I registered just to post on this topic.  Let go of that “Once a cheater, always a cheater” thing. You’re a human being. You are subject to growth, change; you can be 10/10 if you let it happen, because after all we’ve control over our actions. Your friend might see you as 9/10 – you can’t control that, but you can influence how your partner sees you.

Trust me, I know how it is, because I am a cheater myself, and I’ve tortured myself over this. It’s not always possible to understand why. Hormones, long distance, a person who reminds you of someone else – it’s multi-variable calculus  which rules we don’t really understand, and I don’t think that’s average people’s job – leave it to scientists and psychologists. And yeah, it hurts our moral muscles, which we don’t realize we have at the time. But dwelling on this issue won’t help either.

It doesn’t happen in an instant, but try to realize that your past became a fact. Not a variable process which is now. Past is a fact. And when someone mentions cheating, remember that it’s not your doing; those are actions and story of other people, and you have your own story. At least be kind to yourself, and moderate the drinking.

Dear insparagus:

Your last sentence, above, is: “I think the regret I’m feeling is at least proof of that (of “I am not a monster”).

The obsession or rumination over the teenage incidents may be a way for you to prove to yourself that you are not a bad person, not a monster. As long as you feel badly about the mistakes you made, that means you are not a bad person. Can it be?

It is painful to live life believing you are a bad person, a monster. Every mistake, every imperfection seems like “proof” that indeed you are a bad person. And a bad person does not deserve to live a good life, to experience well-being. Did you consider attending quality psychotherapy so to tackle this core belief, to look into it, challenge it?

anita