Hey everyone,

First time post here — asking for help/advice/insight/perspective/etc…

So, I recently (last week) broke up with my longterm girlfriend. We were together for 7 years. High school sweethearts etc. I’m 23 years old now.

I truly love this women. She was my best-friend. I love and care about her unconditionally. Our relationship was perfect on paper. We shared the same interests, humor, likes/dislikes, yadayadayada…

BUT…

For some reason I didn’t feel fulfilled or satisfied at the end of the day. I wrestled with these feelings for months and months (we talked about my feelings too). And it wasn’t that I didn’t love her, because I genuinely did (and still do). But for some reason I felt a feeling of unhappiness and it ate away at me for a year until I finally worked up the courage to end it with her. It was by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life.

This is basically what I said and how I feel (I broke up with her in person, out of respect):

“You’ve always given me 100% of your love, and I feel like I haven’t fully returned that. I try my hardest to treat you as special as you are, but at times I don’t give you the complete fulfilling love you should be getting in return from a committed relationship. I feel like I haven’t been there fully emotionally for you, and I don’t think it’s fair or right. As I’ve said before, I’ve been feeling confused/uncertain about things off and on for a while now. I’ve come to the possible realization that those feelings stem from my lack of life experience in general. I’ve got problems within myself that I have to deal with before anything else. In order to gain any understanding on anything, especially love, I think that I need to have context and experience to learn from. We’ve been together for a huge quarter of our young lives, and you’ve helped me grow so much (hopefully I’ve done the same for you), but I’ve also never really been single as a young man. We’ve grown dependently together, instead of growing independently as two — which I think is important for any relationship between two people. I think it would be healthy for both of us to get outside of our comfort zones and grow a bit independently at this stage of life. Since I don’t know anything outside of you, there’s always been a wedge driven through our relationship by me not understanding how meaningful it is. And this is basically all my fault. You’re truly an amazing women, with intoxicating physical and mental beauty, and real depth of personality. Every unique piece of you paints a beautiful picture. Unfortunately though, we’re still kids with minimal life experience. Timing is important and it sucks. I really don’t want to hurt you because I genuinely love you, but I know that I’m unfortunately breaking your heart either way — if we break up or if I just string you along half-assing it while I try to find myself. I know this is pretty selfish of me, but it’s how I feel. I seems like it’s important to learn from experience in order to truly love. Like knowing the sour to know the sweet. I’ve thought about this for a long time and there’s no fixing my problems without me going out on my own to do so. I still obviously want you to be in my life, and I’d still love to chill as best-friends. You’re undoubtedly one of my favorite humans on this planet. You’ll always be extremely important to me, and I’ll always care about you immensely. But, I imagine that we’ll probably need some time alone and apart to process everything. Anyways, I feel like I need to go out on my own for once. I feel like if I don’t do it now then I’m just suppressing things that will negatively materialize later in our relationship like they have been. In a way I feel like I’m emotionally cheating on you since I’m not 100% fully invested in our relationship because I don’t have any experience or knowledge of self. It’s not fair to you for me to have one foot in the door and one foot out at times. You deserve full love, not just someone who’s undecidedly hot and cold in their ignorance. I’m sorry, but it feels like I need to make an important decision for once in my life. I think breaking up for now would be the best thing for both of us in the long run, and hopefully we’ll possibly still be fundamental parts of each other’s future at some point. I’m sorry that my problems have led to this.”
A quote that also helps explain myself:

“I spent five years hurting a good woman by staying with her, but never fully choosing her.
I did want to be with this one. I really wanted to choose her. She was an exquisite woman, brilliant and funny and sexy and sensual. She could make my whole body laugh with her quick, dark wit and short-circuit my brain with her exotic beauty. Waking up every morning with her snuggled in my arms was my happy place. I loved her wildly.
…

Every day, for five years, I chose her a little less [though].
…

Choosing her would have meant focusing every day on the gifts she was bringing into my life that I could be grateful for: her laughter, beauty, sensuality, playfulness, companionship, and so much more.
…

I realize now, however, that she was often [anxious/scared/etc] because she didn’t feel safe with me. She felt me not choosing her every day, in my words and my actions, and she was afraid I would abandon her.
…

Actually, I did abandon her.

By not fully choosing her every day for five years, I deserted her.
…

Like a precious fragrant flower I brought proudly into my home but then failed to water, I left her alone in countless ways to wither in the dry hot heat of our intimate relationship.
…

Your loved one deserves to be enthusiastically chosen, every day.”

NOW…

I’m really struggling with feelings of regret and the sadness of missing her. I know it’s fresh and these emotions are natural, and my logical/rational mind thinks the break up was ultimately the right decision, but my heart aches…

Anyways, that’s my story. Thanks for listening <3

• This topic was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by Human.