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can someone hurt a person he claims to love..!!

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Viewing 13 posts - 1 through 13 (of 13 total)
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  • July 31, 2014 at 11:34 am #62339
    Purpose
    Participant

    hello everyone.. i need advise on this,,…please tel me..m i anywhere wrong..

    i hav entered this course which will make me well equipped for my next degree i want to persue.. n that degree is my dream…
    so i m studying at this place where i met an old frnd…who introduced me to this guy called EB .. EB helped me in my initial days of course..he helped me with notes.. he used to text to talk..this became very usual for him to text..though i used to reply..but being more into my studies..i dint used to text first… until n unless I hav an info which wud help him academically..though he used to talk ofen abt things not related to studies.. i was ok wid al this sometimes..!
    I hav grattitude for EB in my heart,…since he has helped me in academically..
    .. EB used to tel his story , how his frnz betrayed him..how people he helped had used him..how alone he feels..as he is away from home…. having knwmn him for a month long time.. i reciprocated in a friendly way.. i used to listen to what al he had to say..i used to make him eat his meals he used to miss..i insisted he shud quit smoking..to be less rude towards life n people…inculcate habit of forgiveness,..etc… all this i did bcause i cud see….he was prisoner of his own thoughts n feelings..he was n still holding grudges since ages.. he is havng no food..only coffee tea n cigrettes whole day.. n when i see someone in such state..its really hard to resist ..hence like always i do in such situtions .. i jumped into the matter to be his saviour.. i made him read Tiny buddha.. gave him my self help books.. gave him long lectures on life…showed him live examples of people who create der life like PHEONIX BIRD..
    with all these efforts,..he barely changed..but yes,..he got one ”idea”/ ”thought” in his mind that..he started falling for me
    (wid all my efforts as friend on..i had made clear through my actions .my words that im in dis institute for studies..nt for any relationship..as i dont believe in al dis..)i delibrately made this image of mine so as to keep guys at a one arm distance during studies..

    Even wid all this..he proposed me one day… i told him im not at all interested.. in any guy…only studies are on my mind….n thats a truth..m really not in a state of dat mind rite now..
    i dint say anythng then..i maintained a little distance..which he cudnt bear,..so he cried.,..apologised n promised that if i be normal..n smile for him as frnd..he will be happy… as he is v alone in his life..he said..he wud die if i wil leave him like this..so i made my feelings clear n told him i will continue as frnd..n he shud reciprocate that wid respect..
    though he did reciprocate for few days..but again…he started saying indirectly or textine me n writing clearly abt his feelings for me.. i told him several times dat i dont like al dis..n i hate hear such things from atleast from frnz..
    then wid time..he started taking me for granted..he told everyone abt his feelings..he became a bit authoritative..he dint let me talk to oder guys..he used to keep an eye on to whom i was texting or talkng..wid all dis behaviour i told him.. very politely that he shud not do this… but he dint listen..he kept doing many things which were show off kinds..like to help me..more dan required.. he used to talk how he helped people when i was not around in college..etc etc…
    then few days back..he again wrote a long text which had many things written..that were unacceptable for me..i cudnt resist.n next day i went to him straight n told him i dint like all what he wrote..n now its enough..
    i had just said dos words…n he started his emotional talks..he blamed me for things i was not eve aware.. he said he has wasted his time on me.. he also said.. he thought my heart wus melt n i will agree to become his gf n we will study togethr..etc etc.. n in d end..he talked to me in a very very rude way n asked me to give his notes..books, back asap…!
    n when he was leaving..he abused me.. now this was d worst thing … how can u abuse someone u claim to like/love.. his words were soo unkind..atleast a decent guy wud not use them for a girl…!

    I now want to ask..is he real ? or..m i at fault anywhere?.. even when i told him n everyone around that m not ready for relationship.. was i not clear enough..yes i agree one can hav feelings for anyone..but manipulating..doing emotional blackmail.. n telng fake stories abt me to everyone in class..is it justified..?has he not shown that he was just interested in being a bf..than a good frnd… in d end he said to me..that he was expecting me to hav feelings for him wid time..as he felt he used to be soo gud wid me n people around,, he made me count all the help he did to me..(his goodness used to be manyatimes fake..which i cud sense though).
    im feeling bad that he dint respect my frndship..and abused me..n made me feel like as if i was a parasite on him.. was i wrong being a caring frnd?
    pls advise..plss help… thanks for reading…

    July 31, 2014 at 5:15 pm #62356
    Matt
    Participant

    Purpose,

    He wanted your heart, you didn’t give it (which is fine, your choice) so he threw a temper tantrum. Sounds like you made a good choice, he doesn’t sound like a keeper… nipped that in the bud early. Whew!

