Dear adam:

You wrote that when you were single for four years you did a lot of self discovery work. Then you met Neilia and all went well until the trigger- the man texting her that she is hot- and your self improvement of four years regressed: you verbally abused her and increased your drinking (and pot smoking?). Then after verbally abusing her, you did not try to correct the situation until way later?

The regression happened because that trigger re-activated the old neuropathways in your brain, those giving you such intense distress and triggering you to make her suffer too, as you suffer. Then you get stuck in old pathways, old patterns. Your view is foggy, you see images from your past, dressing those images on what is in the present.

I would say, go back to self discovery, as you called it, go over what you discovered in those four years and re-start the discovery/ healing process within yourself. As you think of Neilia, as you interact with her, try to see only what is there, not what you recycle and inaccurately project into the present.

anita

Dear Adam:

Try to understand your pain- what is it exactly that is hurting? What deeper pain is being triggered and brought to the surface? Find out, have empathy for yourself for that pain of long ago and the pain now. If you would like you can share here more, how you feel, your hurt old and new.

anita

Dear adam:

No need to apologize for venting, especially to me since I asked you to share more about your (past and) current pain. No Contact went through my mind as I read the first lines of your latest post. How can it be NOT painful to know that the woman you love is with another man and to read it from her. This in itself is torture. Regardless of any details of how you contributed to the demise of the relationship up to this point- just knowing she is with another man is torture. And she expresses to you sentiments encouraging your hope of getting together again- that is a bind that doesn’t allow you to move on. You are in limbo, hoping and waiting- a difficult place to be mentally. I would say you need to un-stuck yourself from this Limbo place, that of hoping and waiting. Give it a time limit: so much time you are willing to hope and wait- be it five minutes, five days, five weeks- but there is only so much time you can endure this…

anita

Dear adam:

You wrote that this was the first time in your life of “knowing true love.” In trying to understand your pain, which you wrote above that you are trying to do, and I mean the older pain in your life, can you share about the first love, the love of a young boy to his mother? To his father? You are the boy in the question, of course,,,

anita

Dear adam:

She definitely triggered a lot of love in you, Neilia, that is. And from your descriptions of how she was and how the relationship was in the first three years, it sounds perfect. Probably was not in reality perfect (nothing much is perfect in real life). I didn’t notice any cons that you mentioned, don’t remember any. You describe her only in positives. So, from your account there is nothing negative about her and all the trouble in the relationship originated in your behavior following the first three years.

I do hope you somehow heal, heal this pain you are experiencing. Instead of listing her cons, which you didn’t find any, how about if you list Things You Learned from this relationship and those preceding it so you can be more prepared for a good enough future relationship. It is not too late you know. I was 48 when I first met the first good enough relationship with a man in my whole life,.

anita

Dear adam: so where do you go from here?
anita