If you gave me a choice between putting myself first or putting other people first; I would immediately choose putting others first.

If you gave me a choice between doing too much pleasure or too much work, I would immediately choose too much work.

If you gave me a choice between obsessing over a clean of a house or having too dirty of a house, I would immediately choose being too worried about it being clean.

If you gave me a choice between only eating healthy food or  only eating junk food, then I would immediately choose only eating healthy food.

If you gave me a choice between overthinking or not thinking enough, I would immediately choose overthinking.

If you gave me a choice between either relaxing during my free time or watching nonstop education videos, I would immediately choose watching nonstop education videos.

People often ask me why I am this way. They say that I create my own suffering. I do this because I view one as the more mature and grown up like attitude and the other like the child who is rebellious and reckless.

I have been this way ever since my 18th birthday. When I was a child I wasn’t taught to think. I was basing my answers only on intuition. Or if I did think, it definitely wasn’t as often or even what I think today. That all changed when I listened to the dhammapada for the first time on YouTube the night of my birthday. I was still a Christian at the time but I wondered, why not. I didn’t actually read the Bible that much at the time, or even what most of it said at all. I was so busy with school.

But those first few sentences of the dhammapada changed me. The voice sounded so serious which almost sounded like my father. I listened and by the time I was done I had decided to devote my life towards maturity. I came up with my own personal list of how to do it, because I felt like maturity was more than just one thing. Most, but not all of my thoughts are that list.

When day arose after school my parents through a big party for me. They gave me all kinds of video games, desserts, money, and even get this, a trip to a theme park. They spent months saving the money for it and could only get two tickets one for me and one for someone I choose.  I told them I didn’t want it and could use the tickets for themselves. They were completely shocked. My future birthdays have been like this. In fact the only reason I mentioned this is because my birthday is in a few days.

But birthdays are not the issue of the the problem, it’s self sacrifice. I was was listening to my parents behind their back and they were crying looking at my childhood photos. They often wonder if I will ever be that happy again, which I can’t. I hate making them feel that way, but I have obligations.

Another thing people say is that I’m thinking of parenthood at too young of an age. I almost NEVER think of sex, but I would adopt. I am only twenty one and would be even more willing to sacrifice even more of my happiness for a child. I cannot think of a child suffering in a orphanage. I feel like it’s my responsibility to do this.

I have had the same thoughts or similar thoughts over and over again since I’ve become an adult, I don’t even question it anymore. When the words “other people” pop in my mind, I don’t question it. When the words “clean house” pop in my mind, I don’t question it. When the words “pay taxes” pop in my mind, I don’t question it. I feel no resentment. But then again, I feel no emotion either. My body is almost wanting to give up on me. I feel in pain and my heart is almost physically ready to give up. Mentally, I try to ignore it, but physically my entire body is tightening up and I’m not purposely doing it. What’s going on?