Can't choose between my ex and a new guy

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This topic has 45 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 2 years, 2 months ago by natalee.

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March 10, 2022 at 3:37 pm #394838
Anonymous
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Dear Jess:

You are welcome. It’s a good idea to write out your thoughts before you meet with him. Take a printout of your thoughts with you so that if you get too emotional, you can read to him from the printout.

Every time you feel guilty about hurting him, please remind yourself that by resuming a relationship with him, you will not be elevating him to mental health, but lowering yourself to menta illness, ending up in a situation where both of you suffer. Nothing positive about that situation as no one benefits. Save yourself, please. Move toward the light, as the saying goes.

anita
- This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by .
March 14, 2022 at 7:51 pm #395191

Anonymous
Guest

How are you, Jess, any news?

anita

March 14, 2022 at 8:57 pm #395193

jess
Participant

Thank you for checking in.

For some reason I wasn’t able to see your post from March 10th, that’s why I haven’t replied. But I went to a concert on Friday so I’ve just been re-cooperating these past days. I haven’t started the writing process yet, I think I should start tomorrow and ask him when he is free to meet up this week. I am nervous but I’m confident in my feelings based on how we’ve talked through this situation and the realizations I’ve had as well. I don’t want him to be mad at me, since we did start talking again since the breakup and I told him I missed him. He even told me that I might break his heart again and that’s okay as long as he got to be around me again. I just don’t want that to be the case, but reality can be hurtful. Maybe I can tell him we can still be friends or is that a bad idea? He is my good friend since I’ve been with him since I was a teenager. This sucks, I don’t want to never see him or laugh with him again. I know this is going to be hard even though I write out my thoughts. Ahh

March 14, 2022 at 8:57 pm #395194

jess
Participant

I have a huge procrastination issue and it stresses me out dealing with the situation, but also putting it off makes it even more stressful.

March 15, 2022 at 7:27 am #395211

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Jess:

“Maybe I can tell him we can still be friends or is that a bad idea? He is my good friend since I’ve been with him since I was a teenager. This sucks, I don’t want to never see him or laugh with him again” – you can tell him that you don’t want to never see him or laugh with him again and ask him if he would like to be friends later on, after some time passes, a year maybe, after the two of you (separately, having no contact with each other) move on from the romantic part of your relationship and can benefit from a friendship only.

“I have a huge procrastination issue and it stresses me out dealing with the situation, but also putting it off makes it even more stressful” – if you continue to procrastinate dealing with the situation, the situation will deal with you, in a sense. Let’s say, you feel too guilty to turn down the ex, so you start behaving in ways that will turn the new guy off, so… that the new guy will end it with you and that way, you will be back with the ex.

Your difficulty, as the title of your thread indicates, is: “Can’t choose between my ex and a new guy“. You might then make a choice indirectly by starting to see the new guy negatively, talking yourself into not liking him, leading to the ending of this new relationship, and alone… you figure, why not go back to the ex.

Guilt is a powerful state of mind. I hope it is not too powerful in your mind and heart!

anita

March 16, 2022 at 3:55 pm #395425

jess
Participant

Thank you Anita,

I will definitely tell him that, hopefully we can remain friends once some time passes and we can focus on our selves. And I’ve also thought that the new guy might not want to continue things if I don’t figure it out so I think I have the strength to finally say goodbye and move onto the next chapter of my life, whether that be with the new guy or by my self, I’ll just have to see how things go. For now I will tell my ex what needs to be said and hopefully we can end things on a civil note. I’m sure we will, since he said he just wants me to be happy. I won’t let guilt bring me down to that level and have me continue something that I know is already gone, and not good for me.

– Jess

March 16, 2022 at 8:17 pm #395441

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Jess:

You are welcome. Your recent post, of 4 hours and fifteen minutes ago reveals your thinking at its best! You must have been calm at the time, I figure, because we do our best thinking when we are calm.

And so, keep yourself calm when you contact him, when you talk with him (prepare for it) and please let me know how it goes.

anita

March 17, 2022 at 9:16 am #395461

jess
Participant

I am starting to feel more okay about it and more calm. I will definitely let you know how it goes when the time comes.

March 17, 2022 at 11:35 am #395468

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Jess:

Good to read that you are starting to feel calmer and more okay. I will be looking forward to your next post, and I hope that you say and do what needs to be said and done sooner than later. (I too tend to procrastinate, by the way, so I understand)!

anita

March 17, 2022 at 2:57 pm #395477

jess
Participant

I am hoping to go over there tomorrow or soon next week, I don’t want to wait too long either I need to just get it done.

March 17, 2022 at 3:55 pm #395478

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Jess:

Like I suggested earlier, you can do it via email, sending him a message online. I know that you prefer to do it in-person, but of the two options: (1) do it on email, (2) not doing it at all, option #1 is way, way better.

