Hi Dana,

I’m so sorry for your suffering.

Having a broken heart is brutal I know! It’s OK to accept that this is how you feel for now and give yourself time to grieve your relationship. You can’t immediately force yourself to feel better or think yourself out of experiencing the pain – and that’s fine and normal. It’s a process and you WILL start to move on.

It may be that you need to have no contact with your ex – I found that to help me (I’m still getting over my broken heart too!) even though I didn’t want to do it. It was important, though, as it allowed me to start focusing on myself and not wonder how I’d feel next time we spoke, obsess over how he sounded or appeared etc – thinking about him held me back and kept me feeling awful. You have every right to stop contact with your ex if it’s stopping you from healing – which you say yourself is the case.

I think trying to foster new habits is a good thing to do too – get into things that you don’t associate with your ex. Think of stuff you can do for yourself that will help you feel a bit better – even if it’s just relaxing in the bath or making a smoothie or going out on your bike.

Although there’s nothing wrong with being on your own, try not to isolate yourself – keep going to work/uni and see your family and friends. They’ll hopefully support you, and will also provide a distraction if being alone leads you to constantly ruminating about your ex.

It’s great that you’ve found something that works for you in Buddhism! Mindfulness would probably be useful to you too – an important aspect of this is self-compassion which is so important when you’re feeling crushed. Don’t judge or berate yourself for feeling how you do; accept your emotions as part of the human experience.

Your intrinsic worth isn’t tied to how this man feels about you. I totally understand that feeling though! I felt like a massive unlovable failure for my relationship ending; I still have that feeling from time to time, but I know that it’s not the truth and is only borne out of my current experience (i.e. getting over a break up).

It’s also important to keep in mind that your ex must not have been the man for you and this is why the relationship ended – it’s not because there is anything wrong with you. You’re a unique person who deserves happiness as much as anyone, and you will be happy again, even if it doesn’t seem like it now.

The main thing is time – time will pass and you’ll start to gradually see a life beyond your ex; more time will pass and this vision will become stronger. You will be OK!

Peace and warm thoughts to you 🙂

Alice

What Alice has said is spot on….I dont think anyone could have said it better…or in a more supportive and positive way….best of luck…everything is going to be fine…believe me…it will be. x

It is hard! I also had the experience of finding out my ex was seeing someone else and it was really devastating. I felt like I was expendable and he’d found someone ‘better’ than me. I still feel pain about it, but I have to remind myself that he’s not trying to hurt me, the new person isn’t better or worse than me, we obviously weren’t right for each other (or we would naturally still be together!) – and the hurt I feel will fade and go away eventually.

It’s very hard to accept the feelings associated with this type of situation, so remind yourself as much as need that you’re doing a great job, because you are! And even if you do things you end up regretting to try to forget about your pain for a while, don’t beat yourself up about it; you’re going through a process, and you have the right to allow yourself some ‘mistakes’ while this is happening.

I’m glad I was able to respond to your post 🙂 It also helps me to know that other people feel what I feel – it’s part of our common humanity and it’s comforting to remember that.

Take care of yourself there!