Rahel,

What you’re describing is all very normal and usual. From the my point of viea, you’re doing fantastic. Bravo! Don’t be afraid of “backsliding”, that’s not what’s happening. The feeling “normal” to feeling “discomfort” is part of the process. Normal steps.

To help with the thousands of thoughts, consider switching to metta meditation. Metta means friendship, loving kindness, and is a feeling we can grow. As we cultivate metta, we silence the thousands of thoughts down to a few simple ones, and the mind grows peaceful, smooth. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube. Twice a day for a week should provide a lot of noticeable relief. The key is to give as much authenticity to the meditation as you can. Slowly, the mind becomes more peaceful.

Said differently, directly:
Step 1) “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube.
Step 2) Give hugs, as often as you can manage, to yourself and anyone you love.
Step 3) Peace grows slowly, directly, predictably.

Good luck! Keep going, you’re doing awesome. The difference already is humbling, inspiring. Namaste, sis!

With warmth,
Matt

Rahel,

Don’t give up, just keep going. The questions of “why” remind me of a story. There is a doctor, who has a patient come in onto the table with a poisoned arrow in her leg. She demands that she learns why she was shot with the arrow, what were the causes, why is this happening. The poison makes her deluded, feverish. The doctor would be foolish to answer her questions, and instead aims at removing the arrow.

The reasons, questions, you’re offering is why I suggest moving toward metta meditation. Now that you’re seeing “unkempt mind”, its time to tidy it up!

With warmth,
Matt

Rahel,

Like Matt said, what you are going through is normal and expected.

Think of it this way: when you were young, you were in an accident and something got damaged, but never fully attended to and healed. Now you are going through rehabilitation. If it was a leg, and you had difficulty walking, would you stop going to the physical therapy after couple of times because the leg wasn’t healing fast enough for you? Would you rather continue limping?

Your belief of being a failure is not based on reality.

Am I not allowed to post links up on here?

Rahel,

Forgetfulness is very normal whilst depressed. I know, I’ve been there and seen it in other people. Getting sucked into anger and emotional turmoil is also something that happens to many people. I’ve experienced that as well. What ever the reason for that is, you’re not alone in experiencing that and it is possible to move past it. It’s not easy to change the thought patterns, but it can be done. Like Jasmine said, it took her 6 months to get to one point. It took me around a year or more to get to a certain point. What you are experiencing is to be expected and it takes a while to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

That’s a link to my blog that I think you will all find helpful. It’s a story about a girl who ‘wants it all’ but above all to just be happy. The post in particular that I think will resonate with most of you is the post on Love and Connection. Please feel free to check it out and let me know what you think x