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Can you learn to trust again?

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  • January 5, 2015 at 10:36 pm #70657
    strong2015
    Participant

    I’m in a relationship with someone that inspires me, challenges me, makes me laugh, I’m attracted to, we have endless conversations and we have amazing adventures. The problem is there is still a mistrust that lingers. While he was overseas he cheated on me. When he came back he broke up with me as he couldn’t live with himself, he went to counselling and we got back together. I then found out the truth and we have been working through it the last 8 months. The first few months were hard. I was hurt, he wasn’t sure if he was staying out of guilt. We gave each other space and realised we were still what each wanted. He acknowledged he was guilty of thinking the grass was greener and being distracted while we’re together. But has said that I am what he wants, that he has never known someone that he can truly be himself with, that cares about their opinion, they’re more than just a trophy girlfriend and someone he can share everything with. The problem is I’m still not sure if I trust him. This was proven the other day when he found me checking his phone. I worry his ego will always need to be flattered, that his need to be liked means that he puts himself in situations that put us at risk. That he hasn’t had good role models when that comes to releationships. That the physical side of a relationship hasn’t been the same since what happened. But most of all I’m not sure if you have a releationship if you don’t trust someone. I talked to him briefly about this when we were on holiday. He admitted something has been holding him back but he’s not sure what and has been trying hard the last couple of weeks but can you ever learn to trust again? Is it worth keeping on trying?

    January 6, 2015 at 3:45 am #70660
    Maggie Black
    Participant

    WOW! So hard this is.

    To have so much good stuff going on and yet not the main element: TRUST.
    I am huge on trust and have always said if someone cheated on me that would be it for me.
    But we are all different. And I think there are different circumstances.
    If he told you he cheated on you then that shows he is not a chronic cheater.
    If he was, he would probably not tell you so he would have the space to do it again.
    If he told you then he must have felt really guilty for it.

    Maybe it is a character flaw and he doesn’t want that to be the case and to rule his life.

    But as you said, you are afraid that he will always be susceptible to situations that could put you both at risk in the relationship. If he seems to have the type ego that always needs stroking by others then I would be wary.
    It would be hard to “share” my man emotionally with anyone else so I know I probably couldn’t deal with this.

    I would say it boils down to how much you feel you love him. Can you live without him?
    If so, you may want to give it some more time and space.
    I know men want respect in a relationship and if he is constantly going to feel like you haven’t put this behind you then he might not be able to live with his actions either.

    I would spent time in prayer, getting guidance on what to do and how to handle this.

    I think you will know what to do after some time.

    Best wishes to you! I know how painful this must be for you (and for him).

    January 6, 2015 at 11:09 am #70675
    strong2015
    Participant

    So much of what you said Maggie hit home. I never thought I’d be the girl that would be with someone that cheated on me. Truth be told he didn’t tell me. His counsellor told him that it was his burden to carry. I found out through other means. It has taken me a long time to come to peace with that.

    But now I’m here with as you say so much good stuff and in the last while we’ve come leaps and bounds. We’ve shared alot more of our lives; the people, the moments, the not so nice truths. All of which has brought us closer together. So I feel torn, that we’re making progress but I haven’t been able to shake of the thoughts I don’t know if he has resolved why his ego needs attention from others. Or am I being naive? Is this what all humans need? But he needs it more?

    I love him with all my heart, that is while I’m still here. But I am strong enough to know that I can live without him but for some reason I can’t say goodbye. I have moments that I feel I can and I talk, think of him and I feel like we’re so connected and why would I turn my back on that. But he does deserve the respect and if I can’t past this, that isn’t fair to both of us.

    January 6, 2015 at 1:19 pm #70691
    strong2015
    Participant

    My mind can’t stop trying to believe that there is a away to rebuild trust.

    January 6, 2015 at 1:20 pm #70692
    strong2015
    Participant

    But am I just in love what I want him to be, not who he is?

    January 6, 2015 at 1:23 pm #70693
    strong2015
    Participant

    But am I just in love with with I want him to be, not who he is? The funny thing is I don’t think he likes that part of him either but I know I can’t fix it either.

    January 6, 2015 at 1:54 pm #70699
    Doreen Dawson
    Participant

    I can totally relate to your feelings and situation.
    I am currently recovering from an emotional cheating my fiance had back a few months ago.
    It was short lived, but still the damage was done.
    I know how hard this is to go through but the best advice you can do for yourself and him is to forgive.
    Holding onto the past and resentful feelings is almost as damaging as the cheating that took place to your relationship.
    It really comes down to if are you willing to forgive and move forward only then will trust be built again and the fear will subside.
    If you have questions and feel it is not right trust your instinct and move on, you are worthy of so much more and holding on will only hold you back.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by Doreen Dawson.
    January 6, 2015 at 5:22 pm #70731
    Maggie Black
    Participant

    Strong,

    Did he go to counseling for this? You said he went to counseling and I just wonder if it was to help him get over this?
    Because it seems he has taken this very hard and not lightly at all.

    This doesn’t sound like the actions of a chronic cheater. In a way it sounds like he messed up, learned that he doesn’t want that kind of life… that he wants you and realizes he could have lost you and wants to show you and make it up to you.

    I am thinking that since things are so good that you could either keep trying to get stronger with him and see if more trust develops or just continue seeing him and maybe see others too (if you want to) just to make sure you are on the right path.

    If seeing others turns your stomach then maybe you will just have to forgive him and decide to trust again.

    I guess you and only you know deep inside yourself what is right.

    January 7, 2015 at 5:02 pm #70802
    strong2015
    Participant

    Thank you ladies for your wise words. I had thought I had forgiven but I think you’re right Doreen I’m still holding on and I need to let go if we’re to move forward. I’m letting my fears drive me, which isn’t healthy.

    Maggie he did go to counselling for this. Though he hadn’t told me, he couldn’t deal with what he had done. So for the first time in his life he went to a counselor . This was one of the things that did provide me with a bit of comfort that he wasn’t a bad guy, just done a bad thing.

    I think I will have to learn to be patient. To see what happens in our story but make sure I don’t stick my head in the sand if no more trust develops.

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