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Cheated on, and Looking for Answers

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  • September 3, 2016 at 9:21 am #114115
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear spence99:

    You wrote: “she left the country with her sister to go to a foreign country, where they were staying at this guys summer cabin with him there… basically her parents said that they could go on a senior trip wherever they like and this guy had a cabin and offered them housing and a guide for the country(himself).”

    This is peculiar to me, did I understand correctly: that high school boy has a cabin in a foreign country and she and her sister, two not-yet-adult young women spent three weeks in that cabin, with the high school guy and with permission from the parents of the sisters?

    anita

    September 3, 2016 at 1:46 pm #114136
    Spencer
    Participant

    So yes they had permission to go without there parents and stay there with him, I believe his father was there. His father was deported for some reason and so had to stay in the country and so he lived in the cabin. Her sister is actually a year older and was 18, and she brought her boyfriend. And the sister I was with actually kinda invited me to go, but I could tell the guy didn’t want me there and then I just never heard back on if he was okay with me going. Trust me I never thought the whole trip was a good idea but I couldn’t stop her from going.

    September 3, 2016 at 1:55 pm #114137
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear spence99:

    I am thinking it is irresponsible of her parents to allow such a thing, my goodness! One girl 18 and the other younger, staying with a grown man and a teenage boy. This is not an irrelevant point, as I see it, to your predicament. I am thinking your now ex girlfriend may be troubled by lack of good guidance by her parents.

    Who knows what they had in mind, allowing such a visit and what their parenting is otherwise about.

    You asked: “My question is what do you think I should do to get her back?” Maybe if you open a conversation about her home trouble, her troubles with her parents- which I assume she has. Whether she is willing to talk about those problems, I don’t know. But if she is willing, this may be a way for her to bond to you, feeling that you listen to her and understand her.

    So if and when you talk to her, I would- if I was you- ask her what she feels about her parents allowing (or suggesting!) this visit, listen attentively to her answer, gently asking more questions, make it possible for her to open up to you. When a young person has a safe and supportive person in their life where they can be known, heard, validated, understood- that is a powerful connection.

    Post again, anytime.

    anita

    September 3, 2016 at 2:09 pm #114140
    Tracey
    Participant

    Hello Spencer
    I know break ups are hard, we’ve all been through them but you have to respect her decision, you can’t decide for her.

    Many years ago after a break up i swooned and followed a guy for many many months, i only ended up hurting myself even more and many years later i caught up with him and asked why he never came back or gave us another chance, his answer stung me to my core, he said ” because i knew you would always be there, you would always take me back” his answer made me feel awful, like a puppy eager to please and i promised myself never to act that way again.
    trouble with relationships is that although you may feel something is right, it doesn’t mean the other person feels the same, every person has their own personal feelings and have the right to decide what is right for them and your ex has done what she feels is right for her…right now.
    It does not mean that she won’t decide she’s made a mistake in the future and want you back but for now you have to respect her decision, be brave and speak politely to her like you would any other person but for now try to accept the situation as it is and look out for new possibilities, because while your focus is on her your missing other potential friendships that may blossom into beautiful things

    September 3, 2016 at 2:09 pm #114141
    Spencer
    Participant

    Looking back I see how it may seem quite irresponsible of her parents, and I have no idea what they were thinking but I have met them and they are very nice people, who she doesn’t seem to have any real problem with thrn. I mean I know she fights with her mom, but no more than I do myself and I mean that’s natural, we’re teenagers. She told me all that they did was make out on the trip, and for some reason I believe it(maybe because I want too). But my point she’s not exactly the poster child of bad parenting. Also not sure if this is relevant, we both really wanted to get into this one college(not sure about her anymore) and if I assume we both go I don’t want to be with her just because the other guy is gone.

    September 3, 2016 at 2:34 pm #114143
    Spencer
    Participant

    Tracey-
    I definitely understand that but she said she cared about both of us equally and was going to break up with him. So I feel like I should still have a chance, even though she never did break up with him.
    I also feel like I could deal with any other guy, her ex who she was with on and off for two years, I like him he’s cool and I wouldn’t be bothered if they were best friends, but this guy is basically my mortal enemy and I can’t even look at him without being consumed in anger and depression.