    From the way you describe it, you were clear with boundaries. Friends help friends all the time, his expectations of winning your heart is what caused his anger… your actions sound just to me. You set boundaries, were clear, did your best. You don’t deserve his reaction, he’s being a brat.

    And, I’d love to give you some vowels and consonants, if you’re running low.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    July 31, 2014 at 6:41 pm #62360
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Thanks Matt.

    Hi Purpose @purpose Welcome back 🙂

    I am not going to be as gentle as Matt with my perspective on this issue. I saw this coming after we had a brief chat few weeks ago on a similar lined issue.

    You may feel that you are very clear with your boundaries in your mind, which is great but I don’t really get a substantial reason to believe this from your posts to date.

    What is with wanting to be a saviour ? Do you want to be a GOD ? Do you want to be a super hero, Purpose the Great ? Where does this need come from ?

    Do you just care about people or do you actually start living a life for them ? There is a big difference between the two. When we set boundaries, we need to be very clear in our mind as to what those boundaries are and also inculcate similar boundaries for others.

    As you have a conflict in your mind about your own boundaries, it is not hard to see why this person has back fired on you despite your best intentions.

    My sincere advice for you follows this principle: Live and let others live without too much interference in other people’s lives. Be a friend but do not try to become a saviour. When a person is drowning and we jump into the ocean to save them without actually knowing how to swim, you know what happens. This situation is not much different to what has happened.

    I hope you will take some positives out of this for yourself and move forward with clear boundaries and your head held high up. Remember, “I am Purpose with a purpose in life. I am a friend and I will there for friends when they need me and how they need me. I will not jump into the ocean until I have learnt to swim and I will not try to change others because they are miserable. It is not my job to change others. My job is to be at peace with myself so that the peace can flow onto others”.

    Please do consider taking up the bargain offered by Matt 🙂

    Now give us a BIG SMILE and get on with what Purpose needs to do !!!!! Don’t waste your precious energies.

    Blessings,

    Jasmine

    July 31, 2014 at 8:00 pm #62368
    Big blue
    Participant

    Hi Purpose,

    I have some experience in this situation. A woman was overly caring and helpful to me, but said she was not up for a relationship. This was really frustrating.

    You were overly caring and helpful to this guy. He got interested in you. Saying no follow this boundary at that point could feel like a mixed message to him. It could be frustrating or worse as happened. I’m not justifying or agreeing with what he did, but it’s not a surprise.

    Matt and Jasmine offer solid advice and questions. Again looking at my shoes, I can be a fixer ala codependent sometimes. In this situation I am really helping myself a lot while also helping someone else. What is my core motive?

    Big blue

    PS: We certainly are complex creatures….

    July 31, 2014 at 8:57 pm #62376
    Maureen
    Participant

    That is kind of a backward question. More like, can you be hurt by someone you think loves you? Well yes of course. But this thing he is going through has nothing to do with you. This is about him. In addition, you kind of set yourself up for disappointment when you do things for someone not to keep score, and that when you do things for people out of guilt or sympathy then you are creating a co dependent relationship. You don’t want that. You want a relationship based on love. Boundaries are not for keeping people out, they are for keeping you safe. Move on. Look forward to what life is offering you.

    August 1, 2014 at 4:14 am #62389
    Purpose
    Participant

    Hello everyone..thankyou so much for replying to this post 🙂

    hi @Matt SIR(sir because due to ur wisdom..i consider u elder to me)
    thanks for ur words.. Yes im not very good when it comes to writing..that too when im expressing something personal n emotional.. my friends complains the same abt what u wrote.. i agree i might lack some knwledge..but it has more to do wid d adrenaline rush as my my blood pressure shoots when im writing..my thoughts run faster than my fingers n i miss many words..vovels..even sentenses… i promise u..i will do my h.w. from now on..n will practice writing like u all write here.. really im a fan of ur writting skills.. pls add me in d fan list 😀
    thanks.

