Dear Kay:

I read through your long post. This is my understanding: he is unwell, has been unwell before he met you and still is. His significant mental health issues were not caused by you in any way and unfortunately, cannot be resolved by him moving on, being on a dating site and meeting new women.

He needs serious psychotherapy for a long, long time so to start him on a healing path.

If you were perfect in the relationship with him, if you didn’t have any mental health issues of your own, a healthy relationship with him would not have been possible because of his troubles.

It is unwise for a woman to have a child with a man who is as unhealthy as he is. His anger is intense and carried on from his childhood. This anger cannot be contained for long. His anger hurt you, made your mental health worse. It would have done worse to a child looking up to him with complete trust and vulnerability.

If I was you, I would be relieved to have this relationship in my past. I would be relieved that I didn’t bring a child into the world to suffer.

As painful as this has been, you now have a chance to get better, to heal, to have a healthy relationship in the future. I hope you post again with your thoughts and feelings.

anita

Dear Kay:

You are very welcome.

You wrote that there is a battle between your logic and your emotions. This is a very, very common battle in people, of all the battles and wars, this is the beginning of all battles and the most common.

Let’s look at what happened:

1. This man was a child before. As a child he was innocent, loving, vulnerable. And he was hurt badly. This hurt child in him is still there in the man that he is. You saw that child, in his eyes, heard it at times in his voice and felt great compassion for that child, correct?

Thing is, the child exists in him and sometimes he is right there, on the surface, loving and lovable. And it is also true that this child is blocked much of the time, and the man that he is, is abusive and damaging to others, specifically he has been abusive to you and has damaged you.

Try to hold these two images which co-exist in the same person: the child and the man, the innocent and vulnerable blocked in an abusive and sometimes cruel man.

2. The things he told you about yourself. There is a saying that even a broken clock is correct twice every 24 hours. And so, some of the things he told you about you were true simply because a certain percentage of what anyone says is true.

In addition to it, he had correct insight about you some of the time, for example, it is true that you talking to him about committing suicide was harmful to the relationship. True. And it is also true, at the same time, that he was responsible for damaging you and the relationship extensively.

Try to hold these two things together: you were not healthy in the relationship and he did a lot of damaging to you and to the relationship.

What do you think and feel at this point?

anita