I can’t change my past but it is seeping into my future. I met someone last year during the darkest times of my life.

During the first year of university, I had a job. Unfortunately, I turned up late and wasn’t responsible enough with my finances either. Then the pandemic hit, and I lost my job during the second semester of term, and that’s when my life started to darken.

Through second year of my studies, I was failing, had a series of events happen, my grades were poor and when he came into my life, I changed for the better. He was someone that I thought I could look up to, as his grades were perfect. I wasn’t seeing the real him. I don’t have any romantic feelings for him anymore, I’m trying to take the lessons I learned with me.

Unfortunately he didn’t see me in that way and we had to go our separate ways. I then met someone a month after, and he seemed like everything I was looking for, except he’s long distance in America. I live in the UK.

My past habits have influenced who I am today. Last week, I spent 11 hours studying and making sure my essay was perfect, two weeks before the deadline because I didn’t want to fail again, I had a fear of failure. I joined a student forum that breeds my perfectionism as many people on that forum go to the best universities in the world. Yet I feel stuck. I feel stuck in myself because I can’t accept who I am. I’m always so negative about myself all the time. I always think that I am worthless without a master’s degree or a doctorate. The person I was talking to has completely disappeared and I don’t know when he is coming back.

I recently got a new job, and it is such a blessing as everyone seems happy. I actually love my job, and want to stay there long term.

I can’t help but not feel satisfied with my life though, and I’m always searching for something else.