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Can't see us in a relationship bc feel some disconnection when he talks to me

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  • #183763
    S-Buddha
    Participant

    The guy I saw/dated for 2 months just broke off me out of blue the day before Christmas Eve, saying that he is really sorry but he doesn’t see a future with me. I was really confused about where did it come from and ask what has changed/happened, and he said that he likes as a person and we had good chemistry in person but sometimes when he talked me, he feels some disconnection and he realized that he is not happy. He just doesn’t see us in a relationship.

    Honestly the reason that he gave doesn’t make much sense to me and it just feels off, and I can’t even logic myself out of it… I know I won’t get a real answer from him and I just need time to heal but now thinking about why is driving me crazy.

    A little background, we met online and things were going pretty well (at least to me) for the first month. He asked me all those questions about family, friends and relationships, and made me feel that he wanted to settle and have a seriously relationship. And I think we have good connection and similar values towards things and life, and enjoyed time talking or being together. There was one time he mentioned that he doesn’t want to have a relationship at the moment bc he needed to study for the upcoming interviews and focus till then. I really liked him and wanted to get to know him more, even I’m really for a relationship but I told him that we could take it easy now and date more seriously after his interviews. He said, that’s fine we could do that.

    We still talked a lot over text but over time I felt that he was not as interested in knowing about my life as the first couple weeks. Since he still texted me a lot I didn’t want to think or push too much. And I thought inconsistency in early relationship is normal. We were holding hands, acting like a couple and finally had sex the last time when we met. The week after he still texted me but the text sounded more like a chore rather than he actually cared. Then I went on 2 and half weeks trip and told him that I want to close off my phone for 1 week to just enjoy the moment, and asked whether he was still seeing/talking to other people, he said here and there but not lately due to study, and probably won’t bc need to focus. I then told him that I don’t want him to talk to other ppl anymore but if he wants to focus on study first then it’s fine. He said he would try his best… then the 2nd day after I was back to my phone. He broke off me with that message.

    Honestly, at my side, I didn’t feel any disconnection during our interaction, can feelings  really be this one sided and blinded? I can understand he broke off me bc he still wanted to see other people, or he just feels pressured by me not wanting him to see other people plus the upcoming interviews, or he just simply lost interest. But not seeing a future with me really shocked me as a breakoff reason from him.

    Sorry I wrote so much but I just really need a channel to vent..

    #183847
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear S-Buddha:

    Did I understand correctly: he broke up with you after the first and only time you had sex?

    If so, anything about that experience to provide a new possibility as to the Why you are trying to figure?

    anita

    #183849
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * did not get submitted correctly…

    #183887
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi S-Buddha,

    I am sorry this happened, especially right before Christmas. From my own experiences, (or I should say, unfortunately, several, several experiences, online relationships rarely work out. I have had many, both long distance and local. Always ended the same. Either distance, or if they are “online” they like to stay “online” and are usually not relationship ready, preferring just to flirt or hook-up, date many women.

    Also, he told you he did not want to be in a relationship. I usually take that as a red flag, because no matter what you do, they won’t change, and months later still not be ready for any kind of relationship, and you can’t change that person. Also, I feel it scared him off when you told him it was okay to go slow, but then told him you did not want him to talk to other people while you were away. He might have thought that “controlling” especially when he initially expressed to you, that he did not want a relationship. He is not emotionally available, which is why he did not seem interested in your day, or what you had to say. He just want to date and have “fun”. He felt you were getting too serious too quickly which is why he took the cowards way out and said he “felt a disconnection”. It had nothing to do with you. Like he told you, unfortunately, he did not want a relationship.

    Best to meet someone in person, really get to know them before becoming intimate. Get to be their friend first. Take things slow. Try to meet them at church, coffee shop, dog park (lots of cute single nice men have dogs they take for walks). Try to stay off online dating sites. Too complicated. You deserve better.

    #183889
    Eliana
    Participant

    I am not sure why my replies are not posting..

    #183913
    Eliana
    Participant

    All good now, sorry..might be the weather, it’s 10 below here..

    #184373
    S-Buddha
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    thanks fro your reply! Hmm I don’t think it is the sex… even if it was I should be the one feel hesitant but def not him…

     

    #184379
    S-Buddha
    Participant

    Dear Eliana,

    thanks so much for the long response! It really warms my heart 🙂 <3

    I usually would take “don’t want a relationship at the moment” as a big red flag, but what he told me is that he didn’t want bc he needed to study for his interviews and focus till next Jan. And since that talk, he always told me that he was studying with his buddy/ after work etc… it felt like he was proving to me that he didn’t use study just as an excuse. And we once had this long conversation about longer distance relationship bc he might work at somewhere 2 hours drive away from I live and asked how did I think about that. That’s  why I thought he was real or at least thinking about a serious relationship once the interviews are done.

    The reason I throw the “me not want him seeing other ppl” question is that I think us getting intimate is a step forward for our relationship, and if the reason for us not being together at the moment is truly bc his studying for interviews and he actually felt the same way as I did, it should be okay for him not talking to other ppl. he said “ i will try my best!!” And I trusted him to actually want to make an effort bc he never overpromose things, but obviously this time is not.  You know I would rather he told me it’s not working out cuz he still wanted to date more people or he is not interested in me anymore or now is just a bad time bc he didn’t want get distracted… but not seeing a future with me/can’t see us in a relationship are pretty strong reason. To me it has to be something fundamentally not working out for me to say it to a person.

    Btw, I like you said about the cute single guys in the dog parks haha!

    Happy New Year!!

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