    September 3, 2016 at 2:42 pm #114144
    Tracey
    Participant

    Spence
    Having myself said things to others that i have not whole heartedly meant just to keep them happy and not hurt them i can not say for sure her feelings behind the words, only she knows that. But maybe it’s worth looking at why he sets off such powerfully negative emotions within you

    September 3, 2016 at 3:37 pm #114146
    Spencer
    Participant

    Well no offense but I’m pretty sure it’s because he’s the one my girlfriend cheated on me with…
    Also I am very thankful for all the advice your giving me, but I didn’t come here to come to peace with my emotions. I have been nice and non judging my whole life and now when it counted this is where I landed, so evidently being passive and accepting isn’t always the answer to these things. I don’t care for my current situation and I will do everything possible on my front to change things to the way I want them until whatever I do doesn’t matter, I just need to know the best way to do that. In other words no more mr nice guy about whatever happens to me, I will not just accept things the way they are.

    September 3, 2016 at 5:29 pm #114149
    Adam P
    Participant

    Ah, young love.
    Anyway hi there spence. I see that most likely this is your senior year in school, correct. Make the effort to socialise with others to help “distract” you from the emotional pain. Halloween is coming up next month and that is the perfect opportunity to meet new people/girls and continue to improve your inner growth. After a while you will notice that life will flow more naturally and you will not have so much burden from your past.
    My apologies earlier, I had written a huge piece on how to develop yourself but I believe it got cut off so I shortened my post. If you need any further advice, feel free. I speak from experience.
    Thank you and take care.
    -85

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by Adam P.
    September 3, 2016 at 8:09 pm #114157
    Spencer
    Participant

    Well I’m not going to give up, so the worst case scenario is that things remain the same that they are now, best case… Anything else. I am still socializing remaining with my friends and all that but I honestly don’t know another girl that I could be with, considering she was the first in years I even liked relatively. And if none of this works out I will move on and eventually find someone else, but I’m not there yet. Thank you for all of your advice.

    September 4, 2016 at 6:26 am #114183
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    As I gaze into my crystal ball, I see a lot of bitterness and loneliness in your future. You are not heading in the right direction, friend, and I hope you’ll listen to the advice we’re trying to give you.

    Listen, this is not your girl. It sounds like she was never that into you in the first place (except as a friend maybe) and she made out with this other guy because she wanted to make out with him. There’s no mystery here as to why it happened. She handled this badly, for sure, but you know, she’s in high school. We’ll have to cut her some slack.

    If you’re not interested in making peace with your emotions, you may be in the wrong place?

    This is my best advice:
    – Try to stop obsessing about her. You were hurt. You got your heart stomped on. It sucks like hell but we all go through this.
    – Let go of your anger towards this guy, who has done nothing wrong. He was into her, he didn’t know she was ‘taken’, and now she’s his girlfriend. No foul. He’s not your ‘mortal enemy’ for goodness sake, get a little perspective.
    – Be less “picky” about your relationships. Stop ranking girls according to how beautiful they are, and start thinking about what they have to offer personality-wise. There are other girls in your school you could have a relationship with. Maybe a successful one.
    – Get a handle on that depression you’re building. It will only get harder the more you let it set root.

    My best wishes for you. I’m sorry you were hurt by this girl. I’m sorry you’re in pain. The only way out is to let go, though. Good luck.

    September 4, 2016 at 11:46 am #114217
    Spencer
    Participant

    Okay I realize now I’m in the wrong place to get advice on how to get her back, but a few things first. I’m not depressed, I’m still living my life and hanging out with friends, I’m sad and that’s only natural. Also what’s important is I didn’t go to her and say I liked her, she came to me and admitted She liked me. Plus she was at least semi-willing to break up with this guy. And when I said I was picky I never meant by how beautiful they are(I can see how it sounds that way). I liked her not only because she is beautiful(it is a factor) but also because she’s the first that I actually connected with. So I will continue towards trying to get her back and if it doesn’t work then it doesn’t work, it’s as simple as that. But in my view doing nothing to get her back shows you really don’t care at all, and don’t really want it. I’d always look back in my life and regret not trying even if doesn’t work, and I’d prefer not to live with that kind of regret. I’ll keep you posted if anything significant happens, thank you for your advice.

    September 4, 2016 at 12:36 pm #114221
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear spence99:

    I support your resolution to be active in your life, to be assertive, to act toward bringing about the changes in your life that you need. I hope that your assertiveness in regards to this young woman will aim at a Win-Win relationship with her, healthy for you and for her.

    anita

    September 4, 2016 at 7:00 pm #114237
    Adam P
    Participant

    Hey spence,
    Forgot to mention this but seeing as your topic post is “cheated on and looking for answers”. Here is some strong advice for you young man. You may never get an answer. You may get something 10 or 20 years later, but don’t hold your breath trying to get an answer. Similar people such as yourself have been trying to get answers and they have eventually lost, whether it’s high school or a marriage that lasted years.So learn to rise up above all of this.
    Thank you and take care
    -AP85

    September 5, 2016 at 12:36 am #114270
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    All right, good luck. Look after your heart.

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