was to find this man and things were finally starting to go my way but I think somewhere in the back of my mind, I kept thinking, this is too good to be true… and it was, maybe I made it happen somehow with that kind of thinking. But yeah I really tired but he became distant and when I confronted him, he begged me not to leave him & said he would change everything so I stayed and then he went cold again and so I ended it but it was mutual really. He said after what he did, his head wasn’t in the relationship anymore. We parted on good terms, although he didn’t deserve that but I did nothing wrong and wanted to walk away gracefully with a smile on my face (although dying inside!!)

    Anyway sorry for the rambling! So I’m just a little confused with your story, the girl he was cheating on you with, was that the same girl he met in the bar or someone else? Why would he tell you that? I think that’s really bad form, he could of said a million other things but you’re right, that’s just rubbing salt into the wound, there was no need for that. Men can be such idiots sometimes, I honestly don’t know if they have any clue of what they are doing! To me, it sounds like he got scared of the commitment after moving in with you while his lease was up. I don’t know him but from what you’ve said, it does sound like it got too much for him maybe. I could be completely wrong now and he’s just another ass where the grass is greener on the other side. It makes me feel better when I think that they’re going to regret their decision very much whether it be sooner or latter. My ex had told me numerous times how I was the best girlfriend he had ever been with and how he was the happiest he’s ever been in a relationship and I do believe that. So to make myself feel better, I tell myself that he’s kicking himself over what he’s ruined and I’m sure yours will too. You don’t know what you have until it’s gone and it’s so true so keep telling yourself that. We did absolutely nothing wrong, it’s not a reflection on us but on them and we do deserve better than that. It’s really hard for us to see that at the moment as it’s still very raw but I hope in time he’ll eventually fade but I think it’s going to take quite some time (picture a skeleton sitting on a bench!!) 🙂 I hope some of this helps you, big hug to you xx

    May 16, 2015 at 12:21 pm #76874
    Pallas
    Participant

    Hi Lesley,
    Its funny how you say you regret not spending more time with him during the week, my regret is the opposite!! i think i spent too much time with my ex!! and that just took the spontaneity out off things… lol! it shows we did nothing wrong!!!

    My ex spent over a month apologising after getting caught and telling me that it was almost a good thing now that everything was out on the table and we could move forward! (he had said that my constant questioning over his past made him lose the passion and spark for us..and he lost the passion for the sex!! hence when someone came up and showd him interest he took it!! RUBBISH i realise now!! ) anyhow… it was hard but i tried to get back and just got upset so after a week or so i asked for a break (couldnt forget what he did, even though it was amazing between us i couldnt stop thinking about it).
    I took a couple of days and i messaged him..he was out and asked me to come up to see him… he really missed me … i said no … i still needed time..and guess what ..he met the woman off his dreams about an hour later!! its kinda laughable!
    now i did the same.. questioned myself if i had gone to meet him would it all be ok… but it wouldnt.. if a guy can cheat a guy can cheat!! they are going to do it at some stage when the going gets tough!! and the fact that he just met someone one at a bar and could throw away us after begging for forgiveness after cheating just shows how weak he was!
    so no the girl he cheated with hes never seen again, i think she knew in the end to be honest!! I seen all the messages and she lost interest in him.. i think she looked up facebook and realised he was going out with someone!

    I am the same as you though.. i gave him a chance because i think well people make mistakes. but i just couldnt accept it, a full month of chasing another girl is not just one mistake!!! and even after what he did to me after it all, running after me just to dump me again, i still find myself missing what we had!
    same as you..missing having someone to text.. sit and watch movies and drink wine with! and the most hurtful thing is I know he has moved on and is dating people.. (the girl he met in the bar just before he told me it was defo all over was just on holidays!! but he had the neck to say she wasnt just a randomer, that they both knew it was something special!! )

    I have gone on a few dates.. but just find myself comparing everyone to him!! which is completely ridiculous!

