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Buddhism and Narcissism

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  • July 18, 2014 at 12:07 pm #61218
    Matt
    Participant

    Jen,

    Its great that you’re looking for wholesome action. You may wish to do a little digging for others with narcissistic mothers, there are some patterns that other daughters may be able to help you wrestle with/let go of.

    For the fear that saying no is unwholesome… that’s false, a big nope, leftover from mom saying things like “if you love me, you’ll…”. Being wholesome is about skillful giving, which is different than just saying yes, which is often only enabling. Saying yes when your heart says no is a good indicator, generally, that its become enabling, where you try to take on your mother’s issues as your own. Clean her messes, solve her puzzles. This makes a beggar of her, and a fool of you. Neither really get what is needed. Instead, saying yes when the heart says yes, and saying no when the heart says no can help you figure out your skillful balance, skillful giving, to yourself and others. Said differently, don’t sacrifice yourself for the sake of giving to others, rather, give to yourself first,and as you’re nourished, give outward. Mom may dislike your backbone, but its your journey, your garden to tend, dear friend. Make it a good one!

    With warmth,
    Matt

    August 2, 2014 at 2:25 pm #62461
    Edna P.
    Participant

    Jen,

    I applaud you for trying to be the best person you can be under difficult circumstances. Matt gave you some wonderful advice. I’d like to add to that based on my experience having a narcissistic father. Figuring out how to live right while not becoming their victim is a difficult road. I have found solace and guidance online from others who have trudged the same mine-filled path at a website called The Narcissistic Life (I have no affiliation with this site other than I read it when I am feeling lost).

    While I am no expert on Buddhism and I cannot offer any advice on karma, when my father launches another verbal attack I do find a great amount of peace from the phrase, “This is not mine.” When my dad makes an angry accusation or insult, I just remember that phrase. His actions are on him. Not me. And I am able to react calmly and walk away.

    If you are able to get some distance from your mother, that might be something you want to consider. My life improved considerably once I was no longer dependent on my father for anything.

    Good luck and do not lose hope. You can make it through. It may take some time and planning. But you can get there and it will get better.

    August 5, 2014 at 9:39 am #62692
    Will
    Participant

    Not giving into every unreasonable demand from your mother sounds like very skillful behaviour to me.

    Remember that the karma you reap is not just your actions from last week, it is the years and years before, the way you grew up, the thoughts you’ve taken in as your own, your long-term intentions and short-term aquiescence.

    Being your mother’s puppet is a sure way to further suffering: how could you find contentment if you’re at the beck and call of someone who is never content? Guard those boundaries, and work towards a better financial situation with dilligence, patience, and a sense of independence. You are very clear in this post about what you don’t want to be. You know where to go. You will suffer along the way. Of course. That’s the first noble truth.

    Don’t panic. Nothing is wrong. Continue on your way as you ‘burn off’ your previous karma of giving in to your mother’s demands, and reconfigure your relationship with her. It will get easier.

    All my best wishes.

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