Dear vinni:

You wrote your last post yesterday. I wonder how you are feeling today.

Good questions in the post above last. These questions are making me think. This is what you asked:

1. “How could one’s feelings for someone can change even in crisis”?

2. “Why do they instead of trying to make relationship work,they break it,ignore it,run away from it”?

3. “if your love for someone is controled by situational and environmental factors,Then how could you call it love.”?

4. “How can you love someone unconditionaly for 6 years, and in Just three months,all of a sudden that Man means nothing to you”?

And then you wondered what happens, what is supposed to happen with the memories of loving feelings and broken promises.

I think that if you came up with answers to these questions, or an adequate understanding regarding these questions, your pain will decrease by a lot. I wonder if I can be of help in answering these questions…It will take more than one post, and we will have to work on answering these questions together. If you agree, I am willing!

Question 4: there are assumptions in the question that may not be correct: it may not have been “all of a sudden” for her, it may have been an over time thing that she did not communicate well with you about. And it may not be that you mean nothing to her. If she is rude to you as you mentioned, that means you mean something to her, otherwise she’d be neutral, indifferent, slightly empathetic maybe, but not rude.

How does a woman love you for so long and at one point ends the relationship, is that a good question, with no assumptions?

The image that comes to my mind is what I saw in the woods where I live, a fawn, a baby deer following its mother into the forest. The baby deer has its eyes on the mother. It will follow her anywhere and everywhere she goes. No questions asked, nothing matters, it will follow. Eyes on mother. The mother on the other hand, her eyes are looking at what is in front of her. She hardly every looks back to see the baby. If someone threatens the baby, she will do something to protect it but not all that much. I watched those nature movies: the mother does something but not a whole lot… because nature states she needs to protect herself so to give birth to more babies, so one less is not the end of the world for her. But for the baby, one less mother, well that is the end of the world for it.

If this image means something to you, in your situation, let me know and take care of yourself in this difficult time!

anita

Dear vinni:

What an insightful post above!

First, it is HER choice.

Second, there is nothing you can do to change her choice and the reality of your life as is.

Third, you can bear it, feel it… the pain, and joy, all that we feel…

anita

Dear vinni:

I just read your most recent post (we posted at the same time), so

Fourth: you are a loving person, you can love, you did love her.

…And Fifth: you will love again, another woman, who will love you in return.

anita

Dear vinni:

Do your best to let it all be as it is. Try to not fight against your feelings. It is like when you have a leg cramp, or foot cramp and it starts to hurt… when you fight the pain, getting all tense, the pain gets worse. But I learned if I just let my foot be and pay attention to how it feels, the pain changes and gets weaker. Try to… relax into the pain, accept it… paradoxically, this is the way to … less pain.

anita

Dear vinni

You are welcome. Regarding selfish reasons, I am here not for unselfish reasons, I am here to help myself as well as to help others, as in a Win-Win proposition, intent. For any relationship to be successful, healthy, it has to be Win-Win for all participants, therefore always respect, always self interest and other interest at the same time.

Post again, anytime.

anita

“At least in this life I got the chance to love a girl,so much that i do lost myself.”

Herein lies the problem. What you wrote is a contradiction. Truly loving someone means not losing your self. And I know this because I’ve been there. It was my first love at the ripe old age of 27. What can I say, I’m a late bloomer. I gave her everything. I gave her my heart like you read and see in all of those fairytale novels and movies. And as things starting going bad, my solution was to just keep giving more of myself. I got to the point where I cared about nothing but her. I gave up everything else I ever cared about. I kept believing that if I tried harder I could fix everything. You can’t.

Anyway, after we finally split up I was truly devastated. But the following three years were perfectly lonely. I say perfectly because looking back on it, those following three years were the best three years of my life. I moved to another state, and reconnected with all of the things I loved before. I didn’t even date during those three years. But most importantly I discovered that I didn’t need her like I thought I did.

How did that three year journey end? You guessed it, I met the love of my life. And when we met, I was in so much healthier of a place… I can’t even describe in words.

I wrote the following story after those three years…

Losing Self

With eyes shut tight against the powerful sun, she lies back in the sand, though is somewhat surprised at the willingness of the grains to rearrange under her body. It’s a comforting feeling; it’s a familiar feeling. She’s been here before. Sometimes in reality; sometimes in dreams.

Stretched out on her back at the edge of the world where the solid earth abruptly melts into liquid, she’s free to think. But she can’t. Thoughts no longer form. Physically the location is not new; spiritually it is.

Her days here as a young girl were invaluable. Then, she need only lie back, open her mind, and let the thoughts and feelings flow. A gentle offshore salt-filled breeze quickly carried away the worst moments life could produce.

Things have changed. She’s no longer a little girl. Gentle winds are now powerless to carry away the feelings of despair and emptiness she carries with her as a constant reminder that her abandoned soul is slowly dying.

A deep, dark, nameless, aching hole of dimensionless proportion has expanded inside her taking with it the hopes and dreams that used to flourish in the previously fertile garden.

She’s stuck. She’s drained. Time has raced. Time has stopped. Numbness envelops her. Her body tingles. She doesn’t trust. She doesn’t trust herself. She feels empty and powerless. She relinquished her power to someone else. Her boundaries are blurred. She can no longer feel the distinct separation between her self and the external world.

Her tightly closed eyes no longer able to hold back the welling tears, she sits up with her face in her hands, shaking. Jaw clenched tight. Ribs constricted. Her muscles brace against a consuming rage she’s powerless to understand. Her skin is etched with lines of tension and time.

She’s afraid to turn around. She’s afraid to look at the sand. She’s terrified there will be no imprint. There is an imprint. She does exist. It’s not too late. Maybe the garden will grow again. It’s up to her.