Hello all at Tiny Buddha!
I have started to see more and more posts about changes in life, and I am/have been changing for the better. I hope that anyone who feels they need to change makes the decision for the right personal reasons. I am choosing to change because I want to be happy for once like I know I can be, but also because I have learned and grown.

In the past year I have been at my very lowest, stuck with myself, depressed/suicidal, anxious, medical issues, past issues still trying to get dealt with, plus I am in college, my family moved into an unfinished house, and I’m anorexic… But now I am on the road to recovery. It IS recovery because I AM doing better with a goal of less emotional/physical discomfort and more positive. Pushing the reminder of “Yes, you are making worthwhile progress, keep a steady pace/don’t over do it.” is helping me from slipping backwards.

Changes: Stopped biting my nails, talking down to myself, stopped caring about (but didn’t stop interacting with) negative people/people cause me discomfort, refocused on school, opened my mind to career options so I have a better idea of what/where I will likely be some day in the future, decided to deal with the anorexia instead of ignoring it, and adopted a “Just do it” attitude.

I am still struggling with anxiety; I hate how bad it is. I feel like I have made so much progress but then anxiety comes around. It continually gets worse, and there really isn’t anything wrong or reason for me to worry. I’m trying to find the cause or what is influencing it because I know it is unnecessary. For example, I wake up in the night about 1 time to see if my boyfriend is home yet (very very briefly), then actually wake up and get up when he gets home (3-5 am), then usually go to bed with him for a while before getting up and starting my own day, without issues. But then when the anxiety is really bothering me, I can’t even wake up for 5 mins before I’m having an anxiety attack. I’ll be conscious one minute without opening my eyes, then in the next I’m hyperventilating, heart racing, trying to keep my body and mind calm because I’m fighting the urges to run, scream, hide, attack myself, while also doing something productive.

Doing something productive is important to me because it is the only thing that has made me feel better, but it has been very good for me because I also struggle with motivation. Getting things done and realizing that they were not that bad, just time consuming, helps motivate me to keep going.

I still struggle with myself too, but I have made so much progress I am dedicated to getting better and not becoming so helpless, so useless, again.