Hi Jack,

I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough time. Having self-esteem/self-confidence is so vital to our well being as you have already noticed. Although I am not an expert in Buddhism, I have read many articles on TB and can give you what I know. You said you have a desire to “please and not offend lest I lose my job.” You believe this pleasing behavior is causing you to be vulnerable to harassment? You say you look extremely “insecure,” are you sure this is not just a thought coming from within you rather than outside of you? Sometimes when we lack self-esteem or self-confidence, we can perceive others as being critical of us and have a hard time coping with that. Either this is happening or you are in a completely toxic work environment. Do you ever feel this way when you are in other situations? Around other people who are not your co-workers?

Yes, I agree that we must have compassion for others, but we must not let them bring us down. When we have more compassion for ourself, we can be more accepting of others. Although it’s important to be respectful and understanding of others, you can nicely and assertively stand up for yourself. Yes, I agree that we should be beyond insulting as Buddhists, but not everyone shares the same values that we do. In that sense, we should be compassionate, but if something becomes too bad to the point where it negatively affects us, then we should speak up about it. There’s a great article on self-esteem and criticism, but of course we shouldn’t always have to bite the bullet.

Why You May Feel Crushed by Criticism (And What to Do About It)

Dear jack:

First thing first: have compassion for yourself. And protect yourself against harm by another. It is not your job to be a good Christian or a good Buddhist. It is your job to take good care of yourself- accepting abuse is NOT okay, jack.

anita

Hi Jack,
I’m not Buddhist (I’m Hindu so some of the Vedantic origins are similar). But I agree with Annie and Anita – it really doesn’t matter what religion we belong to, our human journey of emotions and experience is still very similar.

However, since you asked specifically about Buddhist views regarding self-confidence, these might help:
http://viewonbuddhism.org/self-confidence.html
http://www.beliefnet.com/Faiths/Buddhism/Articles/Self-Confidence-from-a-Buddhist-perspective.aspx
http://thebuddhistblog.blogspot.com/2006/07/self-worth.html

Jack – I think you got it – your journey would be one of peeling away the layers of self-absorption to widen your perspective toward a universal Self. I don’t think quitting your job would help – in fact, your job is probably helping to bring up your inner issues and for you to practice standing up for yourself, to know and understand your fears, resistances and beliefs, and to also recognize what would lead you to joy, acceptance and confidence.

Eastern religions tend not to tell you specifically what to do about harassment at work, or standing up to bullies – they always guide you toward your inner self, which is fearless, still, and always at peace.

You could try Pema Chodron’s “The Places That Scare You”, or her “When Things Fall Apart” – to see if you can figure out a Buddhist way of dealing with the situations at work.

Namaste, Saiisha

Jack,

Unfortunately, what you are going through is an internal struggle for anyone who is good at heart and overly nice to others. I have fought a similar battle for many years–sometimes, the best way is to simply observe others’ behavior at work and mimic it. Adjust to survive.
Otherwise, people will grab any chance to take advantage of you! And not only that–they can measure you up in a matter of seconds. And if the work culture favors confident and arrogant behavior, then you will definitely be an outsider. Many religions teach compassion and selflessness but what the other bloggers have advised you is correct–you can’t love other people if you don’t love yourself first. You can’t command respect from others if you don’t respect yourself first. You can still be a nice person and offer to help when needed, but there is a difference between being polite and helpful, and allowing people to take advantage of you. If you don’t stand up for yourself, no one else will. Compassion is a very precious gift in our cruel world–you shouldn’t give it away to just everyone. Most people don’t deserve it.
Another piece of advice–don’t be afraid to admit in front of others if you don’t know something–for instance, that you are still new at your job and learning. It is a better option that than coming across as generally insecure. Once you explain the reason to others, they even may try to help you.

Best of luck! Building self-esteem takes time but all you need are just small steps every day. If you believe you can make it, you will! Buddhism also teaches us of patience and persistence–you can use these in your confidence-boosting journey.

Dear jack:

Here are my Compassion Rules:

A child always deserves his/ her parents’ uncompromized compassion, all the time.

In a situation where there is an offender and an offended, where hurt has been committed by the offender against the offended, the offended deserves compassion, not the offendor.

Now if these two rules were kept by all humanity, I for one will be satisfied.

anita