Thanks for taking the time out to respond Peter.
I cannot trust him at present because of this, but wonder how I’d go about trusting him again?
I know only I can choose whether to or if I can.

In your opinion, what would you say he would need to do to prove he’s sorry & worth me giving it another chance?
I’ve spoke to him about whether he is able to be open & honest, reasonably adapt in areas that are needed & he’s said he would.

I also believe living in the present, so in times like this it’s hard to challenge living in the present ‘as if nothing has happened’ but also using what has happened to determine my path

Sorry, the ex he was texting wasn’t his boys Mum. It was another ex.
We have, and even today have spoken about why he kept something a secret after the initial time of me knowing & he has said that he doesn’t think about things at the time, only if & when they get bad. But he now knows this is not right. He has a lot of guilt being carried from stuff in his past, he was in the army. As hes lived with guilt for so long anything added isn’t added as he already feels it. He now kniws this is wrong & couldn’t be vulnerable to open up so dealt with it his way.
He’s been very open to me, more so now than when we were together. Explaining why he has done things. Doesn’t make it right or acceptable as he has hurt me in the process. I’ve never hurt him in that way but I have always had a fear instilled within me that I am not good enough or worthy of an opinion so never aired them because of that, I always felt controlled (before him) because of not listening to my own opinion & going along with someone elses opinion & almost using it as my own, but despising the fact id do that. Alot of complicated stuff that is pretty much based around communication & feelings.
I feel like I understand where he’s coming from & that I’m in a much stronger place now. But of course I don’t trust him at the moment. But does that mean I won’t ever again?

I’ve never loved myself. But over the last 6 months I’ve really delved into loving myself. I guess thats what puts me in a different position to know that if it went wrong again I’d be ok.
But along with that, goes back to being present. You can only have a problem in the present moment, not in the past, or in the future.
It does scare me the thought of getting back with him, it also scares me to walk away. Its been 7 months already & I still can’t pull away from him. We were great around all of this though, he really did make me laugh & smile on a daily basis & weve seen so much of the world together & we match & compliment each other. We now know everything about each other, I’m a stronger person (still a little work) but im realised & im working on my boundaries with a therapist.
I’m just so stuck between whats best for me.
Maybe it’s not about having to make the leap either way, but just being & seeing what comes of it.

I wouldn’t want him to wait around for me, but I guess at the same time that’s the only way anything were too happen, by gradual building of trust. Even then I may still never be ready. I guess the ball would need to be in his court on that one on how much he wants us to work.
I’m not looking to date anyone else or make wnyone else part of my life so I don’t mind taking this approach myself. He’s never been an open man in terms of his feelings & what he’s thinking so this is really big for him to open up

Thanks, it does.
Ive spoken with him tonight & explained that I need to build trust again before ‘giving myself to him again’ he understood but basically said hes not waiting round for me.
It is right (no right or wrong I guess as it’s just how I feel) but is it right for me to feel like he can’t care too much for me if he isnt willing to do that? I feel like I’m being punished for guarding myself when I haven’t done anything wrong – I feel like he should be jumping at the chance, am I wrong to think that? I didn’t say no, I said no to exclusivity just yet but not all together

Thanks Anita for your time.
He sent him a text yesterday after meeting saying I would be willing to see how things go, that we’d date again & go from there. He got a bit defensive saying “im not being strung along like a dog waiting for you to want me” (this wasn’t said negatively. I asked why he thinks like that as it isn’t like that it’s just I need to build trust, with his ‘help’ & mentioned if he met someone else that he’d date them for a few months before both making a decision whether they’re suitable, so I said it’s a shame that he doesnt want to do this with me, he replued saying ‘no I can’t sorry’. I told him I can’t give myself to him before building trust. He suggested we leave it at the moment and if in a few months time I want to make a go with him I can let him know, to which I said that I wont just wake up one day & trust him, hence my reasons for dating & building trust now. He didnt have much to say, but continued with a ‘its not good enough’ type of attitude. I told him I felt upset & let down by the outcome & that I felt sad (this was through text last night) & I havent heard nor had a reply.

How do you read this, from an outside point of view?

If I’m honest my head is screaming walk away he is not worth it.. but for 6/7 months now my heart is longing for him.
I have, like others, always wanted to be loved, but at a higher level than most, due to an emptiness I have felt within for years. Because of this, I feel, this is why I keep trying to pursue this situation. I’m a people pleaser, a rescuer & I over function in relationships so I can where & why this is coming from.
I say I don’t trust him but I blindfols myself in thinking he’s not a horrible person, he isn’t playing games & hes confused too.. but reality is, no matter what amount of conversation we have had, I’ve put it out there that I’m willing to take things slow & he’s said he can’t. In my eyes that doesn’t tell me he wants me like he makes out. His ego seems to override him & he feels the need to be in control & have things go his way.
He’s had a lot of trauma & difficulties in life & this is where my rescuing comes in & I need to realise that I cannot fix him, nor make him want me. Around this time if year also is hard, grief is hard & I see that because I’m still upset so far after our split that ‘we must be together’ but I’m worn out trying & being the fixer when he doesn’t seem too involved…

And breath!! Lol