    Its funny I was the exact same as you..i couldnt believe i had met someone like him and that id finally put all the crappy relationships behind me. but i think behind it all i thought it was too good to be true..and i think thats why i really dug at his past ( he was divorced after seven years marraige..and hopped straighed into a three year on/off relationship with a girl and inbetween that had a six month relationship with another girl!! then a three month thing with a girl who he told me he loved but she left him..then me!! god writing that down it just looks crazy!!! i should have ran really!!! lol!!!)

    its great writing all this as reading it i realise how ridiculous it is!! and how manipulative he was!! everyone that knew him loved him…said how much he cared for me.. he had us all fooled!!!!
    Ya i think the moving in was too much for him..although it was only meant to be for a month or two till he sorted a place out.. its no excuse though..he should have just walked away.
    Your definitely right though..its no reflection on us. I think certain people are capable of doing things like that, it just shows a complete lack of respect and not a nice character behind it all.
    Reading your messages help so much!! thank you..hope mine do too!!!!
    I read a really good article earlier… you should read it

    http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/a3644/in-praise-of-dumping-a-cheater/

    xxxx

    May 16, 2015 at 12:22 pm #76875
    Pallas
    Participant

    Hi Lesley,
    Its funny how you say you regret not spending more time with him during the week, my regret is the opposite!! i think i spent too much time with my ex!! and that just took the spontaneity out off things… lol! it shows we did nothing wrong!!!

    My ex spent over a month apologising after getting caught and telling me that it was almost a good thing now that everything was out on the table and we could move forward! (he had said that my constant questioning over his past made him lose the passion and spark for us..and he lost the passion for the sex!! hence when someone came up and showd him interest he took it!! RUBBISH i realise now!! ) anyhow… it was hard but i tried to get back and just got upset so after a week or so i asked for a break (couldnt forget what he did, even though it was amazing between us i couldnt stop thinking about it).
    I took a couple of days and i messaged him..he was out and asked me to come up to see him… he really missed me … i said no … i still needed time..and guess what ..he met the woman off his dreams about an hour later!! its kinda laughable!
    now i did the same.. questioned myself if i had gone to meet him would it all be ok… but it wouldnt.. if a guy can cheat a guy can cheat!! they are going to do it at some stage when the going gets tough!! and the fact that he just met someone one at a bar and could throw away us after begging for forgiveness after cheating just shows how weak he was!
    so no the girl he cheated with hes never seen again, i think she knew in the end to be honest!! I seen all the messages and she lost interest in him.. i think she looked up facebook and realised he was going out with someone!

    I am the same as you though.. i gave him a chance because i think well people make mistakes. but i just couldnt accept it, a full month of chasing another girl is not just one mistake!!! and even after what he did to me after it all, running after me just to dump me again, i still find myself missing what we had!
    same as you..missing having someone to text.. sit and watch movies and drink wine with! and the most hurtful thing is I know he has moved on and is dating people.. (the girl he met in the bar just before he told me it was defo all over was just on holidays!! but he had the neck to say she wasnt just a randomer, that they both knew it was something special!! )

    I have gone on a few dates.. but just find myself comparing everyone to him!! which is completely ridiculous!

    Its funny I was the exact same as you..i couldnt believe i had met someone like him and that id finally put all the crappy relationships behind me. but i think behind it all i thought it was too good to be true..and i think thats why i really dug at his past ( he was divorced after seven years marraige..and hopped straighed into a three year on/off relationship with a girl and inbetween that had a six month relationship with another girl!! then a three month thing with a girl who he told me he loved but she left him..then me!! god writing that down it just looks crazy!!! i should have ran really!!! lol!!!)

    its great writing all this as reading it i realise how ridiculous it is!! and how manipulative he was!! everyone that knew him loved him…said how much he cared for me.. he had us all fooled!!!!
    Ya i think the moving in was too much for him..although it was only meant to be for a month or two till he sorted a place out.. its no excuse though..he should have just walked away.
    Your definitely right though..its no reflection on us. I think certain people are capable of doing things like that, it just shows a complete lack of respect and not a nice character behind it all.
    Reading your messages help so much!! thank you..hope mine do too!!!!
    I read a really good article earlier… you should read it

    http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/a3644/in-praise-of-dumping-a-cheater/

    xxxx

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