    Hello MY DEAR @Jasmine-3 how are you.. i knew u wud reply on this post.. thanks for that..
    i seriously felt i hav a connection wid u..a deeper one.. after reading this particular reply of urs… i now imagine u more like a elder sister to me.. though till this day i hav imagined u as a person..:) but now we are sisters 🙂
    Yes i agree wid all what u have written.. but der is a change in me..a positive one..which i dint mention in d post.. that ealier i used to think that i can change people..der mindset…der behaviour..particularly of those who were suffering due to lack of trust in themselves n in GOD. I used to believe if i leave a person who is suffering..i wud not be able to live peacefully ever in my life.. i used to take up d responsibility of his/her pain n problems n wud devote my time , efforts, energies,thoughts..unconditionally to his/her problem n life…
    i hav been a person who believed dat we meet people to bring positive changes in der lives…
    yes al des thoughts n actions of mine in d past hav made me feel very low n depressed but in last few weeks..i have realized..im not a saviour..even with my best of intensions n care ..i cant be a saviour to person who is himself/herself not willing to change.. now i practice compassion n pray for them..n dont push them…neither push myself to change everythng overnight.. im seriously having tough time seeing many suffer,, despite knwing the problem n a way out to der negativity.. now i practice self talk..i tel myself dat….all i can do is just make dem feel im der for them ..whenevr they need me… n i pray for the clarity n happiness in der life..!
    thats it..but this particular situation..when al dis started..i was still d old me..who wanted to bear the pain..punishments ..n shed tears for the one suffering…i used to suffer more.. may be i was tooo emotional..
    but trust me..now im not like this.. n EB has hurt me….but not dat too hard.. because i hav become a little better.. all thanks to people here on Tiny Buddha.. those who post here..n dos who reply wid der wisdom … all the speaking trees..youtube motivational videos..tedx videos..self help books..im a better person everyday..
    im hurt because of his abusive way of ending the so-called friendship..
    thanks once again..im sending some more (hugs) n yes i hav promised @Matt that i will improve my writing 🙂 i knw i need to ..:)

    hi @Big blue..
    thanks …wid ur reply i got a chance to look at the situation from his angle.
    im sorry for ur pain… i hope u r healing now….
    friend i belive in my situation ..he was already well informed by the girl that she is not interested in any such things ,as she is totally into her carrier… n my care towards him was more like as a friend… he used to talk abt his personal life…he used to make me feel soo bad abt his condition that now i think..that it was a complete emotional blackmail.. he cried in front of me…he lied to me.. he did everythng to impress me.. knowing that whatever im doing is because we wer frnz.. and moreover..he has seen me taking care of our oder classmates..be it guy or a girl.. i hav never done anythng special for him..which wud make him blame me dat i hav made him to fall for me.. he has seen me being der for our very dear mutual guy frnd..when he was going thru a tough time… and that guy(our mutual frnd) never came wid a proposal..he consider me a very good frnd..n shares his secrets wid me.!! i think i hav become defensive now 🙂 but thats how things wer…
    im praying for him.. but yes im still hurt..im practicing compassion.. hope we heal.. n move ahead in life..happy wherever we r..
    thanks friend ..ya we are beautifully complex:) God Bless 🙂

    hi @Maureen.. thanks dear for ur words.. you are correct in writing abt boundaries n love
    i need to be more clear wid d boundaries which i think i hav n i practice.. i should not hurt anyone including myself..
    hope you are doing well.. 🙂

    August 1, 2014 at 4:15 am #62390
    Purpose
    Participant

    hi @Big blue..
    thanks …wid ur reply i got a chance to look at the situation from his angle.
    im sorry for ur pain… i hope u r healing now….
    friend i belive in my situation ..he was already well informed by the girl that she is not interested in any such things ,as she is totally into her carrier… n my care towards him was more like as a friend… he used to talk abt his personal life…he used to make me feel soo bad abt his condition that now i think..that it was a complete emotional blackmail.. he cried in front of me…he lied to me.. he did everythng to impress me.. knowing that whatever im doing is because we wer frnz.. and moreover..he has seen me taking care of our oder classmates..be it guy or a girl.. i hav never done anythng special for him..which wud make him blame me dat i hav made him to fall for me.. he has seen me being der for our very dear mutual guy frnd..when he was going thru a tough time… and that guy(our mutual frnd) never came wid a proposal..he consider me a very good frnd..n shares his secrets wid me.!! i think i hav become defensive now 🙂 but thats how things wer…
    im praying for him.. but yes im still hurt..im practicing compassion.. hope we heal.. n move ahead in life..happy wherever we r..
    thanks friend ..ya we are beautifully complex:) God Bless 🙂

    August 1, 2014 at 8:09 am #62396
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Thanks Maureen.


