I used to be similar when I was young; in order to make myself accepted and in order to sound “cooler”, I used to make up all kinds of stuff about myself. I figured no one would truly like me if they knew the real me. But as time went on, I met other people that, when I told them the normal “boring” stuff about myself, they found me really interesting and fun to be with, and I covered that I didn’t have to lie for people to like me. The truth is that some people would like me and some people just… wouldn’t. And it hurts because I’m a people-pleaser, but I’ve learned to accept that I can’t win everyone over. Some of my old friends could never get over my lying ways and stopped talking to me, but some of my old friends watched me stay truthful over the years and realized that I really have changed, and now we’re closer than ever.

Rebuilding trust takes time. Keep doing what you’re doing and eventually, your actions will speak for themselves.

Hi Alia,

I hear where you’re coming from. When your identity is tied to externalities or labels of what people think or say about you, it’s really hard to change. I mean, how can you? You’re trapped in a box that says, “This is Alia” and all the labels on the box are being stuck on there by other people.

I faced a similar situation in trying to change and the thing that allowed me to really turn a new leave was getting to a place where I really stopped carrying as much what other people thought. It’s easier said than done, I know, but it’s a very important step in the change process.

Your whole life you grow up wanting to make your parents, family, and friends happy and look to them for validation, “Am I doing okay?….Do you approve?”

If they say you’re bad, then you feel bad. If they say, you’re good, then you feel good. If they think you’re confidant, then you feel confidant. If they call you a fake, then you feel like a fake. It seems really quite absurd when you think about – why do we feel what other people think or say?

I think, one of the first steps towards freedom is not to change how people label the box that is you, the key is to get out of the box completely!

Currently, our society has an obsession with self-esteem and self-worth, both of which are based on evaluation, judgement, and labels – of yourself, of others, of how others compare to you, and how you compare to others.

I think the road to self-esteem and self-worth are dead-ends. They just perpetuate the need to compare, to know, and care how others think about your or feel about you. It creates an unhealthy dependency and it’s unsustainable. Big country, small country, big city, or small city, eventually you’ll come across other people’s judgement, criticism, and evaluation.

But if how you feel about yourself and how you act are no longer dependent on the approval or validation of others, there will be nothing to stand in your way to become the person who you want to be.

To help you break free of this cycle, try this resource: http://www.self-compassion.org/

I hope this helps.