Dear Brav3:

The most effective thing you can do in your efforts to heal from this attachment to your ex girlfriend is to see the whole picture, to see reality for what it is. Any time you engage in distorted thinking, you pay the price of being stuck in the same old, same old. So un-distort your thinking every time.

My comments on the other points:
1. “My identity, my validation and my worth or value is defined by me and me only…not determined by the actions of others especially not by people I loved.” I disagree because we are social animals, born to need others. And it is the actions of people we love that affect us the most, because we love/ need them.

2. “…(My life) wants love to enjoy love but doesn’t need or rely on love for its meaning. Because if love disappears for some reasons ( sickness, death or changing circumstances), my life still continue to exists without any problem.” I dsiagree: we need love from ou very beginning and always will. It is true that people who love us (or kind-of love us) will die at some point or may leave, but we still need love.

3. “My happiness is with me always Whether I am loved or not, my happiness is within me always. No one can take it for me. Its part of my nature. If I look for happiness from external sources things or people, I will be disappointed. Because things, people, situations will continue to change.” I disagree: the need for love is in you always; happiness is not within you always.

4. “I am not my thoughts and feelings … If I react rather than respond, I will never be happy. Breaking old habitual patterns is the key. Thoughts and feelings usually distort your intelligence. Always look beyond them.” I agree and disagree: It is about asking yourself:

Are your thoughts congruent with reality?

When they are, the apprropriate feelings will follow.

Overall I agree with 6 and 7.

Regarding #4: fear is something we all have to face. Many apply distorted/ convenient/ wishful thinking to feel less of it but this is harmful beyond a moment of relief here and there. We fear loving so we say: I don’t need love. Facing one’s fear and being congruent with reality is to say: I fear being hurt by the one I love and I may be hurt. Better choose better the next partner. No guarantees regardless.

anita

* Dear jjaney49: this is another member’s thread. If you’d like to start your own thread, please do: Click Forums, choose a Category, Click chosen category (Relationships, I think), go down the page to an empty box. You can copy the above post and paste it there. I will be glad to reply there!
anita