Dear Leah:

It helps me to understand and “live in the story” when I take the time to slowly re-write it , so I will do that and add lots of quotes. My reply to you will consist of two posts. The first is the retelling of your story and the second is my thoughts about it.

Your parents divorced, and as a result, you “did self harm a lot” as a teenager, men give you “bad anxiety” and you had “a horrible mistrust in men”. Over the years, you’ve “been developing an anxiety disorder, mainly social anxiety, feeling pretty lost in life”, more and  more confined to your house and computer. At 16, you broke off a month-long “awkward teenage romance” with a 16-year old boy with whom you had your “first ever kiss” because of your anxiety and mistrust. A few months later, you “became very, very close friends”. At 24, you started college: you moved out of your parents’ house, found interest in your classes and you made two friends, but after one semester, Covid hit, and you stayed at home all day, losing interest in your classes, socially isolated and anxious, and you saw a good psychologist.

He had three relationship over the years while you had none, and the two of you were “simply one of his best and closest friends”. But at one point on,  you “developed some romantic feelings” toward him. At 25, when you finished your first year of college, he moved close to where you lived and attended the same college you attended. At that point, you mustered all your courage and told him that you liked him “as more than just a friend”, and that the ball is in his court, that if he says No, “it’s okay and we’ll remain friends”, and if he says Yes, “then we’re gonna be in a relationship”. He didn’t say no or yes. Instead he asked to think about it. The day after, he came to your apartment and said Yes.

“I had 0 experience in romantic relationship and also 0 experience sexually. But he is a very gentle soul, and he knows me so well. He was patient with a lot of things and gradually, we worked our way to all of these things, which turned out to be great fun, amazing, and exciting.. We get on REALLY well, communication flows with ease, I make him laugh a lot, and he helped me gain self-confidence. He really is an amazing person, and anyone would be lucky to be around him”.

After a year of this wonderful relationship, the two of you were planning to move in together, checking out apartments, but you “got cold feet. Something didn’t sit right, I was too scared to not have my own personal space, worried I’d feel claustrophobic. So I called it off”.

Next, the relationship continued, he spent most nights at your place, spending a lot of time together, and five months after getting cold feet, you were okay with moving in together, “Nervous and excited”. The two of you found the perfect apartment sometime in late January of this year. Sometime in April, the two of you “hit a major bump” when your anxiety prevented you from attending dinner with his family. He was very disappointed, you fought after that, and he left for a few days to cool off, came back “saying that we need to really work on things, wanted to go to couple’s therapy”, but first, the two of you agreed to have a fun couple of weeks “to lighten things up a bit”. You didn’t attend therapy nor talked about what happened.

In mid-June, your anxiety hit really hard and you couldn’t attend dinner with him at your parents’ (on  Friday) or at his parents’ (on a Saturday). Either Fri or Sat., he came home, “disappointed and mad” at you, you felt that he didn’t care about you, that he didn’t accept you for who you are, “warts and all”, and you instigated a fight with him. It was “a big fight, during which my anxiety was brought up again and he accused me of not doing enough to work on it or make it better”.

The day or days after the big fight, he tried “to again lighten the mood”, but you “had a knot in my stomach. what happened that night was not okay in my eyes, and it was a position I never wanted to be put in”. Next, you told him that you thought that the two of you were not compatible, and sometime later, he told you that he agreed with you and that you should break up. The two of you were “very emotional, crying, hugging, and then he packed a bag and left”.

In the two weeks after he left, you feel horrible, regretting: “we never actually tried to work on things when we had a problem – and we never did, throughout the 2 year relationship. I finally saw that he was right – I wasn’t doing enough with my anxiety, and I went back to my psychologist immediately and I’ve also made plans to see a psychiatrist and plan on starting proper treatment to rid me of this horrible thing that’s been controlling my life”.

A week after the breakup, you met, “we were both a mess, crying. But we managed to laugh a little too”, you told him that you were having second thoughts, but he cut you off, telling you that “he can’t allow himself to think that. He needs certainty, or he’ll get completely lost”. He took more of his clothes out of the apartment you used to share, and “just being there made him cry and upset”.

“Very desperate for some clarity and peace… Tonight I couldn’t take it anymore and I called him. I was crying, I think he was a little too… At some point he said something like ‘I just want to remind you that you instigated this,’ or like that I initiated the breakup, which is true. But I don’t even remember why… I try telling myself that he doesn’t accept me as I am, which is true and he’s agreed with me about it, and that I deserve better… I also think we never learned how to fight in a good way… I can’t let him go. I want him in my life so badly… maybe we should actually break up. Maybe we are not compatible…  I’m just so confused, I miss him so much, I can’t find any peace in my heart… My heart just doesn’t understand how can it be that we both have such strong emotions for each other but we can’t be together? It doesn’t make sense”.

Second post to follow.

anita

Can understand being uncertain about a relationship. And the after effects of being broken up. At first one wants the relationship. Then when things get tight and the relationships moves further into the next steps, there is a pull back. Fear or whatever one calls it, it pulls at one’s mental state. It can have real physical effects. The falling out of the bottom of the stomach. An empty feeling that becomes vast and void. Or just pain. Causing a break up. Then regrets fills the void made by the break up. Then day in and day out there is the thoughts of all the good times and all the bad times. Never ending. Whenever there is a moment to reflect, the mind and heart pulls one back to those times. Stuck in a loop.

