First off – I want to say hello to everyone out here – is there a welcome topic? Sorry i have problem with manouvering through here : D. Second – I’m very sorry english isn’t my first language so anyone who is reading this can have problems.
Really i never been in any relationship ever.
There’s a guy i had fellings for. His name isn’t important. Years ago he had a crush on me but i rejected him. Really painfully. To this day i feel ashamed how horrible little sh.it (sorry for bad words) i was.Two years later i said sorry to him. He had a hard nature. Everytime i texted something to him he responded “yup. yeah” and on and on. So i stopped. At beggining of last year everyting changed. He started to text normally. Even so we became good friends. Someday i met him as streets… really drunk : D. Everything was fine until he said “hug me please” i said no. As a i knew from my other friends he had a girlfiend so hugging him wouldn’t be so good. Okay. After that it all turned to normal. It all changed september last year. I invited him to my house. Situation changed – i was drunk. As we watched movie i could feel his knee on mine “It’s just my immagination. No guy ever liked me like that” (My self esteem is somewhat low…) even he placed his head on my shoulder – i was drunk so i wouldn’t mind. It was nice i must admit. After that all was like nothing ever happened. And so this year he invited me to his place. I know i’m repating myself i’m really sorry : D. And same story went on. We get drunk. Sometimes when life goes hard i get sentimental about my past. I started to cry so hugged me and cheered me on. After sometime we went to sleep. No – nothing like you may think. When i opened my eyes i could feel he carressed my arm. I woke up. Said my goodbye but before i left home i had big urge to hug to him and stay like this forever. But i didn’t.
It was really nice to get a message “Are you all right?” I felt awesome. Someone other than parents worried after me. Then i realised – i felt for him. He is no cute. Lot of girls say he’s horrible. I don’t. He cares , he’s fun even lovely i may say.
History likes to repeat itself isn’t it? I invited him once more. I got spoiled once more. This time i didn’t cared – i hugged to him and didn’t wanted to let go. We talked all night about everything. Even about his girlfiend. I still hear his echoing voice ” I don’t love her. I’m with her because i’m scared to be alone. She annoys me.” Aftersome time we went to shop for another beer.When we got back i sat down and put my head down and started to think “Tell him or no.Maybe if i tell him now at least i can let go faster. I don’t stand a chance. He has a girlfiend. I’ll wait. If he doesn’t lover her he’ll breakup with her soon” then he said my name. I picked up my head so then i could feel his lips on mine. I at first my head spinned and no. Not because beverage.At least i could feel how every couple i had to envy could feel. I can’t describe it. Then i screamed “Yougotagirfriendican’t!” And after that yes. We went to sleep. He hugged me. I couldn’t sleep all night i was so excited. My two dreams made come true in one night. Sleep around loved one and have first kiss. Just listening to his heartbeat was awesome. His smell his snoring was even cute. If anyone who is in relationship reads this – you are so lucky! At 6 am i got up and left before he woke up. Somehow i felt like it was good thing to do. Last time i turned back to see him. How gorgeous he looked. Week later we started to spend time walking at night and talking. Sat on bus stop and cuddling to one another holding hands. After sometime conscience hit me – How can i? How can i do something like this to his girfriend? Maybe he really doesn’t love her but that doesn’t mean i can be like that. She didn’t deserved it. No. No one deserves it” So i decided. It’s time to say goodbye. I tried to separate myself from him but everytime i ended in his arms. So i confessed to him. Not by word. I never had enough courage to do so – i wrote a letter. To this day i can remember how i ran to our meeting place with tears in my eyes. It’s over. No more cheering messages. No more hugs. With shaking heart i gave it to him and said to don’t go after me. He wrote me a message that i write cute. That’s true he likes me but “didn’t i saw he had a girlfriend?” This ripped me. “So why you held my hand, why kissed me why slept around me? What i was supposed to think!?” He said he’s sorry. He was drunk. No. He wasn’t even when he was sober he carresed me. From this day three months had passed. I separated myself from him. I changed everyting i could – my wallpapers on wall on phone my pc, even how bed was positioned.Changed my ringtones.Deleted any contact. Before i felt apart i decided – anything can happen. Don’t lose yourself. I did everything in my power to stay strong. He texted me twice.Everytime said to him that i need a lot more time… maybe i said to him this little to harsh but it doesn’t matter. Yesterday i wrote to him that i’m fine. That’s not completly true. Deep inside i still got blues for him but maybe it was just my immagination-my version of him. And now when you survived through my bad writing – Can anybody say that there’s small chance that he liked me really that much because i still don’t believe it. As i said – my low self esteem is… really low. I always thought that i wasn’t cute – not speaking about sexy or something. Never caught myself anyother guy stare at me. And second thing – I really want to be friends with him.With or without his girlfriend. Not because i can have another chance after this but because i want him until the end. In a year he moves out to another country to work. If anyone responds. Thank you~!