I suggest that if you procrastinate it passed early next week, choose option 1. That’s what I would do, if I was you.

anita

March 17, 2022 at 8:19 pm #395555

jess
Participant

Thank you so much for your suggestion.

March 17, 2022 at 8:23 pm #395556

Anonymous
Guest

You are welcome. Jess

anita

March 21, 2022 at 12:58 pm #395752

jess
Participant

Anita,

I went over to his house on Friday and we only talked for a few hours because I was meeting my friends that night. I think we got everything out that we needed to say… at first we were just watching a show and I slowly brought it up to him. I brought his jacket over and that’s when he knew it was over, he said. He was hoping I would want to talk about getting back together but he also had a feeling it would go the opposite.

I started by saying I’m sorry for being so complicated and distant, I’ve been processing my feelings. He said he knew that I needed space. That’s why he hasn’t been talking to me considering that his friend told him not too as well, I guess that was good for me to be alone and figure out my feelings. He brought up that he’s trying to move on and he’s interested in someone else, then again he later said I would always go back to you if you wanted me back. I told him I just want everything to be ok, and he understood that I wanted that closure and he said I can reach out to him if I ever need anything. But we won’t be able to hangout as friends because it just wouldn’t end well considering we still love each other and the new guy/girl wouldn’t be happy with that.

He told me that he really appreciates and respects that I wrote out my feelings and wanted to tell him in person instead of just never talking to him again. I also told the new guy that I was going over there to talk because I want to be transparent. He was understanding, and things are going well so far. I definitely feel better for being open and honest.

One thing about my ex is that he gets irritated easily, and I could tell that he was getting a little mad because of how I’ve been dealing with our situation (going back and forth, not being 100% clear with my feelings), acting like he’s the one that did all the damage…. I told him it’s hard to be open when I don’t even know how I’m feeling. He said he understands because I’m still young figuring out myself. He said that’s the difference between us because he knows what he wants, he wants to date to marry. I agree with that statement and it’s just sad because we saw that with each other. And I haven’t had much experience outside our relationship. I guess that’s one part that’s really difficult for me to get over because I thought he was my soulmate and we would be together since high school. I think he did finally realize his drinking problem because he told me that he even drinks with the new girl, and I told him he needs to be careful because the same thing is going to happen without realizing it. He said he still feels a connection with me and it will never go away even in 10 years. I hope we can eventually meet again because he is such a great guy at his core and he really knows me.

It was a little embarrassing because I couldn’t help but cry when I was reading my note. It was hard for me to breathe, I feel like that showed my weakness. I apologized for crying and not being able to hold it together.

Throughout the conversation he brought up that he’s already tried his hardest to show how he’s changed, and there’s not much else he can do, and I owe him the effort and apology for cheating, not being 100% honest at first. We did keep talking and said that it’s really both of our “faults.” I put that in quotes because he said none of us are necessarily at fault, I guess it’s having the accountability in which way our relationship could’ve worked.

– Jess

March 21, 2022 at 2:16 pm #395757

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Jess:

Congratulations for having had this talk, for making it happen last Friday!

“I definitely feel better for being open and honest” – good. You did well.

“He brought up that he’s trying to move on, and he’s interested in someone else” – he is not only trying to move on, he already moved on: he moved on enough to feel an interest in another woman and to pursue that interest to one extent or another.

“then again, he later said I would always go back to you if you wanted me back.. He said he still feels a connection with me and it will never go away even in 10 years” – how can he possibly know that he would always want to go back to you and that the connection with you will never go away: he can’t predict the future.

Plus, by saying this, he is saying that he will be willing to leave the future mother of his children, and his future children… for you, if you want him back.

“he’s interested in someone else… He said that’s the difference between us because he knows what he wants, he wants to date to marry” – well, he better not marry another woman and leave her (and his children!) if you wanted him back. What would that do to his children???

“we won’t be able to hangout as friends because it just wouldn’t end well considering we still love each other, and the new guy/girl wouldn’t be happy with that” – good thinking, good plan!

“considering we still love each other… I thought he was my soulmate, and we would be together since high school” — please consider letting go of this teenage one-love-soulmate-forevermore romantic idea. Be open to… no longer love him. You will be able to love another man, a better, healthier love.

“I haven’t had much experience outside our relationship” – this is my point above, you deserve a better experience, a healthier relationship with someone else. This forever-teenage love idea fits a teenager/ very early 20s woman, please let it go as you proceed into your 20s and 30s. I am guessing that what’s ahead of you, at this point, is mourning this idea of a one-love-forevermore idea. Is this what you are feeling, a mourning of this idea?

anita
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