Where does happiness begin and how do we know it is right? It begins with laughter. And, we never know it is right until time passes by. I married my wife and chose to stick it thru everything (with certain exceptions). Being together means to make that choice and stick with it. Arguments will be plenty. But, so will the good times. As long as there is no abuse (physical or mental) then it is right. There will be struggles. But, the one thing I count on is that we have chosen each other and will be there for each other. Even when we disagree about something. The disagreement is not what the relationship is about. The relationship is separate. Remember to forgive is to forget and move forward. I wish you happiness.

Dear Leah,

Do not really have good advice about when to stick it thru and when its time to move on. Personally, I stick with my wife thru most things because that is the way I am. But, I can see when two people want different things in their lives it can cause them to separate. Example could be job/career. For me, whatever my wife wanted, I made myself want it too. Supported her. And for me, it worked out. Yes, we do have fights and arguments. But we know that it isnt what defines our relationship. We also forgive each other easier, quickly apologize.

I hope you find someone who says you are worth sticking around. And, will make you happy.

Dear Leah:

You are welcome. Before I address your recent post: yesterday, I re-read my last reply to you, which included this quote from you: “I tend to believe that it is possible.. (to) learn to better communicate with each other in a way that doesn’t trigger or touches the exposed nerves of the other person”, and I wanted to comment on it-

There are people with nerves that are so exposed that it is impossible for a person interacting with them (and especially for a person living with them), to not touch those exposed nerves: any word, any facial expression, misinterpreted, can touch and trigger those exposed nerves. One can perfect one’s practice of walking on eggshells, and yet trigger those exposed nerves. For the purpose of having a healthy relationship, it is very important for the person with the exposed nerves to practice self-control and to not react every time she/ he feels exposed and triggered.

“I’m going to talk to my ex boyfriend tomorrow, and I plan on telling him some of my realizations about myself. I hope he can see that I intend to learn and grow from this experience” – how about starting the conversation with (1) asking him how he feels, (2)  listening to him: not defensively, but truly listening to him as if he was a friend, and nothing but a friend, (3) asking him a question or two, based on what he said: it can help him understand himself better and feel understood by you.

An exchange like this is likely to be more effective than you reporting to him about your realizations about yourself, at this point, at least.

“I have to accept that for right now I can’t give him what he needs” – I am guessing that what he needs right now is to feel understood and accepted by you (as a person, not as a boyfriend), and so, if you ask him a few questions about himself, and listen to him empathetically… this may be just what he needs.

“and I’m not sure he can give me what I need” – It is important that you are clear with what it is exactly that you need (from him and otherwise) at this point. Are you clear about it?

I hope the conversation with him goes well.

anita

Dear Leah:

To understand a member’s story better, what I often do after receiving new (to me) information, is to re-read older posts with the new info in mind. In your most recent post you wrote: “He did say, about himself, that he realizes he has a tendency to run away from situations, and that he has commitment issues” – I didn’t know that based on this 4 relationship so far (the 3 before you and the one with you), he believes that he has commitment issues.

Re-reading “He has a complicated relationship with his mother…  he finds her draining and difficult to talk to” leads me to think that similarly to how you distrust men because you project your image of your father into men, he might have a problem committing to women in the context of romantic relationships because he is projecting his mother into women. This would explain why the conversation with you yesterday wasn’t much of a conversation: “Basically, he’s not ready to really look at the relationship the way I have. He simply doesn’t do it. He doesn’t look back” – he won’t look at it, won’t look back=> he won’t talk.

He finds his mother “draining and difficult to talk to” => he therefore avoids talking to her =>he therefore avoids talking to a girlfriend, when things have become difficult, or too difficult.

“At some point he said something like ‘I just want to remind you that you instigated this,’ or like that I initiated the breakup” – reads like he wanted to break up with you before you instigated/ initiated the breakup, and that he was relieved that you initiated the break up, and therefore he didn’t have to.

Another thing I noticed while re-reading: “he was going through what I was going through – we were both a mess…We are both hurting, we love each other and care for each very much, we’re both confused… This is all very heartbreaking for both of us“- likely he hasn’t felt/ doesn’t feel exactly like you do, the two of you don’t feel the same and to the same extent. You have projected how you feel into him, and some of the projection is not accurate.

“I can’t help but replaying all of the good times we had, how easily we click, the deep emotional, physical, and mental connection that we share” – some of the connection you shared (I don’t know how much) was imagined by you, or magnified in your mind: an inaccurate projection (which is very, very common in relationships).

“I feel like ‘moving on’ so quickly, and to not look at our relationship and examine it, cheapens it or makes it feel like not a big deal” – it wasn’t as big of a deal for him as you imagined. (It doesn’t mean that it wasn’t a big deal for him).

“From things he said, I think he wants to ‘move on’, cut off contact for a while… It hurts me to think that it didn’t mean as much to him as it did to me“- my point: not as much as you imagined.

“The bottom line is, he’s just not looking at our relationship and what’s happened to it. He refuses to do it, or he cannot do it. It’s hard for me to accept, but I have to accept it“- I think that he ran away from the relationship before you noticed that he did. And better accept it that he did.

“What I need – I’m not entirely sure. I’m trying to focus on what I need RIGHT NOW, which is just compassion and a hug” – a virtual hug and real compassion from me to you! It is refreshing to read from a young woman who is intelligent, insightful, open to examine herself: to look into positive and negative aspects of herself. I hope that you are/ will be feeling much better soon. Please post again anytime!

anita