    @talkingwithtinybuddah     What a powerful insight. Thanks for sharing. One sentence – what is my core motive ? – has an immense potential to speed up our inner journey. Love it 🙂

    Hi Purpose @purpose

    Thanks for the honour. Happy to be an elder sister. I dun have a younger sister so sounds great to me 🙂 Don’t you regret your decision woman in the future LOL !!!!

    I understand and appreciate that you are on your own inward journey and like all of us, you are learning something positive from each experience.

    One concept made a profound effect on my thinking few years ago – “On this planet, whatever gives you happiness has an equal potential for bringing sadness into your life”. We live in duality. Love turns into hate quickly. So many couples come together with love and end up with bitterness post divorce. A person we loved so much at one point becomes a painful sore in our lives at some other point. This is a universal phenomenon and a natural law. If you try to understand it, you will only invite more miseries into life. Acceptance is the easy way out 🙂

    Accept that people are complex and all have profound reasons for being the way they are. Yes, there is suffering in this world but there is immense beauty as well. What we need is a vision to see the beauty and accept that suffering is part of the nature. Another concept, which had a profound effect on me is – “Mind can only think of one thought at a time. You can either make it a positive thought or you can choose to think a negative thought. You can either see a good quality in someone or you can choose to see their faults. Why not choose to see only good and positive ?” Atleast, this way, you will not be releasing more negativity into the environment by dwelling in suffering.

    I wish you all the best in your forward journey. Make yourself the priority in your life. You will never go wrong if the most important person in your world is YOU as then you will be able to give people the acceptance they need. Once Purpose is the most important being in your world, other people’s words or reactions will not cause you grief or hurt.

    Cheers / Hugs

    Jasmine

    August 1, 2014 at 8:07 pm #62432
    Maureen
    Participant

    For me, and I am almost on the other side of a shocking break up myself, we look and seek for understanding, it is such a relief the day you realize you stopped asking why? What a lift off your shoulders and it happens it really does. The loneliness one feels when they are rejected, is the sum of all of the rejections and sadness one has in their lives. But we have to go through it. But not alone. I applaud you for reaching out to people for encouragement. You are not alone. You are not the reason he is the way he is. For me, I am beginning to realize the things I can do now, without him. My life is funner, I dance better,I hike and I paint and I sing better, my work is better and I am feeling better all around. But it is a slow process and anyone who wants to share time with me, is going to have to be worth my time. I know you are going to reach a place where this is all behind you and you will stop asking all the why questions. Actually what I came to believe was his breaking up with me (email!) was like being stood up by a charity date.Peace and love. Take this with you.

    August 9, 2014 at 9:22 am #62937
    Purpose
    Participant

    hello elder sis @Jasmine-3 how r u doing..m extremely sorry for replying soo late..
    yes im becoming better everyday.. hoping to become better from al dis…. i will keep u posted

    hi @Maureen.. thanks for ur words… they helped me heal myself..

    im really happy to be here n i feel..we all are family..:) thanks all…

    August 11, 2014 at 6:29 am #63074
    Will
    Participant

    If you know your writing is bad, try fixing it? This isn’t dislexia or a language barrier, this is laziness. “Are” is three letters. You can handle three letters. If you miss vowels out because you’re typing too quickly, go back and put them in. It’s really disrespectful to expect people read something so long and difficult to read when you are the one who needs help and advice. At least put in the extra work to make it easy for us to understand what your problem is.

    From what I gather, you and this guy are a drama battery. Probably wise to steer clear. Was that your question? I don’t know, I can’t read your mangled ramble!

    August 22, 2014 at 10:24 am #63800
    Purpose
    Participant

    Hello My @Will.. how are you doing.. seriously i never expected anyone to write ”drama battery” for me .
    I think TB is all about being caring compassionate and supportive toward each other… trust me.. as i wrote..im working on my writing.. please dont be so harsh , i really dint expect this from anyone here.. im sorry for writing this..!

    August 22, 2014 at 12:05 pm #63803
    Matt
    Participant

    Will,

    If the words were inherently disrespectful, we both would have felt disrespected. I didn’t, so where did the feeling come from? Better to just let people flow directly, kindly working with whatever is there. In my opinion, of course. Like travelling to France, yelling “speak English!”, just silly. Lol! 🙂

    With warmth,
    Matt

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