Dear Meander:

I read your whole post attentively. Using my own words I will summarize your post as I understand it, trying to present things as simple as possible:

Your Nana needs help because she is continuing to age, has pre-existing emotional trouble, neglects her health and resists improving her health and safety. She doesn’t like to be helped. She is likely to fall again (which may be fatal, as it is a frequent cause of death in the aging population). Your mother is helping your Nana best she can. Your Nana doesn’t like your mother. But as in any stressful relationship, the two take breaks from misery and laugh or relax with each other occasionally.

My suggestions: if you haven’t done it so far, do the research on what I mentioned in parenthesis and let your Nana know the simple statistics on the matter, so that you have no doubt that she is aware of the danger in falling, beyond injuries.

You can give your Nana and mother breaks from their time together, providing very temporary reliefs from their distressing relationship and the cost of it to each one of them. If you can afford it, depending on circumstances and your own well-being in mind.

See if there is a service you currently don’t know about regarding an agency perhaps that counsels the elderly, aware of that… elderly stubbornness to not exercise, to not ask for help.

If I was you, I would stay out of the relationship between your mother and Nana, not trying to improve it (beyond the temporary breaks, if you so choose). Way… way too late in this regard and nothing you can do.

anita

Dear Meander:

You are welcome. When either one expresses to you unhappiness about something, ask yourself first if there is something you can do about it. If you are sure there isn’t, repeat what either one tells you as a way to let her know you heard her. Show empathy if you feel it when you repeat what she told you. That in itself is often helpful.

If you think there may be something you can do, ask either one what it may be that you can do. If she comes up with something, consider it. If none, well, say: I wish there was something I could do. I so wish I